Two-Day Update & Thinspo

This is going to be sort of a long post because I’m covering two days’ worth of information here, but I hope that you will read and comment anyway. I’ve noticed lately that a lot of my old followers have stopped. I miss you guys. :/ I hope I’m not just horribly boring to you all. I've updated my layout, about me, and side columns on here. Woo!

So… yesterday at work I almost got creamed by this big ass truck. I drive a tiny car and it decided it wanted to change lanes, on top of me. I guess the fucker didn’t look out of his window or something. I had to swerve really suddenly to avoid being hit, and in doing so I almost lost control of my car. It went over two lanes and I could feel the wheels slipping. It was really scary. Luckily I got it under control and there was no one on the other side of me. That could have been a really bad accident. Ignorant asshole truck drivers. >.<

Work was boring in the morning. We were pretty slow, which is good because we’re still short on staff at the moment. Our GM really needs to hire some more people. Then in the afternoon the bitch boss came in and we got slammed, so that was doubly frustrating. She yelled at me for eating a salad when I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. She stuffs her face all the time at work, so she has no room to talk. Whatever. On the advice of my lovely girlfriend, I’m just going to start eating snacks in my car between deliveries, and they never have to know a thing. lol Speaking of my lovely, I want to brag for a minute here. You’ve all seen my face, so here is what she looks like (isn’t she just amazing?):




And this is what I had to eat yesterday…

Breakfast:
1 cup Fiber One cereal (120)
½ cup GV fat free milk (40)

Lunch:
1 cup iceberg lettuce (8)
½ tbsp Caesar salad dressing (40)
5 croutons (6)
1 cherry tomato (3)

Dinner:
2 slices Sara Lee 100% whole wheat bread (150)
1 slice GV colby & monterey jack cheese (70)
2 slices Land O’ Frost hickory smoked turkey breast (32)
1 tsp Blue Plate light mayonnaise (17)
1 tsp Grey Poupon dijon mustard (5)
1 oz avocado (45)
2 quarter-inch slices of tomato (7)

Snacks/Other:
1 Pizza Hut breaded bone-out chicken wing naked (75)
12 fl oz Pepsi (150) – I totally indulged myself on this today. Guilty as charged.
2 lemon wedges aka ¼ of a lemon (4)
2 tsp Benefiber powder (15)
1 Quaker white cheddar rice cake (45)

That puts yesterday at 832 calories/42% RDI. I really wanted more salad but that bitch Sheree yelled at me and I couldn’t finish eating. Rawr. Something I’ve started doing, besides drinking a ton of herbal tea and occasionally drinking apple cider vinegar, is that I’ll boil a little bit of water, put a ¼ of a lemon at the bottom of a mug and use a spoon to hold it at the bottom, and then I’ll pour the water over it. I’ll let it sit there for at least five minutes (usually longer because I get distracted) and then I’ll remove the lemon. It’s supposed to aid with digestion, so I’ve been drinking a mug of lemon water every evening before dinner.

I started taking my new vitamins yesterday morning. I’m now taking birth control, omega-3 fish oil, calcium + vitamin d, potassium, biotin, iron, b100, and a multivitamin. I don’t take them all at once because that would make me puke, but I space them out over three times during the day. Last night I took a laxative before bed so hopefully I will get my system all cleaned out and I’ll be able to get a more accurate weight count. I know it can’t be right with all this food sitting in me for days. The weight has to add up.

I’ve just ordered a couple of cool things from Amazon. I ordered season five of Bones on DVD (I already have the first four), I ordered a bottle of kelp pills (because it’s cheaper online to buy the EXACT same bottle as I could get in the store), and I also ordered the book Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. I hear it’s a really good read. I own Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson and I absolutely love it. It’s so raw and I feel like I can just understand her. If you have read either of these, please let me know what you think of them.

I weighed in this morning and guess what? 172! Oh yeah… it was right there on the scale. I feel so proud of myself right now. :D I decided to take some measurements to see where I am, and I’ve posted the results under my stats table to the right. I think I will start measuring every Sunday. Today is my day off from work so I am going to focus on relaxing and indulging myself a little in the things I want to eat. I will stay within my calorie range for the day, but this just means if I want a fudgsicle instead of a vegetable I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I figure I need to have one day a week where I can eat what I want, or I’m going to go crazy and lose my willpower. We all need to reward and indulge ourselves once in a while.

This is what I’ve had to eat today:

Breakfast:
½ package regular watermelon jello (160) – I figured I would use up all the regular I have before I start using the sugar free that I just bought.

Lunch:
¼ package regular watermelon jello (80)

Dinner:
2 Quaker white cheddar rice cakes (90)
1 cup steamed cabbage (21)
2 oz steamed potato (53)

Snacks/Other:
1 Quaker white cheddar rice cake (45)
¼ package regular watermelon jello (80)
1 fudgsicle (40)

That puts me at 569 calories/28.5% RDI for the day. Woo hoo! If I end up pigging out and scrap my meal plan I will update later, but I doubt it. I have herbal tea to get me through. ^^

@ChildofApathy – Thanks for following! :) I love getting new followers. My bosses do not handle stress well at all. They freak out on the employees and make it hell. I’ve never heard of Bio-Oil before but I will definitely look into it. Thanks for the tip!

@Christina – I will be quitting my job next February once I hit the two year mark. It’s a personal goal for me and it looks really good on your credit rating if you’ve held a job for at least two years. Anything under that they don’t really pay attention to. I’m aiming to have the highest possible credit rating by the time I’m 25. Sooo jealous you were born in Scotland. Ugh. I want to go there so badly. I want to visit Ireland as well. I’ve heard both places are absolutely beautiful. You are most welcome for the mention. You are a wonderful commenter and I appreciate having you around.

Now for thinspo…

TGIF

Today was hell at work. Omg I wanted to die. The phones would NOT stop ringing!!! Also we've been shorthanded for the last week because our day shift waitress got hurt by falling out of a car (she's an old lady). Things have just been hectic and it didn't help that we got slammed. Apparently my general manager, being the absolutely brilliant woman she is, thought it made sense to schedule me off at 4 pm without scheduling a 4 o'clock driver to come in. O.o I'm still trying to work out her logic on that one. Then when one of our unscheduled drivers called up to see what time to come in, I suggested 4 and she said no, come in at 6. I was like wtf?!?

By 5:30 we had three of our night shift drivers in and she still wouldn't let me leave until all the boxes were folded and all the trash was taken out, like there weren't three other drivers there that could do it... Then I had to pick up my best friend and give her a ride to work because she doesn't have a car. So I had to see Pizza Hut yet again before I got to go home and have my dinner, which I had intended to eat around 5 pm. But noooo... stupid Pizza Hut. The good news is, I did some calculations and I figured out that I burn more than 3,000 calories a day without exercising, just from doing my job. It's fairly active. I do a lot of walking, lifting, carrying, etc. I work six days a week so that's pretty good calorie burning with no exercise added.

I assure you I have lost weight recently, even though I haven't been posting my weight plainly. I am about 173 at the moment, though I suspect it may be 172 because I haven't taken a proper dump in a few days. I'm going to take a laxative tomorrow afternoon to remedy that and get a more accurate weight. Unfortunately I still have doubts that it will be accurate because I am bloated already from my period's early onset. Why couldn't it have just waited to strike until Sunday, like it was supposed to?

I went grocery shopping after I had my dinner (shopping on an empty stomach is a terrible no-no), and I got lots of new healthy stuff. I'm excited to try some of it in the following days. To name a few things (most of which were inspired by the blog Bone Thin - this girl has some really good tips): light vanilla soymilk, skim milk, Greek yogurt, sugar free jello, Cheerios, and tons of good vitamins and stuff. Anyway, this is what I had today...

Breakfast:
20 fl oz plain black coffee (6)
30 red seedless grapes (101)
10 sweet cherries (52)
1 GV light nonfat yogurt in orange creme (80)

Lunch:
1 cup of iceberg lettuce (8) - I would have preferred romaine, but we were out.
2 cherry tomatoes (6)
10 croutons (12)
1 tbsp Caesar salad dressing (80)

Dinner:
2 slices Sara Lee classic 100% whole wheat bread (150)
1 oz avocado (45)
1 tsp Grey Poupon dijon mustard (5)
1 tsp Blue Plate light mayonnaise (17)
1 oz GV colby & monterey jack cheese cut from the block (110)
2 slices of tomato (7)
2 slices of Land O' Frost hickory smoked turkey breast (32)

Snacks/Other:
2 cups homemade vegetable soup (64)
1/2 cup low fat (1%) cottage cheese (80)
30 red seedless grapes (101)
6 sweet cherries (31)
9 Quaker mini cheddar cheese rice cakes (70)
1/2 cup nonfat/skim milk (40)
1/2 cup light vanilla soymilk (40)
2 lemon wedges (4)

That puts me at 1,141 calories/57% RDI. I figured it would be okay to eat a bit more because I've apparently been burning a lot more calories than I thought. I get most of my calorie amounts from calorieking.com by the way, if anyone was wondering about that.

On a different note, these are some of my absolute favorite girls on here, because each of them has supported me at one point or another in one way or another, and I appreciate all of them. I'll do this alphabetically. Butterfly Unfolding, Feels So Much Like Falling, Five Faint Footsteps, mirror, mirror, all around, Princess Perfection, Simply, The Fatass Princess, The Journey to 126, Tiny Intentions, Waste Away, and xxWishesxx. I'm really, REALLY sorry if I forgot anyone who's commented me recently! I tried to include everyone.

Now I will individually reply to some comments from my last two posts, since I've been slacking on that lately. Here goes...

@Kate - Thank you for being one of my regular commenters! I love to know that people actually read what I write and that it's not just floating around. lol I'm glad you enjoyed reading the recipes. I hope you'll try at least one of them sometime so I can get a second opinion on them. I love them but I could just be strange. I looked for chobani yogurt and Walmart and couldn't find any, so I got Greek yogurt instead. Oh well. *shrugs* And yes, the gym machines are horrible liars! I was appalled by the difference in what it told me I was burning and how much all the online calculators told me.
@Jackie - Thank you also for being one of my regulars. ^^ I love hearing from you! I do try and find really healthy things because getting 50 calories from vegetables is way more beneficial than getting 50 calories from junk food. I have been losing weight more easily since I switched my diet over to mostly vegetables, fruit, tea, and water. I don't know how much exercising I'll be doing in the near future, because I am LAZY. I love the feeling I get afterward but it's so hard to make myself go in the first place... sad.
@Tiny Intentions - I promise you the sandwich is amazing. You definitely need to try it. :) I feel so much better about myself since I started eating healthier, and surprisingly I'm losing more weight by eating more calories than I was when I was restricting to below 500 a day. I think it has something to do with my body not freaking out so much and storing fat in starvation mode.
@Christina - Let me know if you like the soup or not. It's kind of a pain to make because it takes foreverrr to cut up all the veggies into small pieces and weigh them, but if you make as much of it as I did then you should have plenty to last you for days. I've been eating mine once a day for about a week now, and I still have some left in the fridge. The sandwich is really awesome, too, but it takes longer to make than a usual sandwich. I've learned you have to develop a certain amount of patience when trying to eat healthy. I used to eat a bunch of processed, frozen foods and I got lazy with my food, so cooking can be frustrating for me, but I think it will pay off in the end.
@Nasimiyu - I absolutely hate my stretchmarks. I feel like they're everywhere. :/ I have them on my upper arms, my boobs, my stomach, my sides, and my inner thighs. I hope once I lose all my weight they will be less noticeable. I'm definitely going to try a regular routine with cocoa butter lotion to see if I can make them fade a little.

I exercised *gasp* Can you believe it?

I usually have a huge aversion to exercise, mainly because I've forgotten how much I used to love doing it, but tonight I couldn't get to sleep so I put on my workout clothes and walked to the gym in my apartment complex. I told myself I would do no more than 1 mile on the treadmill, so when I hit a mile I stopped, though I felt like I wanted to keep going. Most of my battle with exercise is getting to the gym. Once I'm in the middle of it, the endorphins kick in and I don't want to stop. Anyway, I did a mile in just under 21 minutes (I was walking at about 3.0 on the treadmill, 0 incline). I don't think I've worked out in months until tonight. It was nice to feel the sweat again and that floaty feeling I get when I step off the tread and resume walking at a normal pace.

The treadmill said I burned something like 147 calories (I forgot to look at the final right before I turned it off, but I know that's close), but I think that's bull. I went to three different online walking calculators and put in my weight and the distance and the time and they all said different things. One said 88 calories, another said 92, and another said 91. I don't know what to believe, but we'll call it 92 for now. *shruggle* I ended up having my fruit snack like I said I might earlier. I had 30 red seedless grapes (101) and 8 sweet cherries (41) = 142 calories

Earlier intake (958) + new intake (142) - exercise (92) = 1,008

I've read a lot of things about eating fruit or yogurt before and after working out being really beneficial rather than detrimental. Apparently your metabolism speeds up quite a bit immediately after you work out, so having a light snack doesn't hurt at all. Though I wouldn't say to go eat a Snickers after you work out, because that just seems counterproductive...

If you haven't read my previous post, you definitely should. It's way more interesting than this one and I posted two healthy recipes in it that you can use if you'd like. I used to be the biggest junk food eater on the planet and it made me fatfatfat really, really fast. I have tons of stretch marks from getting too big too fast. But I've switched my diet over to exclude things like candy and soda all together, unless it is a rare treat or special occasion. At first I wasn't sure I could adjust to eating healthy food, but I've actually come to enjoy it a lot. My body feels better, less greasy and bloated, my acne has improved tremendously (I used to have it really bad, and soda is a huge culprit), and I'm losing weight without struggling at the moment.

I would recommend to everyone to eat as healthily as you possibly can, because it will pay off in the end. It's okay to reward yourself once in a while on a job well done, just don't make it a daily habit or you will regret it.

In other news, I can feel my period coming on. Oh joy... I already feel the cramping and bloating starting. I'm not supposed to start until Sunday damn it. This means I'm not going to be able to weigh myself for over a week, until I get rid of all the water weight. I tend to bloat really badly at this time of the month, regardless of what I do. I could weigh during but the evil numbers on the scale would only piss me off and make me want to throw it at the wall. Meh!

I will reply individually to all comments later on. I'm starting to feel quite tired now... Night all. xoxo

How very strange...

I keep ending up under my self-designated intake. Today I was aiming for 1,200 calories to give my body a bit of a break from the >1,000 a day I've been doing, and I STILL didn't make it! Wtf? lol I mean I guess this says something good about my willpower. When I got home today I realized I wasn't even close to 1,000 calories, so I ditched what I was originally going to have for dinner for something with more calories. I decided to make a sandwich, but the sandwich I was going to make STILL didn't have enough calories, so I had to add a bunch of stuff to it, which I'm glad I did because it was soooo yummy. But anyway, after all of that, I still don't have 1,000, so in a while I might snack on some fruit to try and bring it up to 1,200. Either that or I'll just leave it where it is. Idk yet. But this is what I had:

Breakfast:
2 cups homemade vegetable soup (64)
3 6oz cups of plain black coffee (5)
1 GV light nonfat yogurt in orange creme (80)
*GV = Great Value, which is the Walmart generic brand

Lunch:
1 Wendy's homestyle chicken go wrap with no ranch sauce (280)
1 packet of Wendy's sour cream (40)

Dinner:
2 slices Sara Lee classic 100% whole wheat bread (150)
1 oz mushed up avocado (45)
1 tsp Blue Plate light mayonnaise (17)
1 tsp Grey Poupon dijon mustard (5)
2 slices of tomato (7)
1 oz GV colby & monterey jack cheese cut from the block (110)
2 slices Land O' Frost hickory smoked turkey breast (32)

Snacks:
7 oz red apple (103)
3 cherry tomatoes (9)
5 croutons (6)
1 dill pickle spear (1)
2 lemon wedges (4)

That only puts me at 958 calories/48% RDI so far. I may or may not have some cherries and red seedless grapes later to bring the calorie count up. I haven't decided. If you're curious as to how I made my FABULOUS sandwich, scroll past my comment replies and read below.

@Christina - Thanks for following and commenting! :) It really is tasty. I've posted the recipe below for you, along with the approximate calorie counts.
@Kate - Yeah, it usually gives me this feeling of disbelief when I do it without trying. I used to overeat so badly, and now I'm undereating so easily. We are doing quite well now, thank you. :)
@Butterfly - It does seem to be quite common. I think eating disorders are not just because we want to lose weight, but also perhaps some kind of psychological coping mechanism for underlying problems. I'd like to think that mine is just because I want to lose weight, I really want to believe that, but I think the amount of control it gives me is a huge factor. When it seems like everything in life is spiraling out of control, I can at least dictate what and how much I eat. I wonder if this is true for everyone else on here, even if they don't want to admit it.
@Jackie - Thank you for your kind words. We are actually doing much better again, for which I'm very grateful. I don't like fighting with anyone, but especially not with her.
@Hope to be thin - Thank you :)

Awesome sandwich:
You'll need: a toaster oven, a toaster oven baking pan/sheet (preferably with a removable rack), a sharp knife (a butter knife won't work), a plate and/or cutting board, 2 slices of whole wheat bread, 1 oz avocado, 1 tsp light mayonnaise, 2 slices of tomato, 1 oz cheese (not shredded), 2 slices of turkey breast, and 1 tsp dijon mustard. If you want to know exactly what brand I used and the calorie content, see what I had for dinner above.
1. Toast the bread, set aside.
2. If your avocado isn't already soft enough to mush up, then wrap it in a wet paper towel, put it on a plate, and microwave for about 30-40 seconds, depending on how hard it is. You should be able to run a knife right through it and mash it easily after this, but be careful not to touch it with your fingers. It will be hot!
3. Take 1 tsp of light mayo and mix it in with the avocado mush. This makes a nice yummy, low calorie paste to put on the bread. Spread it evenly on both halves.
4. Slice two medium slices (about 1/4 inch each) out of a good-sized tomato and lay one on each slice of bread on top of the avocado.
5. If you're using pre-sliced cheese you'll put this on top of the tomatoes. If you're using block cheese then cut it into thin squares (thin enough to melt fairly easily) and lay them on top of both tomatoes.
6. Fold your two slices of turkey breast in half and place both on top of one slice of bread, so that the folded insides are touching in the middle. I suppose you could just lay the meat down flat, but I prefer it this way.
7. Put your bread facing up on a toaster oven tray (preferably on top of a rack that fits inside the tray, if you have one) and pop into the toaster oven with the setting on broil. You'll want to turn the toaster oven on and let it heat the broil setting up for about five minutes before you do this.
8. Set a timer for about 9-10 minutes and keep checking it every few minutes, to make sure it doesn't burn or explode or anything. Once the cheese is melted and gooey on the half where you can still see it (hence why I put the meat just on the one half), remove the tray carefully with a pot holder or mitten (don't burn yourself, silly!). Make sure you remember to turn the oven off, too. :)
9. Take 1 tsp dijon mustard and spread it evenly across the meat.
10. Put your two sandwich halves together and cut them if you like. Enjoy!
If anyone actually tries this let me know. I would be fascinated to see whether or not you liked it as much as I did.

Homemade vegetable soup:
*I have altered some of the amounts marginally from what I used, for improvement's sake. This should be even better than what I made. Note: If you severely dislike or are allergic to any of the following vegetables, just substitute that amount with extra of another vegetable.
You'll need: a cooking scale to measure the vegetables, a large pot with a lid, a spatula, a sharp knife (a butter knife won't do the trick), a cutting board, 6 oz broccoli (58), 3 oz brussels sprouts (37), 6 oz yellow squash (27), 3 oz vidalia onion (36), 5 oz orange bell pepper (35), 5 oz red bell pepper (35), 9 oz tomato (46), 6 oz eggplant (41), 3 Wyler's chicken broth cubes (15)
1. Chop all veggies up into small cubes/pieces and put in a large pot (and yes you will need a LARGE pot, unless you use smaller amounts than I listed above).
2. Add a little water to the bottom of the pot and turn the heat onto medium, just to start warming up the veggies while you make your broth water. It's important to put water in the bottom so you don't burn them before you add the broth.
3. Boil the amount of water you'll need to add according to the broth instructions (for instance, 1 cube usually goes into 8 oz of water). You'll need to end up with enough water to just cover the vegetables because we're going to slow cook them.
4. Dissolve your broth cubes in the boiling water then add (carefully) to the pot of vegetables. If you didn't make enough and the water doesn't cover them, just add some more water to the pot. (Don't panic if the eggplant floats at first. It will sink down later.) I didn't use very much broth at all actually. I mostly just used plain water and it turned out fine, but if you want more flavor use more broth.
5. Turn your heat to between medium and low. Put a lid on your pot and set a timer for an hour. You can wander off but you'll want to come back every so often to stir the veggies (so they cook evenly and don't burn) and check how soft they are. An hour worked fine for me, but it may take more or less depending on how mushy you want them. Note: if your water is boiling rapidly, the heat is too high. A gentle boil is okay, but a lot of foaming and rising means it's too hot.
6. When you have achieved the desired softness of veggies, remove from heat and let cool. DO NOT TRY AND TASTE IT YET! It will be scalding hot. I burned my tongue very badly by attempting this. Let it cool down for at least thirty minutes first and then you can put it in plastic storage containers with lids, which can then be stored in the fridge. When I made this I measured it at the end and it made about 10 cups of soup, give or take.
ENJOY! Let me know if you try this, because I'd love to know how it went for other people. I found it to be a lovely low-calorie option to keep me full.

More thinspo from my collection. Woo!


Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, Megan Fox

Tila Tequila, Keira Knightley, Tila Tequila

Mischa Barton

Ziyi Zhang

Wednesday

Nothing too exciting happened yesterday. Had a big fight with my girlfriend and that wasn't fun, but things seem to be okay again now. Food-wise I did well. I actually ended up eating less than I planned to, and not even on purpose. I had a whole list of things I was going to eat yesterday and I didn't make it through before I went to sleep. I'm kind of disappointed that only one person commented on my last entry (and thank you Kate for doing so). :/ Oh well. Better luck this time hopefully.

2 6oz cups of plain black coffee (4)
1 red delicious apple (110)
1/2 slice 12" thin crust pepperoni (100)
2 slices Sara Lee 100% whole wheat bread (150)
1 slice pepper jack cheese (70)
1 oz avocado (45)
2 slices of tomato (7)
10 croutons (12)
8 sliced jalapeno rings (2)
1 piece sugar free Stride gum (4)
Total: 504 calories/25% RDI

Vegetable soup, stuffed bell peppers, and thinspo (Updated!)

I went on a bit of a cooking craze yesterday. It was fun and I learned I'm pretty good at whipping something tasty together out of odd ingredients. I stayed up talking to my girlfriend all night (who helped me with the soup btw) and in the morning I started cooking some vegetable soup using the veggies I had in my fridge (broccoli, brussels sprouts, orange bell pepper, red bell pepper, vidalia onion, tomato, yellow squash, and eggplant). I thought it would taste bad because of the strange combination, but actually it's DELICIOUS. Nom nom. I didn't have enough broth cubes to make a proper soup, so it's mostly water and veggies, but I slow cooked it for an hour so the veggie tastes all combined in the water and it's nummy. If anyone wants the exact amounts I used let me know and I'll post my "recipe". I meticulously weighed all my veggies to find out the calorie content and it turns out the entire thing (which made about 10cups/80oz) only has 318. Impressive, yeah? That means 1 cup of soup only has about 32 calories in it, actually a bit less. That's really good when compared to store bought canned soups. Then when I got home last night I cored and halfed a green bell pepper and boiled it for 15 minutes. I mixed together half a cup of fried rice I got last weekend from eating Chinese and half a cup of shredded Mexican cheese, and then I laid the two pepper halves on a foil-lined baking sheet and stuffed them full. I popped them in my toaster oven for 25 minutes at 350 degrees F. I probably should've put them on broil for about 5 minutes after that but I didn't. *shrugs* Oh well. They were yummy anyway.

Here's what I had yesterday:
1/2 cup low fat (1%) cottage cheese (80)
1 Great Value light nonfat yogurt in banana cream pie (80)
1 cup homemade veggie soup (32)
1 cup romaine lettuce (8)
6 croutons (7)
3 cherry tomatoes (9)
1 tbsp Caesar salad dressing (78)
12 oz Pepsi (150) - fail
Lipton unsweetened iced tea (0)
1 green bell pepper (30)
1/2 cup fried rice (166)
1/2 cup Kraft shredded Mexican cheese (180)
1 pickle spear (1)
2 fudgsicles (80)
8 jalapeno pepper rings (2)
2 1/2 oz red seedless grapes (50)
4 sweet red cherries (17)
Total: 970 calories/48.5% RDI. That means I've now kept under my target of 1,200 for three days in a row. Yay! Let's hope I can keep going.

UPDATE:

Tonight when I got home from work I cooked again. I made another stuffed bell pepper, but I changed what I stuffed it with. This time I used fried rice, less Mexican cheese (so many calories before), and onions and squash, both of which I had leftovers in my fridge from making my veggie soup. This time instead of just boiling and baking my peppers, I boiled (15mins), baked at 350F (25mins), and broiled (5mins). They were soooo good. Then I cooked something for my dad to eat from more leftovers in the fridge. I threw some sticky white rice, broccoli, and the rest of the onions and squash into a pot and cooked them with margarine (but not too much). I tried a little spoonful and it was good, but I can't afford to eat a second helping of dinner today. The whole concoction was less than 500 calories (which is excellent for how much I made), but I'm almost at my self-imposed limit for today, so if I eat again it will be something quite small.

Here is what I've had today:
2 cups homemade veggie soup (64)
1 Great Value light nonfat yogurt in orange creamsicle (80)
1 Pizza Hut traditional chicken wing naked (no sauce) (40)
1 green bell pepper (30)
1/2 cup fried rice (166)
1/8 cup Kraft shredded Mexican cheese (45)
1/8 cup chopped vidalia onion (9)
1/4 cup chopped yellow squash (5)
1 cherry tomato (3)
1/4 cup sliced cucumber with peel (4)
2 pieces of vitamin gum (5)
1 slice of lemon (2)
15 croutons (17)
1 fudgsicle (40)
30 red seedless grapes (105)
12 sweet red cherries (62)
Total: 677 calories/34% RDI

@Sarah - I know, right?!? Mexican food is like my weakness. Chinese too. I have a hard time staying away from them.
@Kate - Thanks. You are totally gorgeous and way far ahead of me. lol I hope I make it to where you are. As for the recipe to the brownies, I am still perfecting it (there are some improvements I would like to make), but I will defo let you know when it's done. ^^
@Jackie - It's not as tough as that fast you did. :) The only problem I run into is cravings. Out of the blue, if I let my mind wander, I'll find myself thinking about a beefy melt burrito and drooling.
@Princess Perfection - I don't know how good I'm doing since I haven't dropped any weight, lol, but thank you all the same. :)

And here's some more thinspiration from my personal collection:


Sarah Michelle Gellar

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Emma Watson

Emma Watson

Emma Watson and Olivia Wilde

Two good days in a row. Woot!

Day before yesterday (since it's past midnight now) ended up being a total of 901 calories, which is awesome because that was in my goal range for the day. I'm aiming not to go over 1,200, since my goal weight is ultimately 120. More than 1,200 will be unacceptable. So this is what I had to eat Saturday:

1 cup romaine lettuce (8)
1 tbsp Caesar salad dressing (78)
9 Quaker mini cheddar cheese rice cakes (70)
1 Banquet Mexican style chicken enchilada meal (280)
1 fudgsicle (40)
1 Orville Redenbacher's pop up bowl of popcorn (425)

Yesterday ended up being 515 calories, and this is what I had:

1/2 cup low fat (1%) cottage cheese (80)
2 fudgsicles (80)
1 Mott's natural apple sauce cup (50)
1 Great Value light nonfat yogurt in banana cream pie (80)
9 Quaker mini cheddar cheese rice cakes (70)
1 can Campbell's original chicken noodle soup (150)
2 6oz cups plain black coffee (4)

Hoping for another excellent day today. :) Thank you all for following and commenting.

@Kes - Thank you for your lengthy comment and advice! I can't believe someone actually took the time to respond to that. lol :) I did not know that about the 3 days to starvation mode thing. Your comment was quite informative and I appreciate it.
@Butterfly - I have begun following your blog and I read the post about the pops. I looked them up online and I may try them eventually, but I don't feel like spending that much at the moment. Money is going to be tight for a bit since I'm starting up college again in August. They sound promising, though. Good luck and congrats on the weight loss so far. Thanks for commenting!

I think I'm back on track, but I don't want to jinx it.

So... basically earlier in the week I kind of gave up. I started eating whatever the fuck I wanted whenever the fuck I wanted, and what I wanted was a lot of fatty junk. Then I had my two-day overnight orientation at CSU and I definitely pigged while I was there. They had so much yummy food in the cafeteria (not like yucky high school food) and it was like an all-you-can-eat fat buffet. I definitely ate all I could. Then when I got home I had a ton of Chinese food. Fail. But... I seem to be doing better now. Today, thus far, I have had less than 500 calories and I was actually aiming higher than that, so that's an accomplishment. I was planning to keep my intake at like 800cals/day for a week then move to 700cals/day for a week, and keep going down to like 300 or 200cals/day until I get where I want, but idk. When I get into my groove like this it's hard for me to sit there and munch on 800. I don't want to eat that much. I actually made myself eat more today than I wanted, just so I could go above 200 calories. I feel like if I start at 200 now then I might slow down my metabolism too much initially, and I won't lose very much weight. Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing and how much I should eat or how gradually I should go? I'm not exercising because I know when you're on a starvation-type diet if you exercise your body will go straight for your muscle instead of your fat, because it provides energy faster than fat and you need lots of energy when you exercise.

Now to get back to some of you who have commented (and thank you all, I love hearing from you guys)...

@Wishes - Thank you :) I have such a long way to go, though. Thank you for commenting as well, though I don't know if you will see this post or not. It doesn't show you as following, but if you do then thanks.
@Camille - I am 5'7" so I guess that is taller than the American average for women, which I believe is somewhere around 5'5". I wish I was taller though, because then when I got skinny I might have been able to model, but runway minimum is like 5'9" :/
@Butterfly - It's nice to hear from someone else who's been in the 200s. I will never go back. That's what my blog is named after actually. Let me know if the pops work :)
@Sarah - I have always been proportionate I guess. I seem to lose weight fairly evenly, and I hope it stays that way. I'd hate to lose all of my middle and be left with thunder thighs. Ew. lol

I have to get control of this eating

I keep saying I am going to get back on track, and then I fail. I need to get control of this stupid binge eating and nip it in the butt. I'm tired of feeling depressed after I eat a lot and then eating more because I'm depressed. I'm going to try (again) to do a fast. I'm not a smoker, I don't even like cigarettes, but I hear they are an appetite killer, so I will grit my teeth and bear it. They will be a tool just like the laxatives I'm about to pour down my throat. I'm hoping I can use water, tea, coffee, gum, and cigarettes to get me through the next few days. I'll let you know how that works out. I've created an e-mail specifically for things related to this blog. If you have any really personal questions or comments, or you just don't want to post your thoughts publicly, you can reach me here: neveragain_mywalkwithana@yahoo.com I wish there was a way to send messages on here instead of just leaving comments, but this works too. I will try to remember to check it daily. Good luck all. I hope you're having a better time of it than me.

Here are some pictures. Make sure you read the description if you want to know how much I weigh in them.

This was me at roughly 200lb, give or take a few, beginning of 2010. Bear in mind I was sucking it in as much as possible, so I was actually much fatter than I look there.


This was at about 180lb, also give or take a few. Also sucking it in.


I took this just a few minutes ago. I think I'm at about 177lb right now, not exactly sure. I was sucking it in BIG time, though, and I'm stretched out a bit since my arm is raised to hold the camera. lol So yeah... I'm covered in disgusting lard.


And me clothed, taken just the other day...

I don't know what the F*** is wrong with me!

I am emotionally stable and happy for the first time in ages, so why can't I just be physically stable too? Why does my body have to be on a constant roller coaster ride? Why can't I just lose weight like a normal person? I don't know how much I weigh right now. I am afraid to go near the scale. I don't think I will like what I see. I have been eating more than I said I would. I have been eating over 1,500 a day, so I'm pretty sure I haven't lost anything. I've probably gained. I don't know. I feel like a huge failure right now and I just don't know what to do. Should I go back to ABC? Should I fast? It seems like I can only go in extremes. I was doing SO well before I donated plasma. Those two days of eating regularly gave me a taste for it again, and now it's like I can't stay away from the food. I had over 2,000 calories today. I don't know exactly how many because I stopped counting. I am an epic failure. I am living on laxatives right now in desperate hopes that my body will not absorb everything I've put into it. *sigh* My failure is like a leech trying to drain the happiness right out of me. Why can't my body be as lovely as other aspects of my life, like my relationship? Things are going SO well with my girlfriend and I love her so much, so why can't everything else be perfect too?

Here is some thinspiration I put together for my thinspo book (yes I actually have one):







I have a lot more where that came from, but that's all for now folks.

Another binge today. Switching tactics.

I think I am going to abandon the ABC diet, at least for right now. I haven't really seen progress and the last two days I've broken down and eaten like a ravenous animal. Clearly this isn't working for me. So, I'm going to try another tactic for one week. If I see results I will stick with it. If I don't, I will switch again. I am going to try eating no more than 1,200 calories a day while drinking a ton of water and green tea (which is said to boost your metabolism). This should take my body out of starvation mode and maybe it won't horde away every little spare calorie I feed it and then drive me to eat like a cow. I'm basing 1,200 on this calculation I was reading about, where you take your goal weight (120 for me) and multiply it by ten, and that's how many calories you're supposed to eat. I guess I'll find out in a week if it's doing any good. I am going to try and avoid my scale in the meantime. Not sure how well it will work... I'm sort of obsessive with knowing how much I weigh.

This morning I binged again:
1/2 cup General Tso's chicken (155)
1 cup plain fried rice (333)
4 crab rangoon puffs (264)
2 fudgsicles (80)
12 oz Pepsi (150)
Thus far that is 982 calories/49% RDI.

Update:
I had to eat dinner with my family because my aunt came over and my dad made spaghetti. I should have looked up the calories BEFORE I ate, but it's too late now. Here's what I had:
1 cup Barilla thin spaghetti (800)
1/4 cup Classico spaghetti sauce (35)
1/4 cup 85% lean/15% fat ground beef (120)
8 slices of pickled jalapeno pepper (2)
My new daily total is now 1,939 calories/97% RDI, which is way higher than I wanted. *sigh* I'm hoping it will be easier tomorrow when I'm back at work and don't have time to stuff my face all day. Also I won't have to contend with another family dinner for quite some time. They're a rarity.

I was thinking about posting some pictures of me on here along with some thinspo pics. Anyone want me to? I'm not going to bother if no one is interested.

Strong is empty

I will not order Chinese food. I will not drive to Taco Bell and stuff my face. I will not drive to McDonald's and stuff my face more. I will not guzzle the two liter of Pepsi in the kitchen. I will not eat the Tuna Helper that my dad left in the fridge. I will not eat every single chip in every single bag in the kitchen. I will not eat all of the frozen dinners in the freezer. I will not make ramen just to throw it up again. I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't... Strong is empty, but right now I don't feel very strong. Right now I want to eat everything, anything. I need to be stronger. If you want to read about my day check out my previous post. This was just a random rant because I'm struggling right now.

Another rainy, shitty day. This is going to be a complaint blog.

Have I mentioned how much I hate working in the rain? I really, really do. On top of that, one of our drivers called out so I had to stay late, and then our GM ended up making me do dishes. Not my job!!! So now my work clothes are more soaked than they already were from the rain and my hands are pruned from the dish water. Uck. Another thing that pissed me off: I guess someone thought it was okay to leave a bucket on the highway, and it got stuck under my fucking car. It was dragging along under it so I had to pull over and get out, on the side of the highway in the rain, and get down on my hands and knees to get it out. It took me like five minutes of pushing and pulling to break the plastic enough to get it from behind my tire, and my entire arm got covered in nasty black car shit. It got under my nails too, which is totally ewie.

Another thing that pissed me off: two of my managers (who are both bitches and who can both kiss my ass) told me I shouldn't talk about other people's personal business (referring to the situation with Alexis and Brittany and the water bill), but it is definitely my business since I had to help bail Brittany out and she is like my sister. So fuck all of them. I don't know how they can defend that selfish, lazy waste of space. And then Lex asked me if I had something to say about it when she came in to work, and that it was none of my business, to which I told her it definitely was. I shouldn't have had to bail Britt out in the first place, so that made it my business right there, regardless of the fact that she's my best friend and closer than blood to me.

I think the last thing really pissing me off today is my weight. HOW AM I NOT LOSING WEIGHT?!?!? I'm barely eating, so I should be losing weight. That's how it fucking works, right? Fuck my life. Fuck my stupid body for not cooperating. I really don't know what to do. I guess the only plus is that I stuck to my calorie limit today, though I doubt it'll do any fucking good. I hate me right now.

My ABC limit was 400 and this is what I've had today:
4 6oz cups of plain black coffee (7)
1 cup low fat (1%) cottage cheese (160)
5 wheat thins fiber selects crackers in garden vegetable (40)
1 dill cucumber pickle (5)
4 oz regular Pepsi (50)
1 cup Mott's natural apple sauce (50)
1 6oz cup Great Value light nonfat yogurt in banana cream pie (80)
2 pieces sugar free Stride spark gum (8)
That puts me at exactly 400 calories/20% RDI.

Somehow I've managed to get myself back into binging/purging/binging/purging the last two days. I was doing so well with avoiding it before, but I've done it about four times in the last two days. That's a lot for me, and I don't like it. I don't want my cheeks to swell up like a chipmunk. :( The food just looks so good sometimes and I can't resist it, and then I know I can't keep it down or I'll get fat, fat, fat.

Update:
I ended up binging (and not purging) on Chinese food. I failed so badly. I did some calculations and figured out that my new daily total now comes out to about 1,405. I had 2 cups/1 pint of General Tso's chicken and 4 crab rangoon puffs, along with approx. 10 oz of regular Pepsi. Someone shoot me. At least I didn't go over 1,500 though. I will try for better tomorrow. :(

Epic

So Harry Potter was epic. Words cannot describe how freaking awesome it was. I'll definitely be going to see it again at least two more times while it's in theaters, and of course I'll be buying it when it comes out on DVD.

I've not had a good day today. I woke up to it raining, and it's barely stopped raining all day. I hate working in the rain, because it's humid and gross, and my pants and shoes got muddy, which was also gross. Bugs try and take refuge in my car when it rains, so that's also really annoying. Then my manager was an absolute evil bitch. That's nothing unusual. I actually stuck up for myself today though and got an attitude with her. I'm tired of her singling me out when there's a huge group of people in the back of the store socializing, like I'm the only one not doing anything! Fuck her.

On top of that I'm super pissed about my weight. I got on the scale this morning for the first time in days, and I'm convinced it's lying. It has to be. There is no way I gained five pounds. I only ate those two days I had to and then I did the sea salt flush and took laxatives. I crapped all that stuff out so I don't understand, and I didn't eat enough calories to gain anything! Also, I fasted all day yesterday, even through both of the movies. I had less than 30 calories total so what the fuck?!? I'm really confused and upset right now. I feel like such a big fucking failure.

Today:
1 piece sugar free Stride spark gum (4)
1 jumbo grade A hard boiled egg with salt (100)
6 6oz cups of plain black coffee (~11)
1 dill cucumber pickle (5)
2 original Club crackers (35)
3 6oz cups of plain black coffee (5) - I'm trying to get this stupid water out and it's being really, really stubborn
4 1/2 mini cheddar cheese rice cakes (35)
My ABC diet said today was supposed to be 200 calories. That's 195 calories/10% RDI.

Thank you all my lovelies for commenting on the last post: kes, Pixie Dust, Jackie, and Princess Perfection.

@kes - The gum trick worked at the movies. Thankies :)
@ Pixie Dust - It's cool that you found that artist to do it for cheaper. Did you like HP?
@Jackie - They act as a cleanser for your system. They flush all the bad stuff out. Think natural laxative. The downside is the water retention. I'm so irritated right now because I'm holding in several extra pounds of water right now that's making it look like I gained weight.
@Princess Perfection - Aw, well I'm glad my post made you a bit happier too. I've had better days than today, honestly. *hugs back*

I'm so excited *does a little dance*

Do you know the song Full of Grace by Sarah McLaughlin? I usually feel like that, but lately it’s been less. Lately I’ve been happy, not fighting against the current and just struggling to stay above water. Even after my medical scare yesterday, I still feel calmer inside than I used to. I feel like I’ve found my solid ground for a change. It feels good to be stable, and I’m back on good terms with my friends and family, well for the most part. Lol Brittany told me yesterday that I’m a really good friend, and I knew that already (the things I do for her), but it felt good to hear it and to have it acknowledged. I know she would have done the same for me if the situation had been reversed.

Another thing I want to talk about is my girlfriend. We have our disagreements sometimes, but what couple doesn’t? I don’t know any. At the end of the day I’m in love with her and that’s all that matters to me. I believe we can conquer anything if we try hard enough. I know I upset her and worry her sometimes, especially with the eating thing, and I wish it wasn’t so. I wish she knew that I don’t just want her to be there for my problems, but that I want to be there for hers too. I am just head over heels for this girl.

I am getting ready to go see the Harry Potter movie tonight, and words cannot express how excited I am. There’s also a tinge of sadness, though, because after this it will really be over. I’ve just showered and now I think I will watch I Am Number Four while I get ready and chat with my online friends. It’s a really good movie, by the way, for anyone who hasn’t seen it. I’m seriously hoping they make a sequel.

I have resisted the urge to weigh myself for the last two days and I’m going to try and hold off until at least tomorrow. I can see a physical difference when I put on my work pants. Before I started this they were tight on me, and now they’re so loose that I need to go buy a smaller pair. Hell yes! I love seeing progress. Also, the fast is going really well for me today. I’m hoping I can keep it up when I go to the movies, despite the fact that I always want to pig out when I get there. I’ve taken up the advice of the lovely Kes and bought several packs of different gum to take with me. If I can change up the flavor once in a while and keep my mouth occupied, maybe I won’t think about cramming popcorn and candy down my throat. I’ll also be sneaking in a few bottles of water in my purse so I won’t be tempted to buy soda at concessions.

I will maybe take some pictures next week to post on here, but I don’t know yet. Lol I haven’t decided what I’m going to wear to the theater yet, besides jeans. I haven’t even decided which pair of jeans. I know it’s completely irrelevant since I’m going to be sitting in a dark theater, but I don’t get to dress up very often because I don’t go out very often, other than for work. I love to look nice when I go places because if people look at me in a good way it’s a confident boost. Sometimes, though, I try to hide under baggy clothes and hope people won’t notice me. Today is not one of those days. (: Wish me luck with my fast! *crosses fingers*

So far today…
3 8oz cups of plain black coffee (7?)
3 pieces of sugar free Stride spearmint gum (10)
That’s 17 calories/1% RDI according to my Calorie Counter app. I will update later.
Last night I did the sea salt flush and took a laxative to get that nasty shit out, and I feel soooo much better today. It’s like I snapped my fingers and all that ickyness is gone. I feel new and clean inside and I’ve been drinking a lot of water, so points for hydration. Woo!

I think that’s all for now, but I may update later. Thanks for reading!

Update:
2 pieces of sugar free Stride spark gum (7)
1 piece of sugar free Trident original gum (4)
My total for the day ended up being 28 calories/1% RDI. Not bad for a fasting day, considering it was all from gum and coffee.

OMFG... what a day

I got a few hours of sleep last night and got up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to do what I needed to do. I picked Brittany up and we ended up getting lost for a few minutes on the way to the plasma bank, but it was an easy fix and we got there right on time. I called ahead yesterday to find out how long it would take and to schedule an appointment, because I was supposed to be at work at 11 am, although I called my manager last night and let her know I wouldn't be in until 11:30 today. So the plasma bank told us to come at 8 and we would be done by 11, except they LIED. They didn't even get Brittany hooked up in the back until just after 11, and then me after her. Luckily her donation went off without a hitch (which is unfair because she used to be anemic and I never have been!), but I had a ton of problems.

They stabbed my right arm first because the vein was clearest there, but after one round of the plasma the machine started beeping and apparently the problem was something called "high pressure," meaning my vein wasn't allowing my separated blood to be pushed back into my arm at a regular speed. The nurse tried adjusting the needle and ended up blowing my vein. A pool of blood ended up under my skin and now I have a hideous bruise. I look like a junkie. So then they stabbed my left arm and everything seemed to be going okay. I didn't have any more pain and only mild discomfort as the machine did its thing, and I managed to give the entire amount I was supposed to.

The final step after they push your blood back into you is to push saline into your veins, to make up for some of the fluid you've lost by giving up plasma. This is when the problems started. I was fine at first with only minimal teeth chattering, which the lady said was normal. Then it escalated and soon my entire body was shaking uncontrollably, I was freezing cold, my hands and feet started tingling, and then I couldn't feel hardly anything in them, and then I got sharp pain under my ribs when I tried to breath, and I almost went into a panic-like attack where it was hard for me to breathe at a normal rate. They had to call a nurse and it took a good thirty minutes for me to completely return to normal, and she had to take my vitals a few times and make me answer all these questions before she let me up. I don't know why my body reacted so badly. I ate plenty, and I DO mean plenty, and I drank a ton of water.

This really irks me. Why can't I just help someone without it having an adverse effect on me? Every time I give regular blood at the Red Cross I get dizzy and sometimes they have to put a cold towel on my neck and forehead, but it has never, ever been this severe before. I don't know what wrong. All I know is that that was kind of scary and I didn't get out of there until after 1:30 in the afternoon, so obviously I didn't end up going to work today. Luckily my manager is very understanding and she didn't get mad at me. Also, we got the money we needed to cover Brittany's bills. I took her to pay said bills before driving her home and then driving myself home. I took a nap and woke up around 6 pm. Then I had to go pick my dad up from the bus station because he just got back in town from his two-week vacation. He was kind of a selfish ass and totally ungrateful I was doing him a favor, so needless to say our reunion wasn't the most pleasant.

When I told him the reason I wasn't there promptly at 6 pm to pick him up was because I was sleeping, he didn't even bother to ask if something had happened. He just went right into being upset that my entire world doesn't revolve around his schedule, not even considering that maybe something was wrong and that I'd been sleeping with good reason. Oh poor him, he had to wait twenty minutes for me to go get him. That must have just been awful. Anyway, we didn't speak at all on the car ride home after our little tiff, and I finally bitched at him when we got back to the apartment about how he couldn't just be nice to me, and he couldn't see any flaw in his behavior. Finally I told him what had happened during my day and he showed minimal concern, but whatever.

Now, on to diet-related things. I ate almost a full 2,000 calories today because of what I underwent. I didn't want to be unhealthy, and even eating that much I still managed to come THIS close to passing out. *pinches fingers together* But that's all over with now and I can get back on track. I've been drinking plenty of water to replace the fluids I lost, but I've also just done another sea salt cleanse. Rather, I just drank the disgusting liter of sea salt water and now I'm waiting for it to work its mojo on my bowels. Fun stuff! I'm hoping it will wash away all that nasty, icky Taco Bell and McDonald's greasy fat-causing calorie-packed shit. I really don't want that in me longer than necessary. I'm planning to attempt a fast tomorrow all day since I was supposed to do one today for my ABC diet, but that obviously didn't happen.

So here's what I had to eat today...
1 McDonald's fruit 'n yogurt parfait w/o granola (130)
1 McDonald's sausage biscuit (regular not large) (430)
3 oz Tyson buffalo style chicken strips (190)
1 1/2 tbsp ranch dressing (105)
2 Taco Bell beefy melt burritos (940)
1 piece Stride sugar free spearmint gum (4)
1 cup 2% milk (120)
That puts me at 1,919 calories/96% RDI. I feel like I ate a whale and it's not a good feeling, and now my tummy is angry because I shoved a liter of gross sea salty water into it. *pouts* This day just isn't going my way no matter how I slice it and dice it. At least I was able to help Brittany out without breaking my own bank account, not that I wouldn't have if it had come to that, but I'm glad it didn't. I hope you have all had a better time of it today than I have. Stay strong girls! My thoughts and support are with you, even if I suck at commenting. :)

@Camille - I still can't get it to let me comment on your blog. I didn't have this problem until you switched to the white layout. I wonder wtf is wrong with it? lmao Anyway, I read your blog and I hope you stay well during your class. Good luck with the fasting, as long as you don't end up hurting yourself. You are gorgeous so try not to be so hard on yourself. :) We all slip up sometimes and then have to find our footing again, but you will get there. I believe in you, and thank you for your endless support and lovely comments. Pink positive! :D

@Annie - Thank you for the comments :) I am indeed already getting back on track with the dieting. I am doing the cleanse over again to clear out my system and then I plan to fast tomorrow. If I eat it will be extremely minimal. I will probably just stuff myself with ice water and tea and keep my mouth occupied with chewing gum. Tomorrow is Thursday... Thursday means Harry Potter. *squeaks for joy*

MASSIVE RANT: I've been so good today, and now I have to break it...

So today was actually a really amazing day for me. It was my coworker's birthday and I planned a surprise for her (she had NO idea! :D). Me and two of my coworkers put in for an ice cream cake for her from the best local ice cream shop (also my idea) and we all got her one of those musical birthday cards and signed it, and we put a 6 and a 9 candle on the cake (putting 69 actual candles would be a bit ridiculous). She was so happy she almost cried, and she really deserved it. She's one of the sweetest people I've ever known in my entire life, and she has always treated me with respect when others haven't. I feel very good about this, but now I'm going to have to eat at least 2,000 calories tonight. I don't want to, but I need to, because at 8:00 in the morning tomorrow I'm going to give plasma at the local plasma bank.

I give blood regularly to the Red Cross but they don't pay you. The plasma bank does. My best friend in the entire world just got screwed over by a "friend" of ours for $250 and she needs help, so we're both going tomorrow morning because first-time donors get $50 a piece. I know that it is very dangerous to not eat before donating bodily fluids. I'll also need to drink a shit ton of water and take an iron supplement and vitamins tonight. I don't want them to have any reason to turn me away, because she really needs this money. She's the kind of person who always wants to help people, because she doesn't like to see anyone suffer, and against everyone's advice she turned one of our coworker's water on in her house under her name. Then she found out last week that our coworker hasn't paid the water bill at all since it was turned on, which was four months ago, and on top of that the water company shut her water off at one point and she turned it back on illegally, so that's another fine tacked on there.

We just got paid today and Brittany is using her ENTIRE check to cover the bill, and she's still short $30, and Alexis refused to help her AT ALL, even though it's her fucking bill. I could kill that bitch. Everyone at Pizza Hut is extremely disgusted and angry with her, because she is a useless, selfish, sorry waste of a person who spent all of her money this month on drugs and other bullshit, instead of paying her rent or bills like she was supposed to. I smoke every once in a while, but I know that bills come before weed, always. No exceptions. And the fact that should would do this to Brittany... we're all pissed. Brittany is such a wonderful person, always trying to help everyone, and Alexis just walked all over her.

The only good that's coming out of this is that Brittany will never make this mistake again, and Alexis has really showed her true colors off. And don't worry, she told the water company to shut off that water and not turn it on again in her name, period. If Alexis does, the company will investigate and press charges, which I think they should do anyway, but oh well. You win some and lose some. Sorry for my massive rant. I was just really upset. I'm still sitting at 175 today, but I think part of it is all the water I've been drinking all day. I've had tons, and I haven't peed it all out yet. I will post what I've eaten thus far below, but I don't know if I want to post what I'm going to eat later. It will just make me feel like an absolute cow if I have to look at the numbers when I view my blog. Ugh.

1 jumbo grade A hard boiled egg with salt (100) - nom nom. Does anyone else really love hard boiled eggs? I do!
1 slice of marble oreo ice cream cake (~370?) - It would have looked very suspicious if I didn't eat any since the cake was my idea and I made a big deal about how excited I was to eat it. Don't worry, though, I went to the bathroom like 20 minutes after and got a fair bit of it up. I'm still counting the calories, though, just in case.
1 cup plain romaine lettuce (8) - I managed to eat it without salad dressing at all. Yay!
1 piece of Five gum (5)
1 jalapeno pepper (4)
1/2 iced oatmeal cookie (32)
That puts me at 519 calories/26% RDI. Today the ABC called for 500 calories, so I was pretty close. I would have been under but I took a vitamin when I got home and had half a cookie to settle my stomach. If I take vitamins without food I puke without fail, every time. Hope you are all having a good day! :)

Tons of love and support,
- C.

Update:
My plasma preparation for the night has concluded, and now I feel physically ill from having this much food in my stomach. It's so hard to keep it down :(
1 Taco Bell crunchy taco supreme (200)
2 Taco Bell beefy melt burritos (940)
3 cups 2% milk (360)
That's a total of 1,500 calories. Ew, ew, ew! I could just die right now. I feel so disgusting and I don't want it in my stomach. *has a temper tantrum* In the morning I'll have to eat something substantial as well so I don't pass out, and that's going to suck donkey dick. Kill me, please?

Not a great day :(

My neck hurts and I've been dizzy and sweating a LOT all day, even when I stood in front of the fan. My face and back just started pouring and I got shivers. This can't be a good thing. Also, my neck muscles are really sore and I have no idea why. I ate a salad at work (I put the dressing in a little cup and dip my fork in it to lower intake) and I got SO sick afterward. I don't know why, but I just couldn't keep it down. I ended up running to the trash can in the waitress station and puking my guts up. So gross. Maybe it was the lettuce? It didn't taste all that fresh...

The ABC diet called for 400 calories today and I've come out with 411 (or I will after I eat my rice cakes later). This is how it went, in order:
1 jumbo grade A hard boiled egg (100) - I should start buying the large eggs so I'm only consuming around 80 calories per egg as opposed to 100
1 cup Mott's natural apple sauce (50) - I only eat natural apple sauce because the regular with sugar added has like twice the calories
2 cups romaine lettuce (16)
1/2 oz Caesar salad dressing (75) - No matter how hard I try I can't seem to handle plain lettuce. It has to have at least SOME flavor to it
1 jumbo grade A hard boiled egg (100) - I've been sprinkling salt on each bite of my eggs cuz Camille told me I still need to have some every day. Thank you for the advice. I don't want to be unhealthy
9 mini Quaker cheddar cheese rice cakes (70) - These are fast becoming a staple in my diet. They're so filling!
That puts me at 411 calories/21% RDI

On another note, I bought my ticket to the Harry Potter premiere on Thursday night. I love midnight showings!!! I'm going to take my wand and my pygmy puff again, because they were such a big hit last time. I'll actually end up going to the theater at 8:30 because they're showing Part 1 at 9:00 as a precursor to the finale. The cool thing is that it's in the same auditorium so I'll be able to keep my seat. The bad thing is that whenever I go to the movies I get REALLY tempted to pig out. It's a nearly irresistible temptation for me, and I have no idea how I'm going to handle sitting there for like 5-6 hours without stuffing my face. Meh!

@Camille - I tried to leave a post on your newest blog entry, but for some reason the box would not open for me, so I will just leave your comment here. :) Pretending doesn't really work for me either. Sometimes it actually depresses me MORE because I feel fake and I wish I could actually feel how I'm acting, so lately when I feel down I just let it show and say to hell with it. As for eating out, I haven't been since I started my diet, but I can imagine it would be REALLY difficult to resist eating a ton. Also, I wouldn't want anyone to know something is wrong with me, so I would probably eat to keep up with appearances, and then I wouldn't be able to stop binging. Ugh. Hopefully I can just avoid going out to restaurants at all until I reach my goal weight. I hope your house sells quickly. It must be stressful worrying about that. I've never owned a house and I'm not old enough to for six more months, and besides I don't have the money to anyway. lol

Canoeing sounds fun. I've never been, but I want to try it someday, along with white water rafting and sky diving. Perhaps throw in some bungee jumping and parasailing. I am obviously an adrenaline seeker. Definitely make sure you eat enough for that level of activity, though. I don't want you passing out :/ He hid the scale, huh? Are you sure he didn't throw it away completely? Either way that is not good. You should act like you've been eating more if you want to hide it. Maybe leave some empty dishes around with crumbs or sauce on them. Or cook popcorn and let it sit out for a bit so the smell lingers in the kitchen. I really hope I never have to deal with an intervention, because I would end up just saying 'Fuck you' to all of the people involved. Hopefully it doesn't come to that for you. Good luck hun!

175.6

YAY! Off to work now :)

I actually cooked today (a rarity)

It's not that I don't know how to cook. I do. I'm just very lazy, so I tend to snack more than anything. Today I boiled some yellow corn on the cob and boiled some eggs. Now I have some healthy foods to eat instead of just small portions of junk food. I'm aiming for around 300 calories today. We'll see how that goes. I will update later tonight with my totals and such.

@Camille - You are awesome. I love that you always comment, because the support is wonderful to have. I don't know how well I would have been able to do this alone. The coffee is definitely what flushed out the water weight. I've been going off the walls all day, though, because of how much caffeine I've had. lol Oh, and I like the new layout on your blog. :)

@Princess Perfection - Thank you also for commenting. I appreciate it. :) The cleanse is actually not that horrible. I mean it's gross, yeah, because it's like diarrhea times ten, and it tastes awful when you drink it, but it's not as bad as you think. The only thing that pissed me off was the water retention and bloating, but four cups of coffee took care of that straight away. Thank you for your support and I hope you are feeling better.

1 packet Quaker original instant oatmeal (100)
1 jumbo grade A hard boiled egg (100)
4 oz sweet yellow corn on the cob (98)
1 piece Stride spearmint gum (4)
Total: 302 calories/15% RDI

This concludes week one of the ABC diet for me, and I'm down to 176.8 lb.

YAY!

I drank a shit ton of coffee yesterday to try and flush out the water I was retaining from that stupid sea salt cleanse thing, and it WORKED!!! Back at 178 now. :D I was seriously feeling like an elephant from all of the bloating. I mean... my old fat jeans that are big on me now were tight on me yesterday. I was freaking out for a minute there. Crisis averted :)

@kes - Thank you, and no cutting isn't good. I hope you can find the strength to quit like I did. I finally figured out it just wasn't worth the risk with my emotional state. I generally did it very violently when I was feeling particularly emotional.

@BrazilianSpice - Thankies :) I do love compliments lol Awesome that you quit cutting. I'm only one year behind you. I'll admit there have been a few times over the years I've thought about it, because it was a huge coping mechanism for me as a teenager, but I feel way more stable now that I've stopped.

Pieces of Me

I thought I would share what I look like, so here goes.



I still have a long way to go, but this is way better than I used to look.


I really wanted a bracelet, so I bought some string from Walmart and watched tutorial vids on YouTube. I think it turned out pretty :)


I have a lot of scars. Too many to count. Most of them are very faded and you can't really see them in the picture. I've been good for five years now, and I fully intend on keeping it that way.

Floating and not.

I stayed under 200 calories today and it was so easy. I feel accomplished, and yet like I accomplished nothing, because my stupid scale still says the same stupid thing. I know it's the salt water and my period doing it, I know that logically, but part of me just thinks it's because I'm fat, fat, fat and I'm not losing any weight. Hopefully it will go down by morning. Tomorrow is my day off so I will probably struggle with not eating. When I'm at work I stay pretty busy (usually) and that helps to distract me. At home I get bored and boredom leads to mindless eating while watching TV. Definitely not good.

On another note, I really appreciate those of you who comment on my blogs. I love all the support. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I know I am REALLY bad at commenting on other people's stuff, but I'm going to try and do better. I know you guys need support just as much as I do. It's a matter of finding the time to sit down and read and comment, which I should be able to do tomorrow.

I just found out what EDNOS means. Before I had only ever heard of Anorexia and Bulimia. I suppose that would make me EDNOS since I don't fit all of the qualifications for either of the others. Mostly I restrict and only once in a while do I purge (only if I've failed miserably and gone on a binge). Does anyone know where I can get an EDNOS bracelet? I'm no good at making things like that. lol

1 cup Mott's natural apple sauce (50)
1 nibble of mozzarella cheese (21)
9 mini cheddar cheese rice cakes (70)
2 pieces of sugar-free 5 chewing gum (10)
1 jalapeno pepper (4)
3 pepperoncinis (10)
apple cider vinegar (0)
water (0)

That puts me at 166cal/8%RDI for the day. Looking at that eight percent I'm kind of impressed with myself at the moment.

Anyway, I'm off now to do the dishes and the laundry and then watch Buffy (my favorite show ever - if you've never seen it you should). Thanks for reading and good luck. Pink positive! :)

I'm so pissed off

Ok so I'm really pissed off right now. I did the master cleanse with the sea salt last night and I was under the impression that it would make me lose weight. Well after I went to the bathroom three times this morning and stepped on the scale, I'm still two pounds heavier than I was yesterday before the cleanse. WHAT THE FUCK?

Had a bit of an eye-opener today

Today was interesting... I almost passed out a few times at work, because it's really freakin' hot outside and I have to take out the trash as part of my job. Let me tell you... it is not easy to lift those garbage cans into that dumpster when you've barely eaten. I may have to adjust the amount I eat at work so I don't pass out. When I was on delivery I took a pizza to this girl in the hospital, and I'm pretty sure she was there from ana. That's how it looked anyway. So I'm making a promise to myself: I will not let that happen to me. I will not go that far. I will stop when I reach my goal weight and I will not be hospitalized.

I aimed for a slightly higher calorie intake today on the principle of the ABC diet. I gather it's all about variation to keep your body from becoming complacent. Since the last few days I've been eating under the amount listed by the ABC diet, today I switched and ate a few more, basically just reversing the days of the week.

This is what I've had:
Diet Coke (0)
Unsweetened tea (0)
Shit tons of water (0)
1 iced oatmeal cookie (65)
1 cup Motts natural apple sauce (50)
4 original Club crackers (70)
1/2 slice medium thin crust pepperoni (100)
2 cracker-size slices mozzarella cheese (42)
1 snack-size Reese's peanut butter cup (80)

I still haven't technically eaten "dinner" but I already feel disgusting from eating all I have today. Ugh. I was aiming to consume 500 calories today and so far I'm at 407/20% of RDI. I might have some mini rice cakes in a bit. Maybe. Or not... Idk.

I stepped on the scale this morning and it was down to 179.2. I'm feeling awesome. I just need to stick with this. :) Good luck girls! We can do this together.

Feeling better now

I had a nice long chat with my girlfriend and I feel like we're more on the same page now. It feels good to have really talked about my issues and opened up to her like that. I feel I'm growing a little closer to trusting and not worrying as much. It will take time, as anything does, but I feel more optimistic about this now. Also, I just weighed myself and down to 179.6. Yay for progress!

Cramps, ew. Bleeding, more ew.

So yeah it's THAT time of the month. Kill me please. Being a female just sucks so bad sometimes. I went through a bout of depression today. I literally sat in my car at work and almost cried, over really stupid stuff. Luckily my best friend called me when I got home and we had a nice long chat, which we haven't done in a while. It was nice to catch up. I forgot how much I missed talking to her, it's insane. :/ We used to work together almost every single day, but now we're on different shifts.

On another note, I've come to realize I am seriously paranoid and have emotional problems. Tons. Buckets full. I could probably rent a therapist out for a year and STILL have problems. Oh, life, why have you done this to me? I have trouble trusting people for a lot of reasons, and there are people I really wish I could let go and trust more. For instance, my girlfriend, when she tells me she loves me and that she thinks I'm beautiful. I wish there wasn't that little evil voice in the back of my head trying to interfere.

I'm trying really hard not to be clingy and drive her away, while also trying not to go insane from not being clingy and asking for reassurance every other minute. I'm a total attention-craver and I NEED some level of constant assurance, which I know is unhealthy. I'm trying to get over it, really. She's also pretty opposite me in that way. She doesn't cling to me at all, which sometimes really gets on my nerves, cuz I'm clingy girl and I want to be clinged to, if that makes any sense. I could host an entire clingathon in a relationship all by myself. I'm aware those aren't real words, by the way.

Then I have insecurities about my friends, just everyone in my life in general. I feel like I'm always the one to initiate the conversation or ask to hang out. Hardly anyone EVER calls me or texts me first. That gives me another set of issues. Am I not really wanted as a friend? Am I just someone they put up with? So I've decided I will be texting and calling no longer, at least for now. I'll go silent and see if anyone notices, if anyone bothers to ask me what's up or how I'm doing. It's a solid plan for now. Hopefully someone will actually take notice and I won't be lonely depresso girl.

On a more cheerful note, I found some pictures I think are really awesome. They make the day just a little bit brighter, even if only marginally. I can't claim any of them as my own, so no offense to the takers! I just really like them. :)

Another good day!

:) I'm happy that I'm back on track now, and I love all the support I'm finding on this site. It really helps to be able to read other people's thoughts and know that I'm not alone in this. So today has gone like this...

1 cup Mott's natural apple sauce (50)
3 oz reduced fat (2%) cottage cheese (76)
2 jalapeno peppers (8)
1 lemon wedge without peel (2)
1 disgusting mouthful of cooked mozzarella cheese (21)
2 original Club crackers (35)
9 mini cheddar cheese rice cakes (70)

So far that puts me at 262 calories/13% of RDI.

Also, I've started drinking vinegar (the kind you cook with, not clean with) because it helps to cleanse the digestive tract and absorb fewer calories. Another thing I've been doing is eating jalapenos, because any kind of spicy pepper is said to speed up your metabolism and help clean your system. I only use laxatives when I'm desperate. They're my own personal form of punishment when I lose control and binge (like last weekend - ugh).

I'm feeling really good about today, though. I hope I can keep this up. Good luck to anyone who's reading this in achieving your goals.

Shaping up to be a good day so far...

So I should probably start off with... I work at Pizza Hut. That might explain some of the things listed below, because I tend to nibble on food when I'm at work. I know, bad, bad habit that needs to be broken. I'm trying and it's kind of starting to work.

1 bone-out naked chicken wing (75)
3 oz reduced fat (2%) cottage cheese (90)
1 pepperoni (I couldn't help myself!) (8.75)
1 crouton (1)
2 jalapeno peppers (8)
2 Club crackers (35)
tiny nibble of mozzarella cheese (11)
unsweetened tea (0)
Diet Coke (0)
water (0)
9 mini cheddar cheese rice cakes (70)

That puts me at 290 for the day so far, or 14% of RDI (recommended daily input). I feel pretty good about this, but my stomach is starting to do that rumbling thing again. I may have to suck it up and have another couple of crackers later with a lot of water. I'm debating about going on this ABC Diet I've been hearing about, but I haven't decided yet. Advice anyone? Does it work?

Also, there's this really cool app for anyone with a smartphone who can get on the Android market. It's called Calorie Counter and it has a little logo of a scale. You can find the nutritional info of pretty much any food, even by brand. You can also make a Food Diary for each day so you know how many calories you've eaten. I love it because now I don't have to carry my food journal around with me and write in it all the time. Yay for technology! lol

I'm doing well so far today. I haven't eaten at all since before midnight and I've only had water and diet soda to drink. I can feel my stomach starting to protest a little, but it will be okay. If I start to feel sick I'll have some crackers with water to settle it. Strong is empty. I just need to remember that.

An Overdue Update

I just signed on here today and realized I haven't written anything in a long while. Right now probably isn't the best time since it's almost 5 AM and I have to go to work in a few hours, but here goes. I slipped up - bad - and gained back a lot of the weight I had lost last year. I'm on the right track again now, I think, but it's going to take some work to undo all the junk food damage. Ugh. I jiggle. It's so disgusting. I'm aiming to reduce my calorie intake to an even lower amount than before, and hopefully I can manage about a pound off a day, or at least almost a pound a day. That would be nice, since I'm looking to lose around 50 pounds still just to get to 130. Have I mentioned I used to weigh 225? I mean 180 is pretty hefty but it's way better than 225, so I guess I should be happy about that. And yet... all I can think is that I'm disgusting and that this needs to come off. I've started following some other pro-ana pages I've found and maybe they will help me stick with this. :) *crosses fingers* Here's to hoping! Now my neighbors are fighting downstairs, again... That is my cue to turn up the TV (reruns of Buffy - yay!). Night all, and good luck if you're going through the same thing as me.