My life as of late. Content warning.

Life has been shit for me lately. You can party it up until you pass out, but when you wake up in the morning you’re just the same person as the day before. Since I last updated I’ve been on an insane roller coaster, literally and figuratively. I’ve dropped all my college classes, all but quit my job (I’m hardly there anymore), wasted most of my student loan money on drugs, done hard drugs that I won’t touch again (crack, heroin-based ecstasy, and meth-based ecstasy), begged my drug dealers to find me meth and heroin, drank until I puked in the middle of sex, slept with three men even though I don’t like men (I like the attention, even if it’s only momentary), dated a married couple as the third wheel (fucking miserable experience), and my grandmother died. My depression and anxiety have started acting up again so that I feel like a yo-yo all day long. One minute I’m relaxed and the next I could kill someone. Damn near punched a bloody hole in the wall I got so wound up. Went to my doc and got some antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills, which aren’t doing shit at the moment. I feel even worse than I did before. I’ve become a moody, psychotic bitch and I’m considering going to AA next month to try and stop using cocaine and slow down on the alcohol. I generally have a drink as soon as I wake up in the morning, and if I don’t get a dose of coke on a daily basis I get extremely irritable. I’ve also started cutting again, but more than just a few shallow lines on my hip. This time it’s my wrist and I’ve marked it up so bad the whole thing’s red. I filled half a shot glass with my own blood and chucked it straight down my throat, which has me convinced I’ve definitely gone round the bend a bit. I asked my doctor to get me a referral to a therapist because I know I need help, but I’m also scared. If I tell them about the drugs they’ll send me to rehab, which I can’t afford and insurance won't cover. If I tell them about my anorexia (I’ve stopped puking up completely) they’ll lock me in the Bradley Center (local mental institution). So when it comes down to it I’m really scared to go, even though I know I need to talk to someone and get my shit sorted. I feel like I’ve thrown my life down the toilet. I’m a miserable mess most of the time, but the one bright spot on my day was that my weight was down two pounds this morning from yesterday. I’ve barely eaten a thing in three days. I know that’s not a good thing, but the devil on my shoulder is cheering me on and telling me well done. I just want that passion for life that I used to have back, and I want an actual involved relationship with a woman that I care about. I have one in mind but she lives on the other side of the world. I don’t know if she’d even have me back now, but I think about her all the time. I’d love any kind of advice from anyone who has similar problems or past experiences, but no negative comments please. I already feel like shit without criticism from others. I've also updated my stats, goals, rewards, and measurements if you're curious. I did gain quite a bit recently but I'm back to losing now.