I still don't have hunger pains. Either my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do or I'm incredibly lucky. O.o Anyway, my scale says I'm down to 168. Woo hoo!
What do you do when someone tells you over and over again that you don't have an ED? Are they trying to convince themselves or are they trying to convince you? Or are they just ignorant to the fact that EDs don't come in a perfect little package that is easily definable? I don't think I'm anorexic and I know I'm not bulimic, but at the same time I know I have a problem. I can't just be normal about my weight. I tried to stop and think that maybe it would be okay if I were fat, except it's not, and it never will be. I can't imagine being stuck in this tub of lard for the rest of my life. I jiggle and I'm disgusting. I stopped eating regularly as a way to lose weight. Does that mean I'm not disordered? I'm not a doctor so I honestly can't answer that question. I know that I have a history of problems from cutting to depression, to a slight bipolar tendency. I used to be in therapy and on meds, but I quit going and quit taking them in high school. Is it really as cut and dry as me trying to lose weight, or is this just another coping mechanism for me? I'm struggling to figure it out, but it's giving me a headache.
I have a clear memory that pops out at me from 7th grade. It was lunch time and I was sitting in my Spanish teacher's empty classroom. I decided not to go to lunch that day and not to eat when I got home. When she asked why I wasn't at lunch and all I was eating was a packet of artificial sweetener, I remember I tried to justify it with some nonsense. Said I wasn't really hungry and I would eat later. It didn't last the next day, because my willpower wasn't nearly as strong then as it is now. Instead I turned to cutting back then, and it made me feel better. I got addicted to it and wrapped it around me like a blanket. Some would say I gave up one thing for another. Some would say I'm just a headcase. I think I'm just complicated and that I don't fit into an easily labeled box. I'm still trying to figure me out.
Congrats on making it through another day! Similar things to the last two paragraphs have run through my mind. I just never found the words to express it. I probably wasn't near a computer either... I can't figure myself out either. Maybe I will someday, but obviously not any time soon. Maybe when I can finally move away from this area...
ReplyDeleteJust remember that the best things are undefinable! I totally agree with you about the eating disorder thing, its like you can only qualify if you weigh 80lbs! The truth is so many people have serious issues with food but if they're bigger and weigh a bit more then their problems seem to be less significant. Screwed up world x
ReplyDeletecongrats on 168, youre doing so great on the fast! I know exactly what you mean about possibly giving up something for another I think about everything you said too, and I know it gives me a headache to even think about connecting all the dots that led me to how I am now with food. Its too complicated, I just know I want to be tiny. So I just want to focus on that for now.. ya know
ReplyDeletexxo
I think that's the reason they're revising the DSM criteria because a lot of disordered girls fly user the radar cos they're not seriously underweight. I think with the new criteria you would count as an anorexia subtype since you don't purge. But even with the current criteria I think you would qualify as EDNOS. You don't seem just to be on a diet, the control of food is as you say, a coping mechanism. The only reason I'm diagnosed as anorexia and not EDNOS is because technically I've been underweight before and this counts as a relapse I suppose.
ReplyDeleteAnyway... Good job on the fast! Stay strong!! Xx
*under the radar... Sorry I'm on my phone lol
ReplyDeleteWe all wonder about diagnoses. They makes us feel like we've accomplished something, when in the end they just fuck up our lives. Most of us are EDNOS, where you don't really fit into any category, which almost makes things feel worse.. But congratulations on the loss! Keep up and know we love you even if we don't always comment... :D
ReplyDeletePS thanks for your comments on my blog, I've found you very supportive :) and the last comment you left led to me ranting a bit more! x
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