I don't know what the F*** is wrong with me!

I am emotionally stable and happy for the first time in ages, so why can't I just be physically stable too? Why does my body have to be on a constant roller coaster ride? Why can't I just lose weight like a normal person? I don't know how much I weigh right now. I am afraid to go near the scale. I don't think I will like what I see. I have been eating more than I said I would. I have been eating over 1,500 a day, so I'm pretty sure I haven't lost anything. I've probably gained. I don't know. I feel like a huge failure right now and I just don't know what to do. Should I go back to ABC? Should I fast? It seems like I can only go in extremes. I was doing SO well before I donated plasma. Those two days of eating regularly gave me a taste for it again, and now it's like I can't stay away from the food. I had over 2,000 calories today. I don't know exactly how many because I stopped counting. I am an epic failure. I am living on laxatives right now in desperate hopes that my body will not absorb everything I've put into it. *sigh* My failure is like a leech trying to drain the happiness right out of me. Why can't my body be as lovely as other aspects of my life, like my relationship? Things are going SO well with my girlfriend and I love her so much, so why can't everything else be perfect too?

Here is some thinspiration I put together for my thinspo book (yes I actually have one):







I have a lot more where that came from, but that's all for now folks.