Insanity: Table for One

Down, down, down I seem to fall, deeper into this pit of destruction I've been digging for myself. I can't pinpoint when exactly it started or if there's even a particular trigger that started it, but I haven't been this in touch with my inner demons since I was in middle school. That vile monster that's been sleeping inside me is growling and sniffing at the air, cracking an eye open and trying to take over. I've found myself completely wrapped up lately in not caring about life or what I'm doing with it. I carry out the motions out of habit, a routine I've taught myself to follow, but the part of my conscious that's really involved in living has been muted lately, put on the back burner to replaced by numbness. I've been drinking too much, smoking too much grass, therefore eating way too much, then chain smoking to stop myself from stuffing my face some more. I've also gotten back into using something else, a lovely powder that takes away my appetite. I don't know when I woke up and decided to be nothing again, and the disturbing part is that I'm only mildly concerned with this realization. I've been flirting with men again since my relationship failed, just for the hell of it. I really don't like men and I don't find them at all appealing, but I like the attention. It's hard to find female attention around here and my battered ego seeks out the first bit of gratification it can: men that stare at me longingly and try and convince me I'm interested, even though it never goes anywhere because I'm not. I love the attention, and I hate that I love it. I hate that I don't care about the things I should right now, but I love the freedom that lies in the absence of mind. When all is said and done, maybe I will come back from the brink, just as I did so many years ago, and maybe I will still remember who I am. Maybe I will remember that I'm more than a disordered, alcoholic, drug addict trapped in limbo; an endless inner battle. I will be more than this shell of a person someday. I will be stable and happy, and I will find a woman to love me and hold me and not judge me, and I will love who I am and where I'm at in my life. But that day is not today.