What I've been up to since I've been gone... my longest post ever.

I’m having a much better day today than yesterday, though I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I’ll be doing that as soon as I’ve finished writing this. I’ve completely flipped my sleeping schedule so I’m generally asleep during the day and well into the afternoon, and then I’m up all night which suits me just fine. To let everyone know, this entry is going to be VERY lengthy and full of information, because I really just need to put it all down and clear my head. It’s a tangled up mess at the moment that needs to be sorted. That being said, I have a few interesting tales to tell from my absence on here.

I went to a Halloween party this past Saturday night that one of my good friends from high school hosted, and her fiancé invited me to join him in the AA group he’s been going to (court ordered for his third DUI). I’ve decided I’m going to take him up on the offer, possibly starting as soon as next Sunday. It’s once a week for an hour, completely free and anonymous, and I won’t be turned in or sent anywhere. It’ll be nice to have a group of people I can talk to who understand the things I’m going through. I thought it was only for alcoholics but Byron said that people go there to deal with drug addiction and family problems as well. I’m really nervous to go and blurt out my problems to strangers, but I need to make a change fast while I have the will to do it.

I know that if I keep at it much longer I’ll spiral completely down to Never-Never-Return-to-Sanity Land, and I really don’t want that to happen. I hit a point where I was begging every drug dealer I knew to find me meth and heroin because the cocaine wasn’t getting me high enough for my liking anymore, and I seriously considered injecting with a needle. I have since decided that would be a huge, potentially fatal mistake, and I won’t be doing it ever. I just refuse to take the risk. On one occasion I took a heroin-based ecstasy pill alone at night and had a really terrible trip. It made me tap into my innermost thoughts and feelings, a lot of which are filled with pain, so I spent hours crying nonstop. I even cried in front of my father and talked about my issues with my mother dying, which is something we rarely do. We don’t like to dwell on the pain, but I couldn’t block any of it out when I was on that stuff. It hit me like a concrete block in the face. I won’t be doing it again either. I had absolutely no control over my emotions and at one point in the early morning I nearly had a severe panic attack. It was no fun at all.

The weekend before last I drove up to Atlanta to go to Six Flags (an amusement park if you’re not familiar with it) with a group of my friends. We bought season passes as a group so we got an awesome discount and free parking for all of next year. I thought it was going to be a really great day, but my ride buddy flaked out and didn’t come, so I was the fifth wheel all day long. I had to stand alone and watch my friends be all cuddly with each other and it sucked. I hate that lonely feeling when you’re in a group of people with an odd number. Anyway, in the afternoon we decided to go out to my friend’s car to smoke some weed and have a few lines of coke, and as soon as we got to it we saw that he had a flat tire; completely flat, like skin on pavement. Even worse, he had absolutely no idea how to change the tire, nor did his girlfriend or my other two friends. Luckily, my father taught me how years ago.

We had to walk all the way back from the hotel where he’d parked to the parking inside Six Flags where I’d parked, because he didn’t have the right equipment to change it in his trunk. It felt so weird teaching a guy how to change a tire, and I did most of the work myself. Of course my uber high-maintenance girly friends didn’t offer to lift a finger, because they wouldn’t want to break a nail. They sat in my air conditioned car while DC and I sweated our asses off. I ended up with black palms and a huge scrape on my wrist (he broke my car jack and the car fell down and I barely got my hand out in time), but in the end we got his spare on proper and went back to the park. By then all of us were a bit irritated and tired from walking all day, so the last few hours were spent bickering about whether we wanted to stay or leave and which ride to wait in line for. We ended up wasting so much time walking around arguing that we didn’t ride anything else before we left. What a great day at the amusement park… not.

I broke my two-and-a-half-year voluntary celibacy earlier this month. I’m not too pleased with myself on that now, but it’s done and I can’t change it. It all started with an online dating profile I’d set up after my last serious girlfriend and I split up. I went on a bunch of dates with a bunch of really lame people who only wanted to get in my pants, and then one day I got a message from a girl who looked nice and seemed to be a decent, intelligent person, so I agreed to meet with her. It was only after that I found out she was married and she and her husband were looking for a threesome. At first I was very hesitant and said no, because men do nothing for me, but then my curiosity got the best of me since I’d never had a threesome before. Anyway, I ended up doing it and causing a huge fight between them. They have more fights than any couple I know and they’re both really jealous by nature, so my being there only created a problem.

Then in the following weeks I had sex with two more men. Both times I was completely wasted on drugs and alcohol, so the memories are more of a watercolor than a perfect portrait. After that I started hanging out with the married couple again and we decided to give dating a shot as a group, which I’ve actually done in the past (don’t know why I was stupid enough to make that mistake again). It was pleasant for about two days, and then all the fighting started up again between them and when they fight they get really cold and silent.

They literally wouldn’t speak at all and they’d ignore each other and me. I really hate being ignored. I’d rather have someone tell me what the problem is so I can fix it, but they both refused to communicate so that was the end of that. I won’t waste my time on anyone who won’t talk to me openly and honestly, because I’ve learned from personal experience that keeping secrets and bottling things up only leads to destruction in relationships. To be honest, though, I don’t think it would have worked anyway, because they’re legally married and my heart is still pinned to someone else. I’m going to try really hard to work things out with her because she means a hell of a lot to me. Since we split I’ve had her on my mind a lot. I still wear the ring from our matching set and keep pictures of her on my phone, because that’s the only way I can see her face right now.

We’ve actually started talking again and I’m really pleased because I think we’re on the right track now. We were both dealing with a ton of personal shit when we were together and I think the time apart gave us both space we needed. Unfortunately, I turned into a complete disaster in the meantime, and then my grandmother died and it kept going downhill from there. I’m slowly trying to climb back up and I’ve promised myself that I’m done with casual sex for good. It’s meaningless and does nothing for me, and I would much rather be with one person I’m in love with, even if that means waiting for a long time. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.

I’m determined that I will find my way back to the person I was before I fell in with the wrong crowd of people. Almost every single person I work with is on at least one illegal substance regularly and that’s where I picked it up, because I never touched hard drugs in high school. If my job piss tested at all then nearly everyone would be fired, including one of our shift managers. I actually used to buy my weed from her. Our general manager even used to be a huge stoner back in the day, which I found out last year when I decided to try and make pot brownies. I asked the regular weed smokers there about it and none of them knew so I took a shot in the dark and asked my GM. I was totally shocked when she actually gave me an answer and admitted to having made them a lot in the past.

Most of my coworkers are not bad people, just people who’ve had little education and rough lives. You don’t really need any qualifications to make a pizza, and I have friends who work in other restaurants around here and they’ve told me they’re all the same. Apparently the restaurant biz is the place to go if you’re a junkie. A lot of us used to socialize regularly outside of work simply for the fact that we all wanted to get high, but I won’t be going over to smoke with them anymore. I plan to quit working there in the very beginning of February, before my birthday, and get my job back in the elections department of our city government center. It’s a temporary position that will last through the election cycle next year, but it pays way more than I make right now. If I want to get that job, though, I’ll have to be completely clean because they do a drug test before they hire you and then randomly after that.

I’ve decided to try and not regret my varied/wild/insane experiences of this past month and just take them as life lessons learned. Even as depressed as I’ve been lately, I still have enough fire left in me to fight this because I’ve realized I don’t want to end up a thirty-year-old junkie living in a ghetto trailer park and living off welfare with six starving kids. I want a better life than that. I want to clean up my act, settle into a serious relationship, and get a career started. I’m not sure what it will be yet, but I have time to figure it out still. If I can get my passion for writing back I may try and make it as a novelist. If I get some proper vocal training I might even try for singing. I have a nice voice for mellow indie music like Ingrid Michaelson and Dido. It was suggested to me that I should try learning piano and singing in piano bars where that kind of music is popular. I honestly just can’t make up my mind at the moment. Two months ago I was convinced I wanted to be a marine biologist and study sharks up close and personal. I love all things dangerous and adrenaline-causing, and that certainly would be.

As I mentioned in my previous entry, I dropped all of my college classes recently for this semester. I wasn’t going to any of them because I couldn’t find the will to get out of bed at all for days at a time, weeks in a row. My mood swings have been getting gradually worse. I don’t know exactly what mental disorder classification I’m in at the moment, because I haven’t yet spoken to a proper psychiatrist. I’ve only spoken to my general physician about getting a referral to a therapist, and she put me on antidepressants and some anti-anxiety pills to calm me down. I tend to get wound up sometimes and have mini panic attacks. Thus far I’ve only had two really huge ones where I’ve started hyperventilating and had to breathe into a bag, so I’m counting my lucky stars on that and hope to keep it that way. I also fidget constantly and have an annoying habit of talking too much when my nerves go haywire.

The problem is that what she prescribed doesn’t seem to work for me. It made me really sleepy to the point where I couldn’t drive safely, so I had to call the whole weekend out of work, and it made me sick to my stomach, but it didn’t make me feel less anxious. I looked it up online and found out it’s a kind of tranquilizer used to treat mild cases of anxiety and insomnia, but that’s not what I want. I don’t need something to just knock me out, because I need to be awake and aware if I’m going to keep working, and besides I’ll still feel shitty when I wake up. I need something that will kick in fast enough to calm me down when I freak out, because my mood shifts aren’t subtle at all. They come out of nowhere with the smallest of triggers, and a lot of times I can’t pinpoint a specific cause or reason. I told my doctor I thought I might be bipolar and she doesn’t think I am, but that’s what it feels like. I feel like my entire day is a game of chance and I’m gambling with my sanity. Unfortunately doctors are really hesitant to prescribe the pills I need because of all the addiction potential. The thing I’ve found that works best to calm me quickly is Xanax, but it’s really, really hard to get a prescription for now.

I’m going back in a month to check in with my doctor and if the anti-anxiety meds she gave me still aren’t working then she’ll just have to switch me. I can’t afford to have random freak-outs at any given moment because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, so I need a near-instant off switch. On a lighter note, my dad and I are getting on much better. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that we used to fight a lot when I was growing up, and then we learned to be civil after I turned 18 but we rarely spoke. Now we actually sit in the same room and have conversations. I’ve made him watch a show I love called Bad Girls (British show about a women’s prison) and I know he only watches it to humor me but it gets us in the same room and talking.

I’ve also just potentially made a new friend. I actually met her in high school but we never became friends. I remember at one point in time she was good friends with my best friend at the time and I disliked her, though I can’t recall why for the life of me. It must have been some petty high school drama not worth remembering. Anyway, I had a bit of a fit last night and started cutting really badly. There was a lot of blood and I knew I needed to stop and not be alone, so I called the person I usually call in these instances. She took the approach that I need to learn to cope on my own and stop relying on her to calm me down, which I understand, but I really needed support and I’m a little hurt she didn’t give it to me.

She gave me Becca’s number instead and told me I should talk to her because we have very similar issues, which turned out to be a good thing. Becca came right over to my apartment in the middle of the morning to make sure I was okay and just listen. I spilled my problems and listened to hers, and I found out that we are, in fact, very alike. I described my mood swings and anxiety issues to her and she goes through the same thing. She takes mood stabilizers because antidepressants make her feel suicidal, which I’ve personally experienced. I’ve never been a suicidal person at all, even when I’m depressed, but as soon as I started taking this shit I got even more moody and unstable than before, and I felt like slitting my wrists. I just don’t think they agree with my body.

It wouldn’t be the first time my doctor prescribed the wrong thing to me. She’s done it before so now I’m wondering if I should switch physicians. The only issue is that I’m on my dad’s insurance so I have to pick from the list of available doctors covered by our plan, and she’s the only female physician on the list who’s taking new patients. I’ve only ever had a female doctor ever since I hit puberty and the thought of having a male one makes me very uncomfortable. If she can’t help me, though, I may just have to suck it up. I don’t want to come out worse than I went in.

I’m actually looking forward to this afternoon because Becca is supposed to come back over so we can talk more and watch movies and stuff. From the little time I spent with her I found out she’s actually a really nice person and I just never gave her a chance in high school. I think we’re definitely going to be good friends. As soon as she saw my massive movie collection she started going on about it. We like basically all of the same shows and she’s the only friend I have here who will actually sit down and watch The O.C. with me. If you’re not familiar, it’s an American high school/teen drama show. I don’t usually watch those types of shows because they annoy the shit out of me, but it’s definitely an exception. I’m super excited because I’ve been wanting to re-watch it for a while and I have the collector’s edition set.

Neither of us have anything to do most of the week since I dropped my classes and she’s on mental disorder/disability pay from the government, which means she’s not allowed to have a job. After I quit Pizza Hut, if I don’t decide to go back to the CCG, I might apply for it because she explained the process and told me that I would definitely qualify. I’m sure most of the people reading this have experienced some form of depression or a mental disorder of some sort (otherwise we all probably wouldn’t be on here) so I’m sure you can understand that holding down a job while taking serious prescription medicine is not an easy thing.

I am dreading the thought of going to work next weekend. I don’t know how I’m going to last until February. I suppose I’ll just have to force myself to go if I still feel this way next weekend, but I’m honestly hoping that these meds start improving my mood soon because otherwise I take it out on everyone around me unintentionally, and that’s a really bad thing if I want to keep my job. I already pissed a few people off by blowing up on them last week. I don’t mean to do it but sometimes I can’t control it. It’s a scary and overwhelming feeling to have so much anger and pain inside, and to try and hold it in when someone pisses me off and I just want to scream bloody murder, which happens frequently at my job. I’m not much of a people person to begin with and all I do there is deal with rude people. I feel like a ticking time bomb and as time passes I come closer to detonating, and I know that the drugs I’ve been doing only make it worse (especially the withdrawals), which is just another reason for me to give them up.

Even now I can feel the headache coming on as I’m writing this, so I’m going to wrap up this mini-novel, take some aspirin, and go to sleep. I’ll try and update more frequently and not be gone as long as I was before. If you’re still reading this I am absolutely astounded and have to give you kudos, and if you are I hope you’re in a much better place than I am emotionally, and if not then I hope that some of the things I said might bring you hope. Until next time… love you all and good morning/night (to my sweet girl on the other side of the world. I hope we have time to talk again later).

My life as of late. Content warning.

Life has been shit for me lately. You can party it up until you pass out, but when you wake up in the morning you’re just the same person as the day before. Since I last updated I’ve been on an insane roller coaster, literally and figuratively. I’ve dropped all my college classes, all but quit my job (I’m hardly there anymore), wasted most of my student loan money on drugs, done hard drugs that I won’t touch again (crack, heroin-based ecstasy, and meth-based ecstasy), begged my drug dealers to find me meth and heroin, drank until I puked in the middle of sex, slept with three men even though I don’t like men (I like the attention, even if it’s only momentary), dated a married couple as the third wheel (fucking miserable experience), and my grandmother died. My depression and anxiety have started acting up again so that I feel like a yo-yo all day long. One minute I’m relaxed and the next I could kill someone. Damn near punched a bloody hole in the wall I got so wound up. Went to my doc and got some antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills, which aren’t doing shit at the moment. I feel even worse than I did before. I’ve become a moody, psychotic bitch and I’m considering going to AA next month to try and stop using cocaine and slow down on the alcohol. I generally have a drink as soon as I wake up in the morning, and if I don’t get a dose of coke on a daily basis I get extremely irritable. I’ve also started cutting again, but more than just a few shallow lines on my hip. This time it’s my wrist and I’ve marked it up so bad the whole thing’s red. I filled half a shot glass with my own blood and chucked it straight down my throat, which has me convinced I’ve definitely gone round the bend a bit. I asked my doctor to get me a referral to a therapist because I know I need help, but I’m also scared. If I tell them about the drugs they’ll send me to rehab, which I can’t afford and insurance won't cover. If I tell them about my anorexia (I’ve stopped puking up completely) they’ll lock me in the Bradley Center (local mental institution). So when it comes down to it I’m really scared to go, even though I know I need to talk to someone and get my shit sorted. I feel like I’ve thrown my life down the toilet. I’m a miserable mess most of the time, but the one bright spot on my day was that my weight was down two pounds this morning from yesterday. I’ve barely eaten a thing in three days. I know that’s not a good thing, but the devil on my shoulder is cheering me on and telling me well done. I just want that passion for life that I used to have back, and I want an actual involved relationship with a woman that I care about. I have one in mind but she lives on the other side of the world. I don’t know if she’d even have me back now, but I think about her all the time. I’d love any kind of advice from anyone who has similar problems or past experiences, but no negative comments please. I already feel like shit without criticism from others. I've also updated my stats, goals, rewards, and measurements if you're curious. I did gain quite a bit recently but I'm back to losing now.

Adventureland

My life has been this crazy adventure lately. I decided to visit the darker side of myself and it’s been a total roller coaster. I skipped classes for about a week and a half and did nothing but basically party and sleep. I’ve tried all kinds of things I never thought I would, and I can’t say that I regret it. I think experiencing new things just gives you more knowledge about the world and about yourself. I had a threesome with a married couple, I had a one-night stand with a dude (thus absolutely confirming my suspicion that I’m a lesbian and have ZERO interest in guys), and I realized that I want to marry my best friend Betty. It won’t be now or even next year, but someday I want to marry that girl. We’re not even together like that and we won’t be for a long time, if ever, because she’s leaving next year for the army and we don’t want to risk losing our friendship, but we’ve talked about “what if.” She is the younger version of me, almost an exact carbon copy, but we have just enough differences to make it interesting. We spend every weekend together and we will always be the original two: B&C. Even if we never go there, I know we will always be friends. Today I woke up and actually went to class. Now that I’ve lived on the edge for a bit I realize that I need to get back to my responsibilities. I can’t just allow my life to spiral completely out of control, because that’s not who I am. I’m a very responsible person usually and I need to take care of things so I can go somewhere in life. I have homework and stuff to catch up and exams to study for, but I firmly believe now that I’ll be okay. I can find the balance between the party life and the mature life, but it’s going to mean I have a lot less time to be online. I’m sorry I can’t be the blogger I used to be at the moment, but just know that I think about all of you every single day, especially those of you who I got really close to. Sammy and Christina… I love you guys, I think about you a lot and I hope that you’re okay. When I get a minute to spare I promise I will catch up on your blogs and comment, and I hope you don’t lose faith in me because of my absence. *hugs* I hope everyone is well and happy. Stay strong and beautiful lovelies.

Live & Learn: Never Do This

Last night was fuckin' wild... like Hangover Part 1 without the farm animals in the room. Two of my friends came over and we met up with some other friends and did a bunch of cocaine and smoked some loud, and then me and one of my friends took 1/4 an oxy. About an hour later all three of us took an E pill each. NEVER do this!!! The friend who just took the E and the coke without the oxy was fine, but me and Bree were up puking all fucking night. We ended up going to Waffle House at like 5 am cuz none of us could sleep (and we laid there for about 3 hours trying), and then when we got back we were only able to sleep for a few hours before we were all awake and wired again. Now we're bout to go hit up my homeboy to get some more shit. Haha. I'm so fucked this weekend. On the bright side, I'm losing weight again. :) I may update later today or tomorrow. *deuces*

Insanity: Table for One

Down, down, down I seem to fall, deeper into this pit of destruction I've been digging for myself. I can't pinpoint when exactly it started or if there's even a particular trigger that started it, but I haven't been this in touch with my inner demons since I was in middle school. That vile monster that's been sleeping inside me is growling and sniffing at the air, cracking an eye open and trying to take over. I've found myself completely wrapped up lately in not caring about life or what I'm doing with it. I carry out the motions out of habit, a routine I've taught myself to follow, but the part of my conscious that's really involved in living has been muted lately, put on the back burner to replaced by numbness. I've been drinking too much, smoking too much grass, therefore eating way too much, then chain smoking to stop myself from stuffing my face some more. I've also gotten back into using something else, a lovely powder that takes away my appetite. I don't know when I woke up and decided to be nothing again, and the disturbing part is that I'm only mildly concerned with this realization. I've been flirting with men again since my relationship failed, just for the hell of it. I really don't like men and I don't find them at all appealing, but I like the attention. It's hard to find female attention around here and my battered ego seeks out the first bit of gratification it can: men that stare at me longingly and try and convince me I'm interested, even though it never goes anywhere because I'm not. I love the attention, and I hate that I love it. I hate that I don't care about the things I should right now, but I love the freedom that lies in the absence of mind. When all is said and done, maybe I will come back from the brink, just as I did so many years ago, and maybe I will still remember who I am. Maybe I will remember that I'm more than a disordered, alcoholic, drug addict trapped in limbo; an endless inner battle. I will be more than this shell of a person someday. I will be stable and happy, and I will find a woman to love me and hold me and not judge me, and I will love who I am and where I'm at in my life. But that day is not today.

Rain, rain, go away...

Not much went according to plan today. I woke up after just a few hours of sleep, still half drunk, and struggled to get the big, boxy, heavy TV out of my room, down the stairs, and into the trunk of my car while it was raining. Then I went with my dad to get the new TV for my room. We got back and I hooked it up (it looks amazing) and then the plan was to go to my best friend's house to hang out, since we're both free for Labor Day and we don't get to see each other much anymore. Another friend of mine was supposed to meet up with us there, but all three of us were feeling sick when we woke up so it didn't happen. Brittany has a cold/flu thing, Katy thinks she ate something last night that wasn't cooked properly, and I've puked twice today from how much alcohol I consumed last night. I find it interesting that I didn't puke until almost 24 hours AFTER I drank said alcohol... I don't usually get sick at all from alcohol, but I think because I've been drinking for 3 days straight my body isn't sure how to handle it.

To give you an idea of how much I drank exactly...

Before midnight last night:
4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles
3oz 80 proof vodka

After midnight last night/this morning:
4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles
13oz 80 proof vodka

That means I drank 8 beers and 16oz of straight vodka in a matter of a few hours. Haha. No wonder I've been sick all day. Anyway, here's what I've had today:

4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles (572)
13oz 80 proof vodka (867)
16oz light cranberry juice (80)
Monster Lo-Carb energy drink (20)
Dill pickle spear (1)
Trident original gum (4)
6oz orange (78)
5.2oz broccoli (52)
3oz tomato (15)
Gerber baby food applesauce (50)
Gerber baby food peas (45)
Quaker white cheddar rice cake (45)
16 animal crackers (120)
2 slices of rye bread (160)
1 slice of pepperjack cheese (70)
4 slices of Land O' Frost ham (50)
1oz avocado (45)
1.2oz tomato (6)
1 1/2 tsp light mayonnaise (25)
1 tsp mustard (0)
Calories from alcohol: 1,519
Calories from everything else: 786
Total calories: 2,305 damnnn... that alcohol is a serious speed bump in my diet

Labor Day Drinking

So Labor Day drinking for me consists of Saturday, Sunday, AND Monday. lmao So far I have gotten my drink on without fail every afternoon after work. I don't have to work at all tomorrow or go to classes so it's gonna be an all out party day for me. I do have to go get a new TV, though, so I'll have to be sober long enough to do that in the morning. lol

Other than that I think I am back on track. I'm mentally ready for this and I will stick to it. I'm going to be thin, thin, thin. Think Mischa Barton on the O.C. She was gorgeous in that and I so want her hip bones.

I found myself thinking this and thought it was worth writing down:

I will be so light and thin
I’ll slip through your fingers
Like paper in the wind

@kes - You're totally right. September is going to be my month :)
@Christina - Absolutely. I am ready to turn over a new leaf. I miss you!
@Run - Lol coolness :) It's interesting how many people have similar names on here. August is definitely of the past and not worth dwelling on. I will do better this month.
@Weightless - Aw thank you. That's really sweet :) I definitely hope things get better and not worse.
@jackie - Thank you! I think I've already started losing a little since I've been cutting back on the bingeing. Only time will tell.
@Sam Lupin - *huggles back* I miss you so, so much!!! I'm glad the restricting is working for you. Good luck hun. You deserve to see a loss. Hopefully I will catch up with you sometime on MSN :)

A Brief Update

I'm really sorry guys. I know I haven't updated in ages. I've just been in this weird sort of rut in my life. I've also been really busy with school and blah, blah, blah. I could come up with an endless list of excuses, but the simple truth is that I haven't felt worthy of even coming on here. I don't feel like I even deserve support because I've just been sabotaging my every effort to lose weight. I've been bingeing basically nonstop since I quit my water fast, and I've been smoking which makes me binge more, and the smoking also makes me not give one flying fuck about what I eat or how I look, or anything for that matter. I cease to care about my life or anything around me. It's a pleasant numb feeling to not give a fuck, but then I wake up in the morning and feel like such a horrible failure. At least I seem to be losing weight again. My body freaked out on me after the water fast and started packing on the pounds REALLY quickly, but it seems to have settled down now. I've started tracking everything I eat again, so that should be a help. As long as I can stay motivated and stop myself from being lazy, I might be able to pull my shit together. I just hope that happens soon. I'm sorry for being away and I apologize in advance if you don't hear from me in a while, but I will really try to kick myself in the ass and get a move on. :) Hopefully soon I will be back to my motivated, daily blog updating, rapid weight losing self.

Liberty Creek Cabernet Sauvignon

The way I've been eating since I got off my water fast has been appalling and disgusting. It doesn't help any that I've been drinking tons of wine and smoking, which always makes me eat. When I smoke (no, not cigarettes) I turn into a ravenous beast; a bottomless pit; a garbage disposal. I will literally eat through the contents of the cupboard and the fridge, even when I'm so full that it's physically uncomfortable to keep eating. So... I'm going to have to give up smoking again. It is just sabotaging my weight loss. I'm not even going to say what my scale said this morning, because it's just terrible and I don't want to think about it. I have a new plan, though, and it had better work. I've been taking laxatives and slowly crapping out all the junk I've been putting in my body for the last few days, but I think I have about another day of laxatives to go before it's all out (I really ate THAT MUCH). Until it's all out, I will not be eating solids, except for fruits. I will have a piece of fruit at each meal along with liquids and baby food. Anything between meals will have to be baby food (which surprisingly doesn't taste bad). I will weigh again when I feel it's all out and hopefully the number won't be so horrifying.

Sutter Home Sweet Red

Okay I ended up downing an entire bottle of red wine by myself (only a 750ml bottle) and I'm not even tipsy. Damn. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't built up my alcohol tolerance. It takes so much more to feel it now. I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight but she bailed. I guess I should have expected it from her, but I was hoping for the best. So I just smoked, ate, and drank alone. That sounds really depressing, I know, but I had fun anyway. I danced around my room and watched The OC, and texted some friends, so it's all good. Anyway, the last few days have been horrible food-wise. I really need to kick my ass for all the bingeing I did. I need to get back on track pronto, cuz I've already gained back several pounds. This is just unacceptable. I am going back to restricting immediately. The only saving grace is that I looked it up online and apparently the average 750ml bottle of red wine only has between 300-500 calories. That's way less than the amount of calories I used to drink in vodka on a daily basis. I have another full bottle in the fridge but I'm not opening it tonight. I will save that for another day. I also took some pictures in my new clothes. :D I only feel like posting one, so here ya go:

Just wanted to let you guys know...

I'm still alive and kicking. lol I haven't been around much the last few days but hopefully I'll be back to my regular blogging soon. The last few days have been a bit of a food disaster for me, but I'm hoping to be back on track tomorrow. :) I miss you all and I know I have a lot of comments to reply to, but for now I'm going to watch The OC and sip on my red wine.

So I broke my fast...

I went to the store around 11:30 last night and bought all kinds of fruit and veggies to break my fast with. When I got home I cut up the watermelon I bought and had a few slices around 1 am, along with some V8 juice. I had no idea that it would be so hard to eat so little food. I feel overstuffed from just a few slices. It's an uncomfortable feeling, but I guess it's better than puking up stomach acid all the time, which I did twice last night. I'm following the guidelines for breaking a fast presented here: http://www.allaboutfasting.com/breaking-a-fast.html I'm desperately hoping I don't gain all the weight back because that would be VERY frustrating after all of my hard work. I will update later today to let you guys know how it's going and to do some replies.

Day 16 of 28

My weight has done something strange and confusing. This morning I was 2 pounds heavier than yesterday, and this evening I was 2.6 pounds heavier. O.o I haven't eaten so I'm baffled. I may break my fast early tomorrow because I think it's getting to be a bit much with school. This afternoon I walked from the parking garage to my afternoon class all the way across campus only to find out it was canceled for the day, so I had to walk all the way back. I thought I was going to pass out. I'm also really tired of having dry mouth and nausea. I don't think I want to finish this as much as I thought when I started out. Sixteen days is pretty good, though, right? Thoughts, opinions, suggestions all welcome...

Day 15 of 28

I don't really have a lot of energy for blogging at the moment, or anything else really. I have so much work to do for my classes it's kind of unreal. I feel myself wanting to slip back into my old routine of laziness and procrastination, but I'm really trying not to. I wasn't prepared to be SO busy right away. I need to stay away from the online food articles and restaurant guides because reading them and looking at the pictures makes my mouth water. I have another 13 days to go still. I'm really hoping I can stick to it. On the up side, my nose stopped running earlier this week and my scale said 157.2 this morning. On the down side, I keep getting dry mouth constantly. I always wake up with it and when I talk I get it, and it makes my throat hurt. Maybe I'm not drinking enough water. I'll do some comments now and then it's back to studying. I grabbed a nap when I got home so I should be good for a while. Maybe I'll even have time to watch Winnie the Pooh afterward if I hurry my ass up.

@FatBitch - Yeah I love them, they're adorable. I lost all my tips at work that day and it just really upset me.

@mlw - I'm on day 15 of 28 of my water fast.

@Sam Lupin - Academic success demands that I be super organized, so I'm trying really hard to keep up with everything. I don't want to fall behind again. If you can't make time for me I understand. Just know that I miss my during-the-day chatting buddy. I generally try to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Eh, I don't want to look androgynous. I just want them not to be so damn heavy because it makes wearing certain kinds of clothes rather difficult. Good luck with all of the school work.

@Jen :) - I love pasta in a crazy way, but I know that it's one of the most fattening things to eat so I try to be good with it. I will probably have some in moderation after I end my fast.

@Mia - Thank you, and I totally understand. I won't rest until I'm thin. I just hope I can keep up with all of this damn reading. Ugh. There's so much of it.

@Christina - I hope all turns out well. It's an awful lot of reading and notes I have to get done in a short time. Staying motivated is a huge problem for me. I think it would be easier if I wasn't also working, but I need the extra money. I love pasta as well. It is one of my few food weaknesses, along with chicken. If the chicken and pasta are combined that's even better. lol

@Run - I know! I feel really accomplished, and now I only have 13 more days to go. I'm finding my textbook much more enjoyable than listening to the professor talking. He just bores me to death. I feel that way around pizza as well, particularly at work. I always feel like curling up in a little ball and dying when a fresh thin crust pepperoni comes out of the oven.

@jackie - Thanks hun. I have concentration issues too. I just really need to buckle down and get this taken care of. I've put it off for a while now.

Day 14 of 28 (First Day of Classes)

I’m just taking a quick break from textbook reading/note taking to update about my day. I’ve spent the last four or so hours doing that, so I’m ready for a break. Anyway, I had Biology this morning and Psychology this afternoon. I absolutely adore biology but the professor is like dry bread. I was way more interested by reading the textbook than listening to him talk. He didn’t really even cover the material in his lecture. He just rambled. Blah. That’s okay. I took VERY thorough notes from the book and made a study guide, so I’ll be fine. Psych on the other hand was pretty awesome. I can already tell I’m going to get along just fine with the teacher. She has a great sense of humor and doesn’t care if we bring our laptops to class as long as we don’t disrupt the learning environment. The only bad thing is the textbook… the first chapter is 35 pages and they just get longer after that. MEH!

I had a brief scare this morning where I thought someone had stolen my phone from the computer lab, but it turns out I just left it in my car like a big dummy. *rolls eyes* I ran all the way from class to the lab just to find out it wasn’t there, and then I was sweaty and out of breath and almost late for class. Urgh. I managed to go all day on just plain water. It feels good to be back on track again. Though, I have to say, I was nauseous nearly all day. There was a lot of walking around outside in the heat involved. I ended up leaving the campus after my first class and going to Walmart and then my apartment before going back (I have that much time between my Monday classes). Then I left my phone in my car again during Psych. I really wasn’t happy about that, but at least the class only took about half an hour because she only wanted to cover the syllabus. Normally it will last for an hour and fifteen.

When I got home my dad made spaghetti - my weakness. It was the kind with freshly cooked ground beef in the sauce and I about died. I had to take a plate to appease him and it's currently in my trash can, but I can smell it. *dies a little more inside* Sorry I've been absolute shit at commenting your blogs lately. I swear I'm reading them. I just haven't had the time/energy to really comment properly. I’m going to get to replies really quickly and then go back to my schoolwork, because I want to be ahead of the game. I do not want to fall behind because I desperately need to raise my GPA. It’s absolutely pitiful (I won’t even say what it is) from the semester I attended straight out of high school in Arizona. Let’s just say I dropped two classes, failed another, and barely passed the other, just to give you the broad picture. So I’m going to try and make straight A’s all this year so I can bring it up to something decent. All right, comments now. (:

Day 12 of 28:

@kes - I found out something interesting. Vitamin Water Zero isn't ACTUALLY 0 calories. I did some looking around and they're allowed to market it that way because of the sweetener they use, but it has something around 8 calories per bottle. That's not a lot, granted, but I think they should have to put that on the bottle instead of 0. It's probably for the best that you quit your job when you were pregnant if you were also going to school. That sounds way too stressful for someone who's prego. I definitely need at least one day a week to myself. I know I can't go like this for very long.

@Christina - Based on the amount of reading and notes I have to do from just my first two classes ALONE, there is no way I can handle working that much on top of it. I'm going to need all my time to stay on track.

@missinsanity. - I'm choosing not to sweat the Vitamin Water thing anymore. It happened and I probably needed the electrolyte boost. I just have that kind of personality where I freak out about stuff for a while if I think I've sabotaged myself. You start in September? Lucky duck.

@Sam Lupin - I totally didn't regain any of it, but I stuffed myself full of energy drinks/supplements that day so I made it through. Aw, I will make time for you. No worries. So I went down the baby food aisle at Walmart the other day. I was absolutely amazed by everything they had. lol Some of it looks really gross but I'm determined to try it anyway. Actually... you CAN sleep too much. *nods* If you oversleep it's just as bad for you as undersleeping. In fact, either under- or oversleeping can prevent weight loss. If am I thin before you, of course I will wait for you and still support you 100%.

@Run - You get daily nausea too? I hate it. It mostly happens when I walk around (especially if it's hot outside) but right now I'm sitting and my stomach is still turning unpleasantly. I'm just trying not to think about it. I am halfway through my 28 days now. Woo!

@Hope to be thin - If my energy doesn't come back then it doesn't. I'm just determined to see this through either way. I can deal with being a little slower. It's just the nausea I really can't stand. I hate that sick-to-your-stomach feeling. Right now I'm taking Biology, Psychology, World Regional Geography, US History to 1865, and Scuba diving class (which I'm really excited about - it starts in October). I'm going to end up working during school, but not as much as I was working before. I couldn't keep up with all of that.

@Nasimiyu - Yes indeed... every pound lost is cause to celebrate :) I try to have a cheerful outlook, but it's hard when I constantly feel like I'm going to puke. *sigh* Oh well. No pain, no gain.

Day 13 of 28:

@Mia - Thanks, and me too! lol

@Christina - Thanks, and yeah the hunger pains have receded to be replaced once again by nausea. I'm dealing, though.

@missinsanity. - You called me Crash... ;P No one else on here has done that yet, even though it's my nickname. I love the striped one too but I wanted it with black and dark blue instead of brown and white. It was even prettier in that combo, but they only had the blue in junior's XS and XL. I needed a M or L, so I ended up getting the brown in medium, which is basically an adult small I suppose. Junior's sizes run like a size smaller than women's sizes - I think.

@Annie - I would be a junior (year 3) if I'd stayed in when I went originally, but I decided it wasn't right for me at the time and I left to work for a few years. I'm really glad I did because I'm a lot more mature and prepared to commit to it now. So I am a freshman.

@kes - I have a hard time wearing shirts like those because my boobs are so heavy. I swear I almost injured my neck today wearing the halter top, just because of the weight strain on it from supporting my chest. It's still kind of ache-y.

@Nasimiyu - Oh I totally feel you on having huge hips. For me it's the hips/ass area that is the problem. It has lost the least inches so far I believe, and it's so annoying. I want it to just go away! I bought a pair of size 10 Jordache jeans today and they fit perfectly. *claps* I'm totally in love with them. It turns out my size junior 13 Lei jeans are actually a bit too big for me. I wish I hadn't listened to the lady in the dressing room. She told me I needed the 13 even though I wanted to try on the 11. I won't be taking her advice again, because that means I just wasted like $22.

@Sam Lupin - O.o Why is a size 10 bad? Here that's actually a good thing... lol It means I'm not overweight anymore. They were mean to me, yes, but that's not why I cried. I cried because I lost the ticket and money for one of my deliveries and had to pay for it out of pocket when I got back to the store, and it took all of my tips to do so. I lost $20 and it upset me pretty bad. Later when they were mean to be I just felt murderous. I could've just killed them all. Aw I love Biology. If you need any help with it let me know because I'm taking it also and I'm pretty good at it. :) I envy your 34B. If I was a 34B I could buy all the cute tops and bras and they would actually fit, instead of my boobs falling out of the top and sides. :/ They're simply too big for my liking at the moment. Thanks for commenting lovely! Hopefully we can chit chat sooooon.

Day 13 of 28 (Yesterday)

Day 13:

Okay so I totally didn’t have ANY time to post yesterday. I worked ten hours and then went shopping for some clothes, since I’m starting college today. I felt I deserved a little treat, and OMG I fit into a pair of size ten jeans!!! In junior’s sizes I’m an 11-13. I can hardly believe it. Anyway, yesterday was a fucking disaster. I ended up crying at work and feeling absolutely murderous. I’m so tired of that fucking bullshit. I can’t wait to leave. I also feel like I cheated myself again because I got through the day with a Vitamin Water, two Vitamin Water Zeros, a Monster Absolute Zero, and a 5-hour energy. At least I managed to keep going… On a brighter note, the scale said 158.2 yesterday morning. Awesome right? Anyway, I took some pictures of the cute new clothes I bought to show you guys. :)


(Lei jeans - junior size 13 - they're a bit loose on me)

(Same jeans - back view)

(This shirt makes me look tiny)

(I think this shirt is sooo cute, but it's still a bit tight on me - it's a junior's medium/7-9)


(I love this, but I'm going to have to figure out what to do with my boobs - they're kind of heavy, so the top won't stay up right)

(This dress also makes me look really thin (^.^)

(It's actually more of a mustard yellow color, but the camera made it orange)

(New strapless bra to wear with my blue and purple tube dress)

(These are actually a darker brown in person - US size 6 underwear - for those unfamiliar, underwear sizes are NOT the same as pant sizes)

(US size 6)

(US size 5 - these definitely don't fit yet but I love the color - something to work toward)

Day 14:

I made a terrible mistake. I feel like I royally fucked myself over. Before I went to sleep I puked bile again and my stomach was upset, and I caved and had two antacid soft chews, thinking that would be okay. I should have known better. I guess my body interpreted that as food because shortly thereafter my stomach started making a bunch of racket (like growling and digestive noises). Also, my hunger completely disappeared a few days ago. I’ve been just fine. But now it’s back with a vengeance. It’s really intense to the point where I can’t fucking sleep. I feel like crying. How could two little antacid chews do all this? Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!! It’s so unfair. After all my hard work I feel like I have to start the entire fucking process all over again. :( Someone shoot me? I will update later either between classes or after my second and last class of the day. I just have Biology and Psychology today and there is a few-hour break between them. I will also do replies later because I'm in no mood for them at the moment.

Day 12 of 28 (Tons of replies)

Oh what a day, what a day… I suppose it wasn’t too bad all things considered, but it wasn’t ideal either. There was more shit talked about me, but I’m kind of used to it now. I’m too tired to really bitch about it at the moment. I’ve just been so tired lately and I know it’s because I’m fasting, but I had hoped my energy would be back by now. *sigh* Tomorrow is my dreaded ten-hour shift and then Monday morning I start classes. I’m sure I will be exhausted for the next week. I told our GM she needs to find a new driver to cover Sundays because I just can’t handle going to school five days a week and working four days a week. I will have absolutely no time for myself, and I really need a day off of both school and work or I will go insane.

Scale said 159.2 this morning. I’m a tad disappointed that I didn’t lose more than 0.2lbs, but I’m hoping for better luck tomorrow. I feel like I cheated on my water fast today, although logically I know I didn’t really. I had a couple bottles of Vitamin Water Zero with electrolytes and a bottle of Sobe Lifewater Zero. I know that’s not technically plain water so I feel really guilty about it. As I told Sam earlier, I have a worrying mind. I tend to beat myself up over little things even when I know it’s not a big deal. I’ll be okay now that I’m at home, though. Nothing but distilled water for the rest of the night. I warmed up some leftover beans from the fridge for show and promptly dumped them in my trash can. I don’t think my dad suspects a thing.

I guess I’ll start on replies now because I have SO many to do. lol I guess I’ve been slacking again. I’ll be covering “I hate bad weather” and “Day 11 of 28.” If you commented on both posts you’ll need to keep scrolling to find your name twice, since I’m replying in order of arrival and separately for each post.

I hate bad weather:

@Christina – I am proud of myself, for sure. I’m happy that I’m finally in a normal weight range, but I won’t be ecstatic until I reach my goal. That doesn’t necessarily mean my goal weight, but at least my goal for the size of pants I want. If I fit well into that size before my goal weight then I will be satisfied. I’m aiming for a size 2 at the moment, because I have a broad bone structure and I’m not sure I could ever fit my hips into a 0. I find it unlikely. lol As for the milk, I will just have to wait and see. I’m leaving it unopened until after my fast, and then I will smell it to make sure it hasn’t gone bad. Since it’s closed I don’t think it will spoil, because the bacteria that causes milk to spoil supposedly only gets in there when it comes in contact with the air. That’s what I read anyway.

@Hope to be thin – I hate the cold and the heat. I’m super picky about the weather. I prefer a happy medium honestly, though if I HAD to choose I might choose the cold, just because I can wrap myself up in layers and layers of clothing and blankets. When it’s hot all I can do is sit in from of an air conditioner and hope to hell I don’t die. lol I figured out that two things were causing my nausea. One was whenever I was standing and walking around after drinking water, and two is whenever I drink my vitamin waters. I think my stomach may just be protesting having something other than straight water in it, since that’s what it’s gotten used to over the past twelve days.

@Sam Sam – I love animal crackers!!! (^.^) Ohhh I miss them. I shall buy some when I am off my fast. They’re not very high calorie either! Definitely going on my grocery list… Oh seals are adorable, but yeah totally covered in blubber. I would be offended too. Haha. But even worse than a seal… what if someone called me a hippo? O.o I would just die. I’m going to have to hunt for that baby herbal tea stuff. I never go into the baby food aisle at all so I don’t even know what’s other there. *sheepish* Oh don’t you worry, I got plentyyy of sleep last night. I slept a shit ton, probably more than I should have.

@Elly – Awesome! I look forward to having you around more, when you get back from Italy of course. :) I loved that post by the way, and thank you for the mention. It made me feel all fuzzy and shit. Yeahhh… I hate being ill. I just really hate it. Usually I would eat a nice big bowl of warm chicken noodle soup, but nope! Not allowed for another… *calculates in head* …16 days.

@FatBitch – This might sound really lame, but I’ve never even heard of fennel seeds before. I will look into it, though. :) Thank you for the tip. My stomach has been a lot better today. I was barely queasy at all and managed not to throw up.

Day 11 of 28 (Chest pain):

@mlw – I would never throw you out for calling her a bitter bitch, because that’s exactly what she is. lol I can’t think of any other reason for her to be so mean about it, because I’ve never been mean to her. And now she says she’s only eating once a day and she’s lost 5lbs so far (supposedly – I can’t tell). So who the hell is she to bother me about whether or not I’m eating? I mean… hello?!? Once a day is STILL starvation. At least my body is in ketosis so it’s not technically starving at the moment.

@Annie – Aw thanks :) Hopefully I can keep it up for another 16 days.

@FatBitch – I’ll have been there two years next January, and I’m planning to leave next February before my birthday. I’m really aiming for that two year marker, because it looks way better on a resume. My pains seemed to have passed so I’m going to stick with it. If anything serious happens and I NEED to break it then I will. I am just hoping for the best right now and I felt a lot better today. I only told two coworkers about my fast and neither of them have said anything. The rumors and speculation going around at the moment have been started simply from the fact that I’ve noticeably lost so much weight, and some people just can’t mind their own business. No one besides Missy and Malaika actually KNOW for a fact that I’m not eating. I don’t mind long comments at all. I enjoy them actually *hugs back*

@Sarah – Yeah I work at Pizza Hut, so the food there definitely isn’t of the healthy variety. My theory on all the bitchiness is that they’re all (for the most part) middle-aged, overweight, and never going anywhere with their lives. Most of them have been working there for a very long time now, and have no chance of doing other things. Then add to that the fact that I’ve lost so much weight and I’m starting college classes on Monday, and all the bitterness and jealousy comes to the surface. They know I’m going somewhere with my life and I’m sure that pisses them off to no end.

@Gracereturnsslowly – Aww that sounds awful I’m sorry. I personally don’t know how you handle not eating dairy products. I’m not going to lie, I love my dairy. Cottage cheese, milk, eggs, cheese… you name it, I eat it. I used to be a vegetarian for two years, though, when I was younger. My family absolutely hated it and made me start eating meat again. I tried to go back this past year, but I found that I couldn’t. I just love chicken too much now. I hate pork and I’m not particularly fond of fish, and I don’t really eat much beef (maybe an occasional steak), but I just LOVE chicken. I don’t know why. Oh she’s trying to lose weight now. She said she’s only eating one meal a day, so that’s still starvation, which means she has NO right to give me shit about whether or not I’m eating.

@Sammy – Lol go on then! :) I would love to see you reach the 140’s. I would just be so proud. I think with the new plan we talked about today you will do just fine. Just make sure you stay above 500 missy. *waggles finger playfully* Wow… when you say “my child” it’s just weird to me, cuz I’m older than you. *giggles* I love a good chick flick too. I hate being such a baby that I cry, but I love the movies. Vitamin Water Zero is this: Click Me. I personally enjoy that flavor but there are a lot of other flavors too. Awesome stuff. I also drink SmartWater: Click Me. Psssh… I think we might reach it at the same time. I don’t want to be thin before you. I want to be thin with you! lol

@Christina – Yeah, I know you’re right. It’s just hard when the majority of people are making snide comments to you. Have you ever noticed that bullies like to stick together? Well that is definitely the case, and Pizza Hut is full of them. I am trying my very best to be strong through this sometimes challenging process. Being able to come on here and talk to you guys helps a lot. Thanks for being here for me!

@Mia – Well that’s good. I hope you can stay away from purging, because the side effects are just awful (been there – part of my back molar crumbled off). I’m sure you will manage to keep it under control, as long as you don’t get too skinny like you said.

@Run – I’m in complete awe that you’ve fasted for 22 days so far. *admires* That’s just awesome. I’ve noticed the bitchy nurse thing! I deliver to the hospital down the street frequently and they are so rude. Also, every time I’ve visited the hospital because of a family member it seems like the nurse is really bitchy. I don’t get it. They’re supposed to be helping people, which means they should be nice to said people. Maybe they should consider having a stay at the hospital to get the sticks surgically removed from their asses.

@americaneagle – I inspire you? O.o Chica you are so tiny! You inspire ME! Lol It seems you have plenty of willpower. ^^ Wouldn’t that just be hilarious if she did gain a bunch of weight after being a bitch about my weight loss? That would serve her well. Aw yeah it was a great movie. The part where I started crying was when her dad bought them a house as a wedding gift. I was just like: omg that’s so sweet… *sobs* hahaha

Day 11 of 28 (Chest pain)

I woke up this morning with a dry mouth and throat again. This is so frustrating. I wake up like this almost every single morning now. (>.<) Rawr. The good news is that my scale said 159.4, so I’m officially into the 150’s now. *does a little dance* I’m still kind of half asleep at the moment. *yawns* I’m debating whether or not to go back to sleep for an hour or to watch some movies. I have to work at 4 pm today. I’ve enjoyed my mini vacation and I’m not looking forward to going back, especially to night shift where everyone’s an asshole. I found out one of the waitresses, who I used to be pretty close to, has been talking shit about my weight lately.

I told one of my friends I’ve lost 60lbs since high school (it’s 66lbs now) and apparently she’s been going around saying: “There’s no way she’s lost 60lbs.” Fuck her. Yes I have. When I was in high school I weighed 225. When I started working at Pizza Hut in January of 2010 I was around 200. That means I’ve lost 41lbs just since I’ve been there, most of which was just recently. I was back to 194 earlier this year. Fuck that bitch. She acts like a friend to my face and then turns around and talks shit. And who is she to talk? She’s got a huge tire hanging around her middle, and it’s WAY more noticeable than my fat. I’m not even kidding. She’s short with a giant roll in the middle. At least I’m tall and it’s spread out.

Sorry for my mini rant. That just made me really mad. I never do anything against those people in there. I always try to be really nice but they’re still mean to me, except for a few of them. The only people who aren’t mean to me are Brittany, Missy, Malaika, Mildred, and Briana. Everyone else is fucking rude, despite my best efforts to be friends. I’ve decided I don’t care to be friends with them if this is how they treat me. Why would I want to be friends with people who constantly put me down and talk about me? I’m tired of being treated like a doormat and taking it with a smile. No more.

Update:

I ended up watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding for the first time, and it was great. I actually got teary eyed at the end cuz I’m a big sap. Then I took a mini nap before work. I just got home a few minutes ago. I was scheduled 4-9 but that bitch Sheree kept me past 10, even though we only had a few deliveries on the screen (like 3) and she had 2 other drivers there who were scheduled to work later than me. That shit pisses me off. Anyway, it was a stressful day. I got a massive headache as soon as I left my apartment and it continued until this past hour. I ended up drinking two Vitamin Water Zeros with electrolytes for energy, and they maybe helped a little, but not very much.

I almost broke today ladies. It wasn’t because of actual hunger, the hunger pains were actually absent today, but because I had some wicked bad cravings. I couldn’t stop obsessing over all kinds of junk food I wanted to eat, and I almost snapped when I had a delivery with several chicken wing orders on it. The mild sauce smell just wafted through my car so temptingly. I managed not to cave but it was a close call. I find myself wondering now whether I’m strong enough to do this. I hope so. With the hunger pains and nausea not present, of course I had to gain other problems to make up for them. One was the headache and the other was a chest/lung pain that started up at work. Every time I took a breath it hurt, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. I also got really tired and really sensitive to bright light and loud noise.

I feel a lot better now that I’m at home in my bed, but I have problem coming up: my general manager wants me to work 10 hours straight on Sunday. Fuck my life. I don’t know how I’m going to survive that shit. I also have to open tomorrow. In other news, I think I made a really big mistake telling people at work that I wanted to lose weight (this was a while back). Now that I’ve noticeably lost weight everyone is noticing, and the rumors have started to fly. One of the waitresses, the same bitch who talks behind my back, asked me today if I’m developing an eating disorder and accused me of not eating. I lied my ass off, went into detail about a huge sandwich I’d had before work. I think she bought it. It might get her off my back for a little while at least. I’m going to have to think up something to trick them for the remainder of the month. Maybe carry around an open bag of chips in my hand or something. Pizza Hut is worse than high school as far as gossip goes, and this is the last thing I need everyone talking about. *sigh*

I’m going to catch up on blogs and do my replies tomorrow probably, because I'm really tired at the moment. I think I’m going to just lay back in my bed and watch some mindless TV until I fall asleep. Night everyone. I hope your days went better than mine. Stay strong lovelies!

I hate bad weather. (Replies)

Sorry for posting three times in one day on you guys. I just love to write everything down here. Maybe someday if I want to be nostalgic I can look back and see what my life was like.

So do you know what’s really fucking weird? One minute it was bright, sunny, hot, and dry, and the next minute it was windy, rainy, and our city’s tornado alert was going off. Then it was bright, sunny, hot, and dry again, not even an hour later. Wtf is that about? I really hate the weather here sometimes (most of the time).

My friends/coworkers just left a little while ago. We went to the pool and stayed out there for a couple of hours. Not much actual swimming got accomplished, but we did play a strange variation of pool volleyball with my beach ball. Then we mostly just lounged in the water and talked. I can’t believe we stayed out there that long without realizing it. I guess that’s what happens when the conversation is good.

Now I’m back in my apartment, in bed, about to watch some movies. I showered, of course. I can’t stand the smell or feel of chlorine on my skin. I’m going to watch Aladdin first and then probably Austin Powers. After that I will probably give Prince of Persia a shot on my instant Netflix because my friends said it was good.

I threw up again earlier. I went to take the trash out and started feeling nauseous, so I came back inside and curled up on my bed, and the next thing I’m bolting for the bathroom and chucking up stomach bile in the sink. It hurt and it was gross, like sickly yellow, because it was basically pure stomach acid. Ugh. I would take some Tums but I don’t think I’m allowed on a water fast? I dunno… At least this has only happened twice in ten days.

I’ll do my replies really quick, in order of arrival, and then I’m off to watch my movies. :)

@Sammy (on Progress Pics) - Thanks! The next ones won't be for a while. I like to try and keep them 20lbs apart because the difference is more noticeable that way. If I stick to that rule then the next ones will be at 140. Ahahaha. Well at least I covered them. ^^ I don't have the self-confidence to show them off like some girls on here. I am not that brave.

@STFUsarah (on Day 9 of 28) - Thank you for the tip. I will have to go there and check on that. :)

@Hope to be thin (on Day 10 of 28) - Thank you hun, and it's not always easy getting around and doing things. There was a lot of sweating and panting involved. I was so tired when I got home. We definitely WILL reach our goals. :D

@Sammy (on Day 10 of 28) - I would rather be a dolphin than a giraffe ;P Cuz dolphins are so cute and playful. And hey! Rabbits are adorable too, missy. I used to have pet bunnies. They were so cuuuuuute! ^^ They make herbal tea specifically for babies? Really? O.o Wow. I did not know that. lol I think your phone was being a meanie today. I was online, damn it. :( I wanted to talk to you.

@FatBitch (on Progress Pics) - Yeah definitely. I don't want someone I know finding them and sending them to everyone they know. School starts for me next Monday.

@kes (on Day 10 of 28) - Yeah it was a chore for sure. I sweated a lot and was soooo tired when I got home. I can't believe that guy was such a douche. Ugh.

@Elly (on Vlog 2) - Aww thanks ^^ I don't really think I'm that brave, though. I believe this was my first time hearing from you. Yayyy! lol

@missinsanity. (on Day 10 of 28) - Yeah, people like that really piss me off. They're so fucking lazy they can't even do their job, and how hard is it to drive around a fucking bus all day? It's not. I deliver pizzas so I know driving isn't that difficult. He doesn't even have to get out of the bus at every stop like I do. Fuck those lazy assholes.

@missinsanity. (on Progress Pics) - Thanks and LMAO!!!!

@mlw (on Day 10 of 28) - Me tooooo. I wish there was a way we could just get rid of all the rude people in the world. It would be a better place if everyone was nice.

Day 10 of 28 (Update)

Good news girls! I got my books today at the university. Wooo! I’m so glad that’s taken care of. The bad news: It was fucking hot as hell outside and those books are heavy. I thought I was going to die, and my water bottle was empty, and my mouth and throat were really dry. Then the campus shuttle bus driver wanted to be an asshole. It was parked at the curb outside of the bookstore and I asked if he could drop me down in front of the parking garage. He gave me this look and said, “It’s right there.” Bit of an exaggeration. It was down a long fucking hill and it was really hot outside. My reply was, “Yeah, but these are really heavy.” Then I started walking because he was being a jerk.

Anyway, I managed to get to my car and grabbed the gallon jug out of the passenger side. Ahhhh… relief. I stopped by the post office on the way home to drop off my Netflix and then came the daunting task of carrying all that shit up to my apartment. I live upstairs and my arms were FULL. Then, when I got to my door, arms overflowing with crap, I dropped.my.fucking.keys. I’m so amazing, right? I nearly collapsed when I got to my room, and then I went and took a nice looooong bath. I’m so glad I scrubbed my tub yesterday so I could lie down in it without feeling like I was sitting in a sespool of germs. I used scented bath salts and a natural sea salt body wash. I feel so much better now.

My coworkers are supposed to come over in a bit to go swimming with me, but I feel so sleepy. *yawns* I might have to take a nap first. lol I posted progress pics earlier, but I’m not sure you want to actually look at those. I’m kind of a whale at the moment. Hopefully it won’t be too long before I shrink to dolphin size. haha I guess I'll go ahead and do replies now before I take my nap.

@Sammy - Cheer up hun, you will get out of the 150s. We are for sure going to do the baby food diet together ^^ I've made up my mind. lol I used to be a really picky eater as well, but recently I've broadened my selection. I'm trying to be more open-minded with food, especially healthy food, so I can have more than just a limited selection.

@Sticks - Yeah, I agree the water fast is the best way to go, also for the cleansing qualities. I like knowing that my body is getting all shiny and clean on the inside. The only reason I might try a juice fast in the near future is to give my body a bit of a break. I don't want to overdo it, you know? Too much of anything generally isn't good.

@Christina - I'm going to give one of the avocados to my coworkers when they come over later. I can't give them both away at once or my dad will suspect something, because there's no way I would go through two avocados in one day. I'm desperately hoping the skim milk won't go bad if I leave it in the fridge unopened. What do you think? Do you think it might keep past the use by date if I don't open it?

@Mia - Ah, well that explains it. *nods* You're right. I'm definitely not ungrateful. He just didn't know and has bad timing. I will pay him back, though, by buying him some food. :) When you said you can stop freaking out now I'm guessing you're referring to the comment I left on your blog? lol No problem, just passing the information along. Aww... I'm sorry. I've always had them. I got my period and my boobs really early, like at age 9 or 10 (I can't remember which).

@Clear Girl - I disagree, but thank you anyway. :) My underwear have cupcakes on them! ^^ I know I'm weird, but I like underwear with cute designs and pastries. lol As for the fasting, I really can't give you any kind of magic formula because I don't have one. It seriously comes down to nothing more than raw willpower. I want to do this and I WILL finish it. I know that's not easy for most people. I guess I just reached my snapping point and said to myself: cut the crap, pull it together.

160.2 & Progress Pics

Sooooo guys... here they are! I know I am still an enormous cow *shamed* but it's better than I looked at 180. I'm decidedly paranoid that someone I know outside of here will find these (idk why they'd be on this site to begin with - but you never know) and use them against me somehow, so I've cropped my head off.

Front view: sucked in (right) and not sucked in (left) - really not much of a difference there.


Side view: sucked in (right) and not sucked in (left)


Now I just need to get dressed and ready to go, because I'm going back to the university today to try and get my books. I will update later with how it goes. Wish me luck!

Day 9 of 28 (161.0 & Thinspo)

I forgot to tell all of you lovelies yesterday that when I went to Britt’s house I tried on her size ten pants… and they fit! They were a bit tight around the middle, but not by much. Another few pounds and they would be perfect. I’m so excited. Of course, I’m still a larger size in jeans because they cut them differently for some reason. I wish all clothing was just cut the same so you’d always know what size to look for in the store. Also, when we were at Walmart, I bought a new bathroom scale and a new food scale (a better one than I have). I also got a juicer in case I decide to do a juice fast in the near future. I don’t think I really needed a new bathroom scale, but I wanted one. The one I have is kind of old and dirty and I just wanted a new one. *shrugs*

Today I have to try and fix my laptop. A piece fell off the bottom like a week ago and I’ve been just super lazy about it. I need to find a little itty bitty screwdriver to put it back on. I think my dad might have one in his toolbox in the storage closet. Urgh. That means digging around and moving boxes. Joy. I thought progress pictures would be today, but the scale said 161.2 this morning, so nope. I re-weighed a few minutes ago and it said 161.0, which still isn’t 160. I’m not cheating my system. I will wait for 160. I’m really pissed off that I can’t have 160 RIGHTNOW. Meh.

Hunger pains tried to keep me awake last night. They struck with a vengeance before I went to bed. I rolled around, trying to get comfortable, and the growling and gnawing just got worse and worse. I finally managed to doze off but I kept waking up. It was so uncomfortable. I finally did manage to get some good sleep, though, so that’s a relief. I made it through the night and now I’m on day 9. Woo! I haven’t been drinking as much water as I should. Note to self: drink much more so you don’t get totally dehydrated.

I’ve started my laundry. I have three loads to do today. My dad did the nicest thing and now I feel like shit. He bought me avocados and skim milk, because he knows I love them. He doesn’t eat avocados and he definitely doesn’t drink skim milk, and now I feel terrible because they’re sitting in the fridge and I can’t eat them and I feel like he wasted his money. What the hell am I going to do? I feel like a terrible person right now, because I couldn’t just fess up and tell him I’m fasting so he wouldn’t buy any food. I didn’t ask him to, but he’s trying to be nice. I guess I will just have to cook for him. I rarely do, but it will be my thank you. Maybe tomorrow during the day I will peel and boil some potatoes (he bought a whole bag). I can make it look like I’ve eaten some of the food I guess, but in actuality I will just make some healthy snacks and give them to my coworkers. At least it will get eaten that way and not thrown away. I still feel horrible, like I want to curl up into a little ball.

I spoke to the people in the university bookstore on the phone a little while ago. They said my name STILL isn’t on the Early Book Program list, but there’s good news. If I get a signed copy of my invoice from the Bursar’s Office showing I have a reimbursement coming, then they can manually put me on the list. YES! I feel so relieved. Now I just have to drag my lazy arse out of the apartment to do it. I’m thinking today might be my lazy day since I was busy all of yesterday, so I may just do it tomorrow. I haven’t decided yet. I still want to vacuum and clean my bathroom today, but I don’t know if that will even happen. I’m quite enjoying just lying in my bed at the moment. We’ll see.

On a positive note, I’ve started my new tooth care regimen. I bought some Crest 3D White toothpaste that I’ll be using alongside my regular. I figure I’ll brush my teeth with the regular in the morning (because I don’t want it to go to waste) and rinse with my Scope mouthwash. Then in the afternoon I will rinse again. Then at night I will brush with my Crest 3D White and then floss and rinse again. I looked into getting the whitening strips and the kit they had at the store was like $50. I was just like… no. lol We’ll see how my routine goes and if I see any progress. I’ve flossed maybe two times in the last year, so doing it every day will be a chore for me. I want whiter and cleaner teeth, though, so I’m just going to have to buckle down.

I guess I’ll do some replies now and then post some thinspo. I’ve been finding really awesome pics lately.

@Sophie – Thanks! I try :) I’m really excited to get to my rewards. It’s definitely motivation.

@FatBitch – Aww… Thanks. I actually didn’t know I’d be okay working, but I hoped I would be. That one day was freaking terrible, though. I hope I don’t have any more days like that. I’m glad we’re blogger friends too. ^^

@Annie – Meeeee toooo lol I hate feeling crappy. Thanks hun.

@Bonjour Bones! – Thank you. I hope your fast goes well if you end up doing it. :) If you do I will definitely follow it and support you 100%.

@Mia – I tried looking up those pills and I couldn’t find anything about on them online. Oh well. I don’t seem to need any help right now so I should be good. I was mainly just curious. lol I have heard the noodles work miracles. I’m very excited to try them after my fast. Thanks for commenting!

@Sammy – *grins* Thank you, thank you. You always flatter me so. I don’t deserve it. lol Pizza is definitely evil. Rawr. That’s the problem most people have whilst eating pizza. Once you start you just don’t want to stop. I see people come into the lunch buffet and eat plates and plates of pizza and then some breadsticks, and then some cinnamon sticks, and then some pasta on top of that, all while guzzling down cup after cup of soda… and it’s no wonder they weigh like 300+ pounds. LMAO! Your comment about being nonexistent made me laugh. Yeah, I know I have a baby face. I’m sure I will be very grateful when I’m forty. Haha. As always, it was nice to hear from you. (^.^) Thankies!

@Christina – I know, right?!? You’d think they’d have their shit together a little bit better, but nope. I have to jump through all kinds of hoops just to get shit done, which isn’t even my job to do! The financial aid department was supposed to take care of all of this. *grumbles* I guess I’m going to go back over there tomorrow and get it all sorted. I don’t feel like leaving my apartment today. I have no idea where the energy came from either. At one point when I was walking I felt like dying, because my insides were hurting so badly, but then the pain disappeared and I made it where I was going. Whew! I was planning on taking pics today, but I didn’t reach the weight I wanted so I guess that’s waiting until tomorrow.

@[ChildofApathy] – It was definitely awful, but it’s done for now and I’m feeling much better, other than my persistently runny nose. I just don’t know what to do about it. Yeah, I can tell my face is slowly slimming down. A coworker of mine mentioned it the other day and I was like: Wow. Is it that obvious? lol

@Clear Girl – Thank you and thank you. :D I do so love compliments. lol

I’ve decided I will do thinspo themes. Today’s theme is short shorts, because I love them and can’t wait until I can wear them without shame.















UPDATE:

I got all my cleaning done. Woo hoo! I did my laundry, changed my sheets, vacuumed my room, swept my bathroom floor, shook out the bathroom rugs outside, dusted, scrubbed the toilet, scrubbed the bathtub, scrubbed the sink and counter top, cleaned the mirrors, and cleaned the drains with Drain-o. I feel so accomplished. :) Now I'm going to watch Stuart Little 2 and relax for a bit. Ciao bellas!

Day 8 of 28 (Vlog 2)

The scale said 161.6 this morning. *does a happy dance* Only 1.6lbs to go until progress pics! :D The gross diarrhea seems to have stopped today. I hope it doesn’t come back because I just don’t need to deal with that while I’m out and about, trying to get stuff done. I just have SO much to do today! *dies* I took some cold medicine last night before bed because my nose has been running like a leaky faucet for the last two and a half days, but it only does it when I’m standing or sitting up, and it’s not stuffed. I can breathe just fine. Bizarre, right? O.o The meds don’t seem to have done any good and I don’t have any other cold symptoms, so I guess I don’t have a cold… This is just weird. I guess I better run along now and get started on my to-do list. *le sigh* I will update later lovelies.

Update:

I did another vlog for you guys :) I have to apologize ahead of time because I do NOT look fabulous. lol My voice is cracking and I still have a bit of a runny nose, which I hate, hate, hate. At least there was no vomiting or diarrhea today. That was a plus. Anyway, here is my video. Please don't judge me for looking like crapola.



@missinsanity. - lol! Well you might not puke, you never know... I hope you don't anyway. It was gross. I feel a lot better today than yesterday. It's cool that you started ahead of time ^^ I hope it goes really well for you.

@Sammy - hahaha - that foul beast. *shakes head* Silly thing. It is sometimes hard for me to resist the pizza, I will admit, because I used to love it soooo much. Now I just have to breathe deep and remind myself that what I want in the long run is more important that a slice of pizza now. I can have a slice when I'm thinner and then I can go work it off at the gym. lol I wish I didn't have to do anything for the next few weeks and I could just lounge around and watch TV. *sigh* At least I'm off of work for two more days. Woo!

@Christina - hehe ^^ I know... I get bored and antsy so easily when I'm at home and not working, and my blog is kind of like my personal playground. I feel like I can say pretty much whatever I want and it's a safe environment. I don't feel like I will be judged as harshly as I would in RL.

@STFUsarah - Aw! I didn't even know you were reading my blog regularly. ^^ Of course I don't mind. Thankies!

Early Morning Post (Replies!)

Hello to all my lovelies ^^

So, the hunger pains have attacked. The gnawing in my stomach is persevering, despite my best efforts to ignore it, but I will not break my fast on its whims. I am stronger than that. I hope today is finding you all quite well and successful in your endeavors. I figured it’s about time I got around to the replies I’ve been dallying on, so here goes. Also, if you commented on more than one post you may want to scroll through the list, because I’m replying individually to each comment on each post that I’m behind on.

@Hope to be thin (on Day 6 of 28) – I would never suggest a severely restrictive diet to anyone else either. I know a lot about health stuff, I just don’t always choose to implement it for myself. I guess I’m more cautious with other people because I don’t know their limits or self control. I know my limits and how to read my body, so I know when to stop if I’m going too far with something. Plus, I would never want to push an ED on anyone else, especially my friends. I don’t want them looking at their bodies like I look at mine.

@Nasimiyu (on Video Post) – Thanks! And wow… Yeah I don’t understand how people can let themselves get to 300+ pounds and still not do anything about it. His eating habits definitely explain why he is that way, though. Go figure.

@Sammy (on Video Post) – I used to be addicted to caffeine. Coca Cola was my drink of choice, but I had to give it up. It made me fat and gave me TONS of cavities. My old dentist got really mad at me because I came in one year with eight new ones! He told me I had to seriously cut back on the soda because I have soft teeth. Coffee definitely makes you lose weight fast because it’s a natural diuretic, but most of it is water weight unfortunately. I guess losing water weight is better than losing no weight at all. lol Water is good for you, though. It’s your friend. You should learn to love it. I promise it won’t hurt you ;P Awwww *blushes* Thankies, that’s sweet. And I’m gay, by the way, so I won’t shun you for liking girls. Haha. That would make me some crazy kind of hypocrite.

@missinsanity. (on Video Post) – I guess I will have to give you guys another video post sometime then. :D I’m sure you will be strong as long as you avoid that double-crossing diet-sabotage friend of yours. Me no likey. Thanks! Gosh I love all the compliments. You guys sure are feeding my ego here. Hahaha. Ohhh... do they really work for whitening teeth, though? There are so many gimmicks out there for teeth whitening. It’s something I will definitely have to look into. I remember seeing the commercials years ago on TV, when they first came out. The only problem I’m thinking I will encounter is that I have a lip piercing, and I don’t know if that would get in the way or not… but I can’t take it out for two hours or it’ll close up. :/

@FatBitch (on Video Post) – I checked out the link and it was an interesting listen, though his voice kind of gets on my nerves. He speaks slowly and quietly, and kind of strangely. Still interesting. I’m doing a different kind of fast than him, though. I’m not using enemas or drinking veggie broth or anything – strictly water. Also, I think it’s INSANE that he paid like $300 for that shit! What?!? Nooooo thank you. lol Mostly I’ve just been sleepy and low on energy thus far… probably because I’m still in the detox phase. My body seems to be taking longer to get through it. Maybe I have a lot of toxins built up that need to come out? *shruggle*

@Christina (on Video Post) – I know! I’m so excited about how much I’m losing. I did some figuring today to find out how much I’ve lost so far on my fast. I was 172 the day before I started the fast and I was 162 yesterday morning. So that means I’ve lost 10lbs in 7 days!!! I really hope I can keep this up, but I know that’s an unrealistic hope. At some point during the fast my body is bound to slow down its consumption of fat a little bit and then my losses will be slower. I can always dream, though…
I’m glad you liked my first video post. I was nervous to see the reaction, but so far it’s been very positive. Thank you for the compliments. ^^ I just hope I can get my teeth to that pretty pearly white shade. It’s going to take some work, more than just brushing. I’m probably going to go to the dentist soon to get them cleaned and see what kind of whitening treatments they have available. If it’s too expensive I’ll have to try some store-bought stuff. I hear some of it really works.

@Hope to be thin (on Video Post) – I was always real, silly! lol But I know what you mean. :) I wish more people on here did video posts. It would definitely make everything come alive.

@A Girl with Tiny Intentions (on Video Post) – Yup. I’m 100% real. I am officially not some psycho robot. lol I hope they use my advice too. Today at work I checked up with them and they both said they ate a healthier breakfast than usual using the tips I gave them. I’m so proud! *beams* I hope they see some real progress.

@A Girl with Tiny Intentions (on Day 7 of 28) – Definitely messy, but I’d rather it be out than in. I had more of it to deal with when I got home and it was NOT pretty. I wonder how long it’s going to take before it’s all gone. :/ Yes, I agree. I appreciate compliments from people but when they start to nag and whisper their opinions it gets annoying and old, really fast.

@Sammy (on Day 7 of 28) – Aw, I appreciate your concern sweets. Don’t think I wasn’t tempted. At one point I was cutting the pizzas coming out of the oven and they just smelled heavenly. I had to take a step back and collect myself. Stuart Little is awesome! Such a cute little mouse ^^ I want one. lol Not for real, though, because real mice are not that cute and clean, and they definitely don’t talk. haha *hugs back* I hope today goes better as well. It’s looking like it’s going to be a very busy day…

@FatBitch (on Day 7 of 28) – I think what happened yesterday qualifies as the grossest thing I’ve ever done. I seriously had no control over my bodily functions and that freaks me out. Ick. You are most certainly welcome. I am more than willing to pass on what I’ve learned to anyone who’s interested in hearing it. I weighed 225lbs in high school and I’ve had my ups and downs since then, but it’s taught me a lot about what works and what doesn’t. The body is a strange, strange machine and so picky about what we do with it.

Day 7 of 28 (F*** my life!)

Warning: This post is going to contain a lot of profanity and TMI. If you have sensitive eyes you probably shouldn't read it, m'kay kiddies?

Today was a fucking shit sandwich, the runny, disgusting cowpie kind with giant steaming horse shit balls on top. It sucked. I woke up feeling crappy with no energy, so I left the house early to go to Walmart, where I picked up a few bottles of Vitamin Water Zero and Sobe Lifewater Zero because they have electrolytes. I checked the labels to make sure they didn't use aspartame and it turns out they both use all natural sweeteners and fruits. Yay! I'm officially part of the anti-aspartame revolution, which means no diet anything. That includes light nonfat yogurts, because they also use aspartame, which our bodies physically can't break down. I just don't think it's beneficial to load my body up with extra chemicals when it can't even process them, ya know?

Anyway, I took one of the Sobes out and opened it, planning to drink it slowly over the course of a few hours, but as soon as I tasted that natural fruit taste on my tongue, after only having plain water for a week, I lost it. That bitch was gone in under a minute - all 20 fl oz. I got a bit of a tummy ache after that, from drinking too much, too fast. Then I went into work, still feeling like a leech had drained all of the life force out of me, and it only spiraled downward from there. I'm quite fortunate that my day shift coworkers are very understanding and that two of them (one of them being the morning manager) know about my water fast and are supporting me. Instead of asking me to do anything strenuous in the store or go outside in the heat, I was allowed to just grab a chair from the dining room and sit in the delivery station hallway thingy.

I folded lots of boxes and answered the phones, all while sitting down. Woo! But I still didn't feel any better. In fact, every time I stood up or had to take a delivery I felt like I was going to pass out, puke, or both. By the afternoon it got so bad we actually stopped taking deliveries. They covered for me and started telling people we didn't have a driver in - awww! I love my day shift friends. Well, to move the story along, it turns out that my body has FINALLY decided to carry on with the full detox cycle. What happened to me today usually happens during the first few days, not on the seventh. It started in the morning when I suddenly felt the need to use the restroom, and I ended up ejecting this disgusting slime. Yeah... it was barf-worthy.

That happened another few times into the afternoon. Then, about an hour or so before I was supposed to go home, I used the restroom and when I was going to wash my hands I puked up watered down stomach bile into the sink. While puking uncontrollably, I felt like I was about to shit my pants with that slime stuff again, so I ran back to the stall and sat down stat. I ended up simultaneously shitting and puking, and since my ass was on the toilet seat, guess where the vomit went? All over the wall, the toilet paper dispenser, and the floor. It also got on my pants. Man, that was SO much fun to clean up! Not. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was so disgusted and exhausted that I went straight to bed and curled up into a little ball.

A little while later I heard my dad come home with groceries (I could tell because I could hear the rustling of plastic bags and the opening of cabinets in the kitchen). No doubt he's going to try and shove some of that food down my throat... meh. Shortly after that it began to rain. Not a little rain, but basically the Atlantic decided to fall out of the sky, and there's thunder too. I really don't like storms, and I'm one of those people that has irrational fears. When it's raining really bad like this I get really paranoid that the ground is going to turn to slush and that the buildings are going to sink down into it and the roads are going to crack open and the cars will fall in.

Like right now I'm going fucking ape shit worrying about whether my apartment building is going to sink into the ground, and whether or not the wood is going to get so wet that it splits and the walls collapse and I die. When driving in the rain the whole roads-opening-up thing hits me pretty hard, too. I get super jumpy and nervous. *sigh* I have so much to do tomorrow. I have to pay my car payment, go to CSU to pick up my parking pass and buy my textbooks, and then I have to pick up my best friend so we can both get our paychecks from Pizza Hut. Then we'll have to cash/deposit them and I told her I'd take her to the store since she needs some things and she doesn't have a car.

After that we're supposed to go to her sister's house and watch some movies, but I don't know how long I'm going to stay over there. For one, that already sounds like a really long day to me and if tomorrow is anything like today was... oh buddy. Two, her house is in the poorer side of town and there are lots of bugs - I HATE bugs. They freak me the fuck out. But they're my friends and that's all they can afford, and I don't want to be rude, so I will have to spend some time with them. It's hard for them to pick up and come over to my place because they'd have to bring all three babies with them. I think that's about all I have to talk about at the moment... *taps chin* Hmmm... what else?

I was 162 this morning and my size 12 pants are getting too big on me. I just bought them like two weeks ago, so that's pretty cool, although kind of a waste of money. :/ One benefit of going to Britt's tomorrow is that I can try on her size 10 pants. We wear the same brand of work pants so it'll be interesting to see if I can go down a size yet. Normally I wear really baggy clothes to work because our GM (General Manager) like refuses to give me smaller clothes, but today I wore a medium shirt with my loose 12 pants (cuz she doesn't come in on Mondays until after I leave ;P) and I got a hell of a reaction. A small note for my foreign viewers: UK sizes are 2 ahead of US and AU sizes are 4 ahead of US. So a US 10 is a UK 12 and an AU 14.

Nicky (one of our waitress - middle-aged African American woman) took one look at me and said, "You don't need to lose any more weight, baby doll. You're good just like that." Inwardly I scoffed and said, "Bullshit!" but outwardly I kept a neutral face. I weigh 162 pounds! I'm still overweight by 3lbs for my height. Ugh. She has a bigger fat roll than me, though, so I guess to her I'm thin. The other day one of the drivers, Mark, looked at me and asked, "Why are you losing weight again?" I was sort of taken aback by this and said, "Because I want to..."

Then we got into this whole big conversation about how most people find it hard to lose weight and how he doesn't think I'm fat and how he hopes I haven't stopped eating. That was sort of an uncomfortable conversation for me. I've had coworkers throw around suggestions like that around me and behind my back. Stuff like: she must not be eating, or, she's developing an eating disorder worrying about food like that. I guess I really need to work on hiding my eating habits - or lack thereof - a bit better. I so don't need that shit on top of everything else right now.

Okay, so that's it now, I promise. Sorry for the long post and ranting, lovelies. I hope you are all fabulous and reaching your goals! *blows kisses* Replies will come in my next post. I'm going to go watch Stuart Little now ^^ I got it in the mail today from Netflix. Ciao!

- Crash