A Brief Update

I'm really sorry guys. I know I haven't updated in ages. I've just been in this weird sort of rut in my life. I've also been really busy with school and blah, blah, blah. I could come up with an endless list of excuses, but the simple truth is that I haven't felt worthy of even coming on here. I don't feel like I even deserve support because I've just been sabotaging my every effort to lose weight. I've been bingeing basically nonstop since I quit my water fast, and I've been smoking which makes me binge more, and the smoking also makes me not give one flying fuck about what I eat or how I look, or anything for that matter. I cease to care about my life or anything around me. It's a pleasant numb feeling to not give a fuck, but then I wake up in the morning and feel like such a horrible failure. At least I seem to be losing weight again. My body freaked out on me after the water fast and started packing on the pounds REALLY quickly, but it seems to have settled down now. I've started tracking everything I eat again, so that should be a help. As long as I can stay motivated and stop myself from being lazy, I might be able to pull my shit together. I just hope that happens soon. I'm sorry for being away and I apologize in advance if you don't hear from me in a while, but I will really try to kick myself in the ass and get a move on. :) Hopefully soon I will be back to my motivated, daily blog updating, rapid weight losing self.

Liberty Creek Cabernet Sauvignon

The way I've been eating since I got off my water fast has been appalling and disgusting. It doesn't help any that I've been drinking tons of wine and smoking, which always makes me eat. When I smoke (no, not cigarettes) I turn into a ravenous beast; a bottomless pit; a garbage disposal. I will literally eat through the contents of the cupboard and the fridge, even when I'm so full that it's physically uncomfortable to keep eating. So... I'm going to have to give up smoking again. It is just sabotaging my weight loss. I'm not even going to say what my scale said this morning, because it's just terrible and I don't want to think about it. I have a new plan, though, and it had better work. I've been taking laxatives and slowly crapping out all the junk I've been putting in my body for the last few days, but I think I have about another day of laxatives to go before it's all out (I really ate THAT MUCH). Until it's all out, I will not be eating solids, except for fruits. I will have a piece of fruit at each meal along with liquids and baby food. Anything between meals will have to be baby food (which surprisingly doesn't taste bad). I will weigh again when I feel it's all out and hopefully the number won't be so horrifying.

Sutter Home Sweet Red

Okay I ended up downing an entire bottle of red wine by myself (only a 750ml bottle) and I'm not even tipsy. Damn. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't built up my alcohol tolerance. It takes so much more to feel it now. I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight but she bailed. I guess I should have expected it from her, but I was hoping for the best. So I just smoked, ate, and drank alone. That sounds really depressing, I know, but I had fun anyway. I danced around my room and watched The OC, and texted some friends, so it's all good. Anyway, the last few days have been horrible food-wise. I really need to kick my ass for all the bingeing I did. I need to get back on track pronto, cuz I've already gained back several pounds. This is just unacceptable. I am going back to restricting immediately. The only saving grace is that I looked it up online and apparently the average 750ml bottle of red wine only has between 300-500 calories. That's way less than the amount of calories I used to drink in vodka on a daily basis. I have another full bottle in the fridge but I'm not opening it tonight. I will save that for another day. I also took some pictures in my new clothes. :D I only feel like posting one, so here ya go:

Just wanted to let you guys know...

I'm still alive and kicking. lol I haven't been around much the last few days but hopefully I'll be back to my regular blogging soon. The last few days have been a bit of a food disaster for me, but I'm hoping to be back on track tomorrow. :) I miss you all and I know I have a lot of comments to reply to, but for now I'm going to watch The OC and sip on my red wine.

So I broke my fast...

I went to the store around 11:30 last night and bought all kinds of fruit and veggies to break my fast with. When I got home I cut up the watermelon I bought and had a few slices around 1 am, along with some V8 juice. I had no idea that it would be so hard to eat so little food. I feel overstuffed from just a few slices. It's an uncomfortable feeling, but I guess it's better than puking up stomach acid all the time, which I did twice last night. I'm following the guidelines for breaking a fast presented here: http://www.allaboutfasting.com/breaking-a-fast.html I'm desperately hoping I don't gain all the weight back because that would be VERY frustrating after all of my hard work. I will update later today to let you guys know how it's going and to do some replies.

Day 16 of 28

My weight has done something strange and confusing. This morning I was 2 pounds heavier than yesterday, and this evening I was 2.6 pounds heavier. O.o I haven't eaten so I'm baffled. I may break my fast early tomorrow because I think it's getting to be a bit much with school. This afternoon I walked from the parking garage to my afternoon class all the way across campus only to find out it was canceled for the day, so I had to walk all the way back. I thought I was going to pass out. I'm also really tired of having dry mouth and nausea. I don't think I want to finish this as much as I thought when I started out. Sixteen days is pretty good, though, right? Thoughts, opinions, suggestions all welcome...

Day 15 of 28

I don't really have a lot of energy for blogging at the moment, or anything else really. I have so much work to do for my classes it's kind of unreal. I feel myself wanting to slip back into my old routine of laziness and procrastination, but I'm really trying not to. I wasn't prepared to be SO busy right away. I need to stay away from the online food articles and restaurant guides because reading them and looking at the pictures makes my mouth water. I have another 13 days to go still. I'm really hoping I can stick to it. On the up side, my nose stopped running earlier this week and my scale said 157.2 this morning. On the down side, I keep getting dry mouth constantly. I always wake up with it and when I talk I get it, and it makes my throat hurt. Maybe I'm not drinking enough water. I'll do some comments now and then it's back to studying. I grabbed a nap when I got home so I should be good for a while. Maybe I'll even have time to watch Winnie the Pooh afterward if I hurry my ass up.

@FatBitch - Yeah I love them, they're adorable. I lost all my tips at work that day and it just really upset me.

@mlw - I'm on day 15 of 28 of my water fast.

@Sam Lupin - Academic success demands that I be super organized, so I'm trying really hard to keep up with everything. I don't want to fall behind again. If you can't make time for me I understand. Just know that I miss my during-the-day chatting buddy. I generally try to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Eh, I don't want to look androgynous. I just want them not to be so damn heavy because it makes wearing certain kinds of clothes rather difficult. Good luck with all of the school work.

@Jen :) - I love pasta in a crazy way, but I know that it's one of the most fattening things to eat so I try to be good with it. I will probably have some in moderation after I end my fast.

@Mia - Thank you, and I totally understand. I won't rest until I'm thin. I just hope I can keep up with all of this damn reading. Ugh. There's so much of it.

@Christina - I hope all turns out well. It's an awful lot of reading and notes I have to get done in a short time. Staying motivated is a huge problem for me. I think it would be easier if I wasn't also working, but I need the extra money. I love pasta as well. It is one of my few food weaknesses, along with chicken. If the chicken and pasta are combined that's even better. lol

@Run - I know! I feel really accomplished, and now I only have 13 more days to go. I'm finding my textbook much more enjoyable than listening to the professor talking. He just bores me to death. I feel that way around pizza as well, particularly at work. I always feel like curling up in a little ball and dying when a fresh thin crust pepperoni comes out of the oven.

@jackie - Thanks hun. I have concentration issues too. I just really need to buckle down and get this taken care of. I've put it off for a while now.

Day 14 of 28 (First Day of Classes)

I’m just taking a quick break from textbook reading/note taking to update about my day. I’ve spent the last four or so hours doing that, so I’m ready for a break. Anyway, I had Biology this morning and Psychology this afternoon. I absolutely adore biology but the professor is like dry bread. I was way more interested by reading the textbook than listening to him talk. He didn’t really even cover the material in his lecture. He just rambled. Blah. That’s okay. I took VERY thorough notes from the book and made a study guide, so I’ll be fine. Psych on the other hand was pretty awesome. I can already tell I’m going to get along just fine with the teacher. She has a great sense of humor and doesn’t care if we bring our laptops to class as long as we don’t disrupt the learning environment. The only bad thing is the textbook… the first chapter is 35 pages and they just get longer after that. MEH!

I had a brief scare this morning where I thought someone had stolen my phone from the computer lab, but it turns out I just left it in my car like a big dummy. *rolls eyes* I ran all the way from class to the lab just to find out it wasn’t there, and then I was sweaty and out of breath and almost late for class. Urgh. I managed to go all day on just plain water. It feels good to be back on track again. Though, I have to say, I was nauseous nearly all day. There was a lot of walking around outside in the heat involved. I ended up leaving the campus after my first class and going to Walmart and then my apartment before going back (I have that much time between my Monday classes). Then I left my phone in my car again during Psych. I really wasn’t happy about that, but at least the class only took about half an hour because she only wanted to cover the syllabus. Normally it will last for an hour and fifteen.

When I got home my dad made spaghetti - my weakness. It was the kind with freshly cooked ground beef in the sauce and I about died. I had to take a plate to appease him and it's currently in my trash can, but I can smell it. *dies a little more inside* Sorry I've been absolute shit at commenting your blogs lately. I swear I'm reading them. I just haven't had the time/energy to really comment properly. I’m going to get to replies really quickly and then go back to my schoolwork, because I want to be ahead of the game. I do not want to fall behind because I desperately need to raise my GPA. It’s absolutely pitiful (I won’t even say what it is) from the semester I attended straight out of high school in Arizona. Let’s just say I dropped two classes, failed another, and barely passed the other, just to give you the broad picture. So I’m going to try and make straight A’s all this year so I can bring it up to something decent. All right, comments now. (:

Day 12 of 28:

@kes - I found out something interesting. Vitamin Water Zero isn't ACTUALLY 0 calories. I did some looking around and they're allowed to market it that way because of the sweetener they use, but it has something around 8 calories per bottle. That's not a lot, granted, but I think they should have to put that on the bottle instead of 0. It's probably for the best that you quit your job when you were pregnant if you were also going to school. That sounds way too stressful for someone who's prego. I definitely need at least one day a week to myself. I know I can't go like this for very long.

@Christina - Based on the amount of reading and notes I have to do from just my first two classes ALONE, there is no way I can handle working that much on top of it. I'm going to need all my time to stay on track.

@missinsanity. - I'm choosing not to sweat the Vitamin Water thing anymore. It happened and I probably needed the electrolyte boost. I just have that kind of personality where I freak out about stuff for a while if I think I've sabotaged myself. You start in September? Lucky duck.

@Sam Lupin - I totally didn't regain any of it, but I stuffed myself full of energy drinks/supplements that day so I made it through. Aw, I will make time for you. No worries. So I went down the baby food aisle at Walmart the other day. I was absolutely amazed by everything they had. lol Some of it looks really gross but I'm determined to try it anyway. Actually... you CAN sleep too much. *nods* If you oversleep it's just as bad for you as undersleeping. In fact, either under- or oversleeping can prevent weight loss. If am I thin before you, of course I will wait for you and still support you 100%.

@Run - You get daily nausea too? I hate it. It mostly happens when I walk around (especially if it's hot outside) but right now I'm sitting and my stomach is still turning unpleasantly. I'm just trying not to think about it. I am halfway through my 28 days now. Woo!

@Hope to be thin - If my energy doesn't come back then it doesn't. I'm just determined to see this through either way. I can deal with being a little slower. It's just the nausea I really can't stand. I hate that sick-to-your-stomach feeling. Right now I'm taking Biology, Psychology, World Regional Geography, US History to 1865, and Scuba diving class (which I'm really excited about - it starts in October). I'm going to end up working during school, but not as much as I was working before. I couldn't keep up with all of that.

@Nasimiyu - Yes indeed... every pound lost is cause to celebrate :) I try to have a cheerful outlook, but it's hard when I constantly feel like I'm going to puke. *sigh* Oh well. No pain, no gain.

Day 13 of 28:

@Mia - Thanks, and me too! lol

@Christina - Thanks, and yeah the hunger pains have receded to be replaced once again by nausea. I'm dealing, though.

@missinsanity. - You called me Crash... ;P No one else on here has done that yet, even though it's my nickname. I love the striped one too but I wanted it with black and dark blue instead of brown and white. It was even prettier in that combo, but they only had the blue in junior's XS and XL. I needed a M or L, so I ended up getting the brown in medium, which is basically an adult small I suppose. Junior's sizes run like a size smaller than women's sizes - I think.

@Annie - I would be a junior (year 3) if I'd stayed in when I went originally, but I decided it wasn't right for me at the time and I left to work for a few years. I'm really glad I did because I'm a lot more mature and prepared to commit to it now. So I am a freshman.

@kes - I have a hard time wearing shirts like those because my boobs are so heavy. I swear I almost injured my neck today wearing the halter top, just because of the weight strain on it from supporting my chest. It's still kind of ache-y.

@Nasimiyu - Oh I totally feel you on having huge hips. For me it's the hips/ass area that is the problem. It has lost the least inches so far I believe, and it's so annoying. I want it to just go away! I bought a pair of size 10 Jordache jeans today and they fit perfectly. *claps* I'm totally in love with them. It turns out my size junior 13 Lei jeans are actually a bit too big for me. I wish I hadn't listened to the lady in the dressing room. She told me I needed the 13 even though I wanted to try on the 11. I won't be taking her advice again, because that means I just wasted like $22.

@Sam Lupin - O.o Why is a size 10 bad? Here that's actually a good thing... lol It means I'm not overweight anymore. They were mean to me, yes, but that's not why I cried. I cried because I lost the ticket and money for one of my deliveries and had to pay for it out of pocket when I got back to the store, and it took all of my tips to do so. I lost $20 and it upset me pretty bad. Later when they were mean to be I just felt murderous. I could've just killed them all. Aw I love Biology. If you need any help with it let me know because I'm taking it also and I'm pretty good at it. :) I envy your 34B. If I was a 34B I could buy all the cute tops and bras and they would actually fit, instead of my boobs falling out of the top and sides. :/ They're simply too big for my liking at the moment. Thanks for commenting lovely! Hopefully we can chit chat sooooon.

Day 13 of 28 (Yesterday)

Day 13:

Okay so I totally didn’t have ANY time to post yesterday. I worked ten hours and then went shopping for some clothes, since I’m starting college today. I felt I deserved a little treat, and OMG I fit into a pair of size ten jeans!!! In junior’s sizes I’m an 11-13. I can hardly believe it. Anyway, yesterday was a fucking disaster. I ended up crying at work and feeling absolutely murderous. I’m so tired of that fucking bullshit. I can’t wait to leave. I also feel like I cheated myself again because I got through the day with a Vitamin Water, two Vitamin Water Zeros, a Monster Absolute Zero, and a 5-hour energy. At least I managed to keep going… On a brighter note, the scale said 158.2 yesterday morning. Awesome right? Anyway, I took some pictures of the cute new clothes I bought to show you guys. :)


(Lei jeans - junior size 13 - they're a bit loose on me)

(Same jeans - back view)

(This shirt makes me look tiny)

(I think this shirt is sooo cute, but it's still a bit tight on me - it's a junior's medium/7-9)


(I love this, but I'm going to have to figure out what to do with my boobs - they're kind of heavy, so the top won't stay up right)

(This dress also makes me look really thin (^.^)

(It's actually more of a mustard yellow color, but the camera made it orange)

(New strapless bra to wear with my blue and purple tube dress)

(These are actually a darker brown in person - US size 6 underwear - for those unfamiliar, underwear sizes are NOT the same as pant sizes)

(US size 6)

(US size 5 - these definitely don't fit yet but I love the color - something to work toward)

Day 14:

I made a terrible mistake. I feel like I royally fucked myself over. Before I went to sleep I puked bile again and my stomach was upset, and I caved and had two antacid soft chews, thinking that would be okay. I should have known better. I guess my body interpreted that as food because shortly thereafter my stomach started making a bunch of racket (like growling and digestive noises). Also, my hunger completely disappeared a few days ago. I’ve been just fine. But now it’s back with a vengeance. It’s really intense to the point where I can’t fucking sleep. I feel like crying. How could two little antacid chews do all this? Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!! It’s so unfair. After all my hard work I feel like I have to start the entire fucking process all over again. :( Someone shoot me? I will update later either between classes or after my second and last class of the day. I just have Biology and Psychology today and there is a few-hour break between them. I will also do replies later because I'm in no mood for them at the moment.

Day 12 of 28 (Tons of replies)

Oh what a day, what a day… I suppose it wasn’t too bad all things considered, but it wasn’t ideal either. There was more shit talked about me, but I’m kind of used to it now. I’m too tired to really bitch about it at the moment. I’ve just been so tired lately and I know it’s because I’m fasting, but I had hoped my energy would be back by now. *sigh* Tomorrow is my dreaded ten-hour shift and then Monday morning I start classes. I’m sure I will be exhausted for the next week. I told our GM she needs to find a new driver to cover Sundays because I just can’t handle going to school five days a week and working four days a week. I will have absolutely no time for myself, and I really need a day off of both school and work or I will go insane.

Scale said 159.2 this morning. I’m a tad disappointed that I didn’t lose more than 0.2lbs, but I’m hoping for better luck tomorrow. I feel like I cheated on my water fast today, although logically I know I didn’t really. I had a couple bottles of Vitamin Water Zero with electrolytes and a bottle of Sobe Lifewater Zero. I know that’s not technically plain water so I feel really guilty about it. As I told Sam earlier, I have a worrying mind. I tend to beat myself up over little things even when I know it’s not a big deal. I’ll be okay now that I’m at home, though. Nothing but distilled water for the rest of the night. I warmed up some leftover beans from the fridge for show and promptly dumped them in my trash can. I don’t think my dad suspects a thing.

I guess I’ll start on replies now because I have SO many to do. lol I guess I’ve been slacking again. I’ll be covering “I hate bad weather” and “Day 11 of 28.” If you commented on both posts you’ll need to keep scrolling to find your name twice, since I’m replying in order of arrival and separately for each post.

I hate bad weather:

@Christina – I am proud of myself, for sure. I’m happy that I’m finally in a normal weight range, but I won’t be ecstatic until I reach my goal. That doesn’t necessarily mean my goal weight, but at least my goal for the size of pants I want. If I fit well into that size before my goal weight then I will be satisfied. I’m aiming for a size 2 at the moment, because I have a broad bone structure and I’m not sure I could ever fit my hips into a 0. I find it unlikely. lol As for the milk, I will just have to wait and see. I’m leaving it unopened until after my fast, and then I will smell it to make sure it hasn’t gone bad. Since it’s closed I don’t think it will spoil, because the bacteria that causes milk to spoil supposedly only gets in there when it comes in contact with the air. That’s what I read anyway.

@Hope to be thin – I hate the cold and the heat. I’m super picky about the weather. I prefer a happy medium honestly, though if I HAD to choose I might choose the cold, just because I can wrap myself up in layers and layers of clothing and blankets. When it’s hot all I can do is sit in from of an air conditioner and hope to hell I don’t die. lol I figured out that two things were causing my nausea. One was whenever I was standing and walking around after drinking water, and two is whenever I drink my vitamin waters. I think my stomach may just be protesting having something other than straight water in it, since that’s what it’s gotten used to over the past twelve days.

@Sam Sam – I love animal crackers!!! (^.^) Ohhh I miss them. I shall buy some when I am off my fast. They’re not very high calorie either! Definitely going on my grocery list… Oh seals are adorable, but yeah totally covered in blubber. I would be offended too. Haha. But even worse than a seal… what if someone called me a hippo? O.o I would just die. I’m going to have to hunt for that baby herbal tea stuff. I never go into the baby food aisle at all so I don’t even know what’s other there. *sheepish* Oh don’t you worry, I got plentyyy of sleep last night. I slept a shit ton, probably more than I should have.

@Elly – Awesome! I look forward to having you around more, when you get back from Italy of course. :) I loved that post by the way, and thank you for the mention. It made me feel all fuzzy and shit. Yeahhh… I hate being ill. I just really hate it. Usually I would eat a nice big bowl of warm chicken noodle soup, but nope! Not allowed for another… *calculates in head* …16 days.

@FatBitch – This might sound really lame, but I’ve never even heard of fennel seeds before. I will look into it, though. :) Thank you for the tip. My stomach has been a lot better today. I was barely queasy at all and managed not to throw up.

Day 11 of 28 (Chest pain):

@mlw – I would never throw you out for calling her a bitter bitch, because that’s exactly what she is. lol I can’t think of any other reason for her to be so mean about it, because I’ve never been mean to her. And now she says she’s only eating once a day and she’s lost 5lbs so far (supposedly – I can’t tell). So who the hell is she to bother me about whether or not I’m eating? I mean… hello?!? Once a day is STILL starvation. At least my body is in ketosis so it’s not technically starving at the moment.

@Annie – Aw thanks :) Hopefully I can keep it up for another 16 days.

@FatBitch – I’ll have been there two years next January, and I’m planning to leave next February before my birthday. I’m really aiming for that two year marker, because it looks way better on a resume. My pains seemed to have passed so I’m going to stick with it. If anything serious happens and I NEED to break it then I will. I am just hoping for the best right now and I felt a lot better today. I only told two coworkers about my fast and neither of them have said anything. The rumors and speculation going around at the moment have been started simply from the fact that I’ve noticeably lost so much weight, and some people just can’t mind their own business. No one besides Missy and Malaika actually KNOW for a fact that I’m not eating. I don’t mind long comments at all. I enjoy them actually *hugs back*

@Sarah – Yeah I work at Pizza Hut, so the food there definitely isn’t of the healthy variety. My theory on all the bitchiness is that they’re all (for the most part) middle-aged, overweight, and never going anywhere with their lives. Most of them have been working there for a very long time now, and have no chance of doing other things. Then add to that the fact that I’ve lost so much weight and I’m starting college classes on Monday, and all the bitterness and jealousy comes to the surface. They know I’m going somewhere with my life and I’m sure that pisses them off to no end.

@Gracereturnsslowly – Aww that sounds awful I’m sorry. I personally don’t know how you handle not eating dairy products. I’m not going to lie, I love my dairy. Cottage cheese, milk, eggs, cheese… you name it, I eat it. I used to be a vegetarian for two years, though, when I was younger. My family absolutely hated it and made me start eating meat again. I tried to go back this past year, but I found that I couldn’t. I just love chicken too much now. I hate pork and I’m not particularly fond of fish, and I don’t really eat much beef (maybe an occasional steak), but I just LOVE chicken. I don’t know why. Oh she’s trying to lose weight now. She said she’s only eating one meal a day, so that’s still starvation, which means she has NO right to give me shit about whether or not I’m eating.

@Sammy – Lol go on then! :) I would love to see you reach the 140’s. I would just be so proud. I think with the new plan we talked about today you will do just fine. Just make sure you stay above 500 missy. *waggles finger playfully* Wow… when you say “my child” it’s just weird to me, cuz I’m older than you. *giggles* I love a good chick flick too. I hate being such a baby that I cry, but I love the movies. Vitamin Water Zero is this: Click Me. I personally enjoy that flavor but there are a lot of other flavors too. Awesome stuff. I also drink SmartWater: Click Me. Psssh… I think we might reach it at the same time. I don’t want to be thin before you. I want to be thin with you! lol

@Christina – Yeah, I know you’re right. It’s just hard when the majority of people are making snide comments to you. Have you ever noticed that bullies like to stick together? Well that is definitely the case, and Pizza Hut is full of them. I am trying my very best to be strong through this sometimes challenging process. Being able to come on here and talk to you guys helps a lot. Thanks for being here for me!

@Mia – Well that’s good. I hope you can stay away from purging, because the side effects are just awful (been there – part of my back molar crumbled off). I’m sure you will manage to keep it under control, as long as you don’t get too skinny like you said.

@Run – I’m in complete awe that you’ve fasted for 22 days so far. *admires* That’s just awesome. I’ve noticed the bitchy nurse thing! I deliver to the hospital down the street frequently and they are so rude. Also, every time I’ve visited the hospital because of a family member it seems like the nurse is really bitchy. I don’t get it. They’re supposed to be helping people, which means they should be nice to said people. Maybe they should consider having a stay at the hospital to get the sticks surgically removed from their asses.

@americaneagle – I inspire you? O.o Chica you are so tiny! You inspire ME! Lol It seems you have plenty of willpower. ^^ Wouldn’t that just be hilarious if she did gain a bunch of weight after being a bitch about my weight loss? That would serve her well. Aw yeah it was a great movie. The part where I started crying was when her dad bought them a house as a wedding gift. I was just like: omg that’s so sweet… *sobs* hahaha

Day 11 of 28 (Chest pain)

I woke up this morning with a dry mouth and throat again. This is so frustrating. I wake up like this almost every single morning now. (>.<) Rawr. The good news is that my scale said 159.4, so I’m officially into the 150’s now. *does a little dance* I’m still kind of half asleep at the moment. *yawns* I’m debating whether or not to go back to sleep for an hour or to watch some movies. I have to work at 4 pm today. I’ve enjoyed my mini vacation and I’m not looking forward to going back, especially to night shift where everyone’s an asshole. I found out one of the waitresses, who I used to be pretty close to, has been talking shit about my weight lately.

I told one of my friends I’ve lost 60lbs since high school (it’s 66lbs now) and apparently she’s been going around saying: “There’s no way she’s lost 60lbs.” Fuck her. Yes I have. When I was in high school I weighed 225. When I started working at Pizza Hut in January of 2010 I was around 200. That means I’ve lost 41lbs just since I’ve been there, most of which was just recently. I was back to 194 earlier this year. Fuck that bitch. She acts like a friend to my face and then turns around and talks shit. And who is she to talk? She’s got a huge tire hanging around her middle, and it’s WAY more noticeable than my fat. I’m not even kidding. She’s short with a giant roll in the middle. At least I’m tall and it’s spread out.

Sorry for my mini rant. That just made me really mad. I never do anything against those people in there. I always try to be really nice but they’re still mean to me, except for a few of them. The only people who aren’t mean to me are Brittany, Missy, Malaika, Mildred, and Briana. Everyone else is fucking rude, despite my best efforts to be friends. I’ve decided I don’t care to be friends with them if this is how they treat me. Why would I want to be friends with people who constantly put me down and talk about me? I’m tired of being treated like a doormat and taking it with a smile. No more.

Update:

I ended up watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding for the first time, and it was great. I actually got teary eyed at the end cuz I’m a big sap. Then I took a mini nap before work. I just got home a few minutes ago. I was scheduled 4-9 but that bitch Sheree kept me past 10, even though we only had a few deliveries on the screen (like 3) and she had 2 other drivers there who were scheduled to work later than me. That shit pisses me off. Anyway, it was a stressful day. I got a massive headache as soon as I left my apartment and it continued until this past hour. I ended up drinking two Vitamin Water Zeros with electrolytes for energy, and they maybe helped a little, but not very much.

I almost broke today ladies. It wasn’t because of actual hunger, the hunger pains were actually absent today, but because I had some wicked bad cravings. I couldn’t stop obsessing over all kinds of junk food I wanted to eat, and I almost snapped when I had a delivery with several chicken wing orders on it. The mild sauce smell just wafted through my car so temptingly. I managed not to cave but it was a close call. I find myself wondering now whether I’m strong enough to do this. I hope so. With the hunger pains and nausea not present, of course I had to gain other problems to make up for them. One was the headache and the other was a chest/lung pain that started up at work. Every time I took a breath it hurt, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. I also got really tired and really sensitive to bright light and loud noise.

I feel a lot better now that I’m at home in my bed, but I have problem coming up: my general manager wants me to work 10 hours straight on Sunday. Fuck my life. I don’t know how I’m going to survive that shit. I also have to open tomorrow. In other news, I think I made a really big mistake telling people at work that I wanted to lose weight (this was a while back). Now that I’ve noticeably lost weight everyone is noticing, and the rumors have started to fly. One of the waitresses, the same bitch who talks behind my back, asked me today if I’m developing an eating disorder and accused me of not eating. I lied my ass off, went into detail about a huge sandwich I’d had before work. I think she bought it. It might get her off my back for a little while at least. I’m going to have to think up something to trick them for the remainder of the month. Maybe carry around an open bag of chips in my hand or something. Pizza Hut is worse than high school as far as gossip goes, and this is the last thing I need everyone talking about. *sigh*

I’m going to catch up on blogs and do my replies tomorrow probably, because I'm really tired at the moment. I think I’m going to just lay back in my bed and watch some mindless TV until I fall asleep. Night everyone. I hope your days went better than mine. Stay strong lovelies!

I hate bad weather. (Replies)

Sorry for posting three times in one day on you guys. I just love to write everything down here. Maybe someday if I want to be nostalgic I can look back and see what my life was like.

So do you know what’s really fucking weird? One minute it was bright, sunny, hot, and dry, and the next minute it was windy, rainy, and our city’s tornado alert was going off. Then it was bright, sunny, hot, and dry again, not even an hour later. Wtf is that about? I really hate the weather here sometimes (most of the time).

My friends/coworkers just left a little while ago. We went to the pool and stayed out there for a couple of hours. Not much actual swimming got accomplished, but we did play a strange variation of pool volleyball with my beach ball. Then we mostly just lounged in the water and talked. I can’t believe we stayed out there that long without realizing it. I guess that’s what happens when the conversation is good.

Now I’m back in my apartment, in bed, about to watch some movies. I showered, of course. I can’t stand the smell or feel of chlorine on my skin. I’m going to watch Aladdin first and then probably Austin Powers. After that I will probably give Prince of Persia a shot on my instant Netflix because my friends said it was good.

I threw up again earlier. I went to take the trash out and started feeling nauseous, so I came back inside and curled up on my bed, and the next thing I’m bolting for the bathroom and chucking up stomach bile in the sink. It hurt and it was gross, like sickly yellow, because it was basically pure stomach acid. Ugh. I would take some Tums but I don’t think I’m allowed on a water fast? I dunno… At least this has only happened twice in ten days.

I’ll do my replies really quick, in order of arrival, and then I’m off to watch my movies. :)

@Sammy (on Progress Pics) - Thanks! The next ones won't be for a while. I like to try and keep them 20lbs apart because the difference is more noticeable that way. If I stick to that rule then the next ones will be at 140. Ahahaha. Well at least I covered them. ^^ I don't have the self-confidence to show them off like some girls on here. I am not that brave.

@STFUsarah (on Day 9 of 28) - Thank you for the tip. I will have to go there and check on that. :)

@Hope to be thin (on Day 10 of 28) - Thank you hun, and it's not always easy getting around and doing things. There was a lot of sweating and panting involved. I was so tired when I got home. We definitely WILL reach our goals. :D

@Sammy (on Day 10 of 28) - I would rather be a dolphin than a giraffe ;P Cuz dolphins are so cute and playful. And hey! Rabbits are adorable too, missy. I used to have pet bunnies. They were so cuuuuuute! ^^ They make herbal tea specifically for babies? Really? O.o Wow. I did not know that. lol I think your phone was being a meanie today. I was online, damn it. :( I wanted to talk to you.

@FatBitch (on Progress Pics) - Yeah definitely. I don't want someone I know finding them and sending them to everyone they know. School starts for me next Monday.

@kes (on Day 10 of 28) - Yeah it was a chore for sure. I sweated a lot and was soooo tired when I got home. I can't believe that guy was such a douche. Ugh.

@Elly (on Vlog 2) - Aww thanks ^^ I don't really think I'm that brave, though. I believe this was my first time hearing from you. Yayyy! lol

@missinsanity. (on Day 10 of 28) - Yeah, people like that really piss me off. They're so fucking lazy they can't even do their job, and how hard is it to drive around a fucking bus all day? It's not. I deliver pizzas so I know driving isn't that difficult. He doesn't even have to get out of the bus at every stop like I do. Fuck those lazy assholes.

@missinsanity. (on Progress Pics) - Thanks and LMAO!!!!

@mlw (on Day 10 of 28) - Me tooooo. I wish there was a way we could just get rid of all the rude people in the world. It would be a better place if everyone was nice.

Day 10 of 28 (Update)

Good news girls! I got my books today at the university. Wooo! I’m so glad that’s taken care of. The bad news: It was fucking hot as hell outside and those books are heavy. I thought I was going to die, and my water bottle was empty, and my mouth and throat were really dry. Then the campus shuttle bus driver wanted to be an asshole. It was parked at the curb outside of the bookstore and I asked if he could drop me down in front of the parking garage. He gave me this look and said, “It’s right there.” Bit of an exaggeration. It was down a long fucking hill and it was really hot outside. My reply was, “Yeah, but these are really heavy.” Then I started walking because he was being a jerk.

Anyway, I managed to get to my car and grabbed the gallon jug out of the passenger side. Ahhhh… relief. I stopped by the post office on the way home to drop off my Netflix and then came the daunting task of carrying all that shit up to my apartment. I live upstairs and my arms were FULL. Then, when I got to my door, arms overflowing with crap, I dropped.my.fucking.keys. I’m so amazing, right? I nearly collapsed when I got to my room, and then I went and took a nice looooong bath. I’m so glad I scrubbed my tub yesterday so I could lie down in it without feeling like I was sitting in a sespool of germs. I used scented bath salts and a natural sea salt body wash. I feel so much better now.

My coworkers are supposed to come over in a bit to go swimming with me, but I feel so sleepy. *yawns* I might have to take a nap first. lol I posted progress pics earlier, but I’m not sure you want to actually look at those. I’m kind of a whale at the moment. Hopefully it won’t be too long before I shrink to dolphin size. haha I guess I'll go ahead and do replies now before I take my nap.

@Sammy - Cheer up hun, you will get out of the 150s. We are for sure going to do the baby food diet together ^^ I've made up my mind. lol I used to be a really picky eater as well, but recently I've broadened my selection. I'm trying to be more open-minded with food, especially healthy food, so I can have more than just a limited selection.

@Sticks - Yeah, I agree the water fast is the best way to go, also for the cleansing qualities. I like knowing that my body is getting all shiny and clean on the inside. The only reason I might try a juice fast in the near future is to give my body a bit of a break. I don't want to overdo it, you know? Too much of anything generally isn't good.

@Christina - I'm going to give one of the avocados to my coworkers when they come over later. I can't give them both away at once or my dad will suspect something, because there's no way I would go through two avocados in one day. I'm desperately hoping the skim milk won't go bad if I leave it in the fridge unopened. What do you think? Do you think it might keep past the use by date if I don't open it?

@Mia - Ah, well that explains it. *nods* You're right. I'm definitely not ungrateful. He just didn't know and has bad timing. I will pay him back, though, by buying him some food. :) When you said you can stop freaking out now I'm guessing you're referring to the comment I left on your blog? lol No problem, just passing the information along. Aww... I'm sorry. I've always had them. I got my period and my boobs really early, like at age 9 or 10 (I can't remember which).

@Clear Girl - I disagree, but thank you anyway. :) My underwear have cupcakes on them! ^^ I know I'm weird, but I like underwear with cute designs and pastries. lol As for the fasting, I really can't give you any kind of magic formula because I don't have one. It seriously comes down to nothing more than raw willpower. I want to do this and I WILL finish it. I know that's not easy for most people. I guess I just reached my snapping point and said to myself: cut the crap, pull it together.

160.2 & Progress Pics

Sooooo guys... here they are! I know I am still an enormous cow *shamed* but it's better than I looked at 180. I'm decidedly paranoid that someone I know outside of here will find these (idk why they'd be on this site to begin with - but you never know) and use them against me somehow, so I've cropped my head off.

Front view: sucked in (right) and not sucked in (left) - really not much of a difference there.


Side view: sucked in (right) and not sucked in (left)


Now I just need to get dressed and ready to go, because I'm going back to the university today to try and get my books. I will update later with how it goes. Wish me luck!

Day 9 of 28 (161.0 & Thinspo)

I forgot to tell all of you lovelies yesterday that when I went to Britt’s house I tried on her size ten pants… and they fit! They were a bit tight around the middle, but not by much. Another few pounds and they would be perfect. I’m so excited. Of course, I’m still a larger size in jeans because they cut them differently for some reason. I wish all clothing was just cut the same so you’d always know what size to look for in the store. Also, when we were at Walmart, I bought a new bathroom scale and a new food scale (a better one than I have). I also got a juicer in case I decide to do a juice fast in the near future. I don’t think I really needed a new bathroom scale, but I wanted one. The one I have is kind of old and dirty and I just wanted a new one. *shrugs*

Today I have to try and fix my laptop. A piece fell off the bottom like a week ago and I’ve been just super lazy about it. I need to find a little itty bitty screwdriver to put it back on. I think my dad might have one in his toolbox in the storage closet. Urgh. That means digging around and moving boxes. Joy. I thought progress pictures would be today, but the scale said 161.2 this morning, so nope. I re-weighed a few minutes ago and it said 161.0, which still isn’t 160. I’m not cheating my system. I will wait for 160. I’m really pissed off that I can’t have 160 RIGHTNOW. Meh.

Hunger pains tried to keep me awake last night. They struck with a vengeance before I went to bed. I rolled around, trying to get comfortable, and the growling and gnawing just got worse and worse. I finally managed to doze off but I kept waking up. It was so uncomfortable. I finally did manage to get some good sleep, though, so that’s a relief. I made it through the night and now I’m on day 9. Woo! I haven’t been drinking as much water as I should. Note to self: drink much more so you don’t get totally dehydrated.

I’ve started my laundry. I have three loads to do today. My dad did the nicest thing and now I feel like shit. He bought me avocados and skim milk, because he knows I love them. He doesn’t eat avocados and he definitely doesn’t drink skim milk, and now I feel terrible because they’re sitting in the fridge and I can’t eat them and I feel like he wasted his money. What the hell am I going to do? I feel like a terrible person right now, because I couldn’t just fess up and tell him I’m fasting so he wouldn’t buy any food. I didn’t ask him to, but he’s trying to be nice. I guess I will just have to cook for him. I rarely do, but it will be my thank you. Maybe tomorrow during the day I will peel and boil some potatoes (he bought a whole bag). I can make it look like I’ve eaten some of the food I guess, but in actuality I will just make some healthy snacks and give them to my coworkers. At least it will get eaten that way and not thrown away. I still feel horrible, like I want to curl up into a little ball.

I spoke to the people in the university bookstore on the phone a little while ago. They said my name STILL isn’t on the Early Book Program list, but there’s good news. If I get a signed copy of my invoice from the Bursar’s Office showing I have a reimbursement coming, then they can manually put me on the list. YES! I feel so relieved. Now I just have to drag my lazy arse out of the apartment to do it. I’m thinking today might be my lazy day since I was busy all of yesterday, so I may just do it tomorrow. I haven’t decided yet. I still want to vacuum and clean my bathroom today, but I don’t know if that will even happen. I’m quite enjoying just lying in my bed at the moment. We’ll see.

On a positive note, I’ve started my new tooth care regimen. I bought some Crest 3D White toothpaste that I’ll be using alongside my regular. I figure I’ll brush my teeth with the regular in the morning (because I don’t want it to go to waste) and rinse with my Scope mouthwash. Then in the afternoon I will rinse again. Then at night I will brush with my Crest 3D White and then floss and rinse again. I looked into getting the whitening strips and the kit they had at the store was like $50. I was just like… no. lol We’ll see how my routine goes and if I see any progress. I’ve flossed maybe two times in the last year, so doing it every day will be a chore for me. I want whiter and cleaner teeth, though, so I’m just going to have to buckle down.

I guess I’ll do some replies now and then post some thinspo. I’ve been finding really awesome pics lately.

@Sophie – Thanks! I try :) I’m really excited to get to my rewards. It’s definitely motivation.

@FatBitch – Aww… Thanks. I actually didn’t know I’d be okay working, but I hoped I would be. That one day was freaking terrible, though. I hope I don’t have any more days like that. I’m glad we’re blogger friends too. ^^

@Annie – Meeeee toooo lol I hate feeling crappy. Thanks hun.

@Bonjour Bones! – Thank you. I hope your fast goes well if you end up doing it. :) If you do I will definitely follow it and support you 100%.

@Mia – I tried looking up those pills and I couldn’t find anything about on them online. Oh well. I don’t seem to need any help right now so I should be good. I was mainly just curious. lol I have heard the noodles work miracles. I’m very excited to try them after my fast. Thanks for commenting!

@Sammy – *grins* Thank you, thank you. You always flatter me so. I don’t deserve it. lol Pizza is definitely evil. Rawr. That’s the problem most people have whilst eating pizza. Once you start you just don’t want to stop. I see people come into the lunch buffet and eat plates and plates of pizza and then some breadsticks, and then some cinnamon sticks, and then some pasta on top of that, all while guzzling down cup after cup of soda… and it’s no wonder they weigh like 300+ pounds. LMAO! Your comment about being nonexistent made me laugh. Yeah, I know I have a baby face. I’m sure I will be very grateful when I’m forty. Haha. As always, it was nice to hear from you. (^.^) Thankies!

@Christina – I know, right?!? You’d think they’d have their shit together a little bit better, but nope. I have to jump through all kinds of hoops just to get shit done, which isn’t even my job to do! The financial aid department was supposed to take care of all of this. *grumbles* I guess I’m going to go back over there tomorrow and get it all sorted. I don’t feel like leaving my apartment today. I have no idea where the energy came from either. At one point when I was walking I felt like dying, because my insides were hurting so badly, but then the pain disappeared and I made it where I was going. Whew! I was planning on taking pics today, but I didn’t reach the weight I wanted so I guess that’s waiting until tomorrow.

@[ChildofApathy] – It was definitely awful, but it’s done for now and I’m feeling much better, other than my persistently runny nose. I just don’t know what to do about it. Yeah, I can tell my face is slowly slimming down. A coworker of mine mentioned it the other day and I was like: Wow. Is it that obvious? lol

@Clear Girl – Thank you and thank you. :D I do so love compliments. lol

I’ve decided I will do thinspo themes. Today’s theme is short shorts, because I love them and can’t wait until I can wear them without shame.















UPDATE:

I got all my cleaning done. Woo hoo! I did my laundry, changed my sheets, vacuumed my room, swept my bathroom floor, shook out the bathroom rugs outside, dusted, scrubbed the toilet, scrubbed the bathtub, scrubbed the sink and counter top, cleaned the mirrors, and cleaned the drains with Drain-o. I feel so accomplished. :) Now I'm going to watch Stuart Little 2 and relax for a bit. Ciao bellas!

Day 8 of 28 (Vlog 2)

The scale said 161.6 this morning. *does a happy dance* Only 1.6lbs to go until progress pics! :D The gross diarrhea seems to have stopped today. I hope it doesn’t come back because I just don’t need to deal with that while I’m out and about, trying to get stuff done. I just have SO much to do today! *dies* I took some cold medicine last night before bed because my nose has been running like a leaky faucet for the last two and a half days, but it only does it when I’m standing or sitting up, and it’s not stuffed. I can breathe just fine. Bizarre, right? O.o The meds don’t seem to have done any good and I don’t have any other cold symptoms, so I guess I don’t have a cold… This is just weird. I guess I better run along now and get started on my to-do list. *le sigh* I will update later lovelies.

Update:

I did another vlog for you guys :) I have to apologize ahead of time because I do NOT look fabulous. lol My voice is cracking and I still have a bit of a runny nose, which I hate, hate, hate. At least there was no vomiting or diarrhea today. That was a plus. Anyway, here is my video. Please don't judge me for looking like crapola.



@missinsanity. - lol! Well you might not puke, you never know... I hope you don't anyway. It was gross. I feel a lot better today than yesterday. It's cool that you started ahead of time ^^ I hope it goes really well for you.

@Sammy - hahaha - that foul beast. *shakes head* Silly thing. It is sometimes hard for me to resist the pizza, I will admit, because I used to love it soooo much. Now I just have to breathe deep and remind myself that what I want in the long run is more important that a slice of pizza now. I can have a slice when I'm thinner and then I can go work it off at the gym. lol I wish I didn't have to do anything for the next few weeks and I could just lounge around and watch TV. *sigh* At least I'm off of work for two more days. Woo!

@Christina - hehe ^^ I know... I get bored and antsy so easily when I'm at home and not working, and my blog is kind of like my personal playground. I feel like I can say pretty much whatever I want and it's a safe environment. I don't feel like I will be judged as harshly as I would in RL.

@STFUsarah - Aw! I didn't even know you were reading my blog regularly. ^^ Of course I don't mind. Thankies!

Early Morning Post (Replies!)

Hello to all my lovelies ^^

So, the hunger pains have attacked. The gnawing in my stomach is persevering, despite my best efforts to ignore it, but I will not break my fast on its whims. I am stronger than that. I hope today is finding you all quite well and successful in your endeavors. I figured it’s about time I got around to the replies I’ve been dallying on, so here goes. Also, if you commented on more than one post you may want to scroll through the list, because I’m replying individually to each comment on each post that I’m behind on.

@Hope to be thin (on Day 6 of 28) – I would never suggest a severely restrictive diet to anyone else either. I know a lot about health stuff, I just don’t always choose to implement it for myself. I guess I’m more cautious with other people because I don’t know their limits or self control. I know my limits and how to read my body, so I know when to stop if I’m going too far with something. Plus, I would never want to push an ED on anyone else, especially my friends. I don’t want them looking at their bodies like I look at mine.

@Nasimiyu (on Video Post) – Thanks! And wow… Yeah I don’t understand how people can let themselves get to 300+ pounds and still not do anything about it. His eating habits definitely explain why he is that way, though. Go figure.

@Sammy (on Video Post) – I used to be addicted to caffeine. Coca Cola was my drink of choice, but I had to give it up. It made me fat and gave me TONS of cavities. My old dentist got really mad at me because I came in one year with eight new ones! He told me I had to seriously cut back on the soda because I have soft teeth. Coffee definitely makes you lose weight fast because it’s a natural diuretic, but most of it is water weight unfortunately. I guess losing water weight is better than losing no weight at all. lol Water is good for you, though. It’s your friend. You should learn to love it. I promise it won’t hurt you ;P Awwww *blushes* Thankies, that’s sweet. And I’m gay, by the way, so I won’t shun you for liking girls. Haha. That would make me some crazy kind of hypocrite.

@missinsanity. (on Video Post) – I guess I will have to give you guys another video post sometime then. :D I’m sure you will be strong as long as you avoid that double-crossing diet-sabotage friend of yours. Me no likey. Thanks! Gosh I love all the compliments. You guys sure are feeding my ego here. Hahaha. Ohhh... do they really work for whitening teeth, though? There are so many gimmicks out there for teeth whitening. It’s something I will definitely have to look into. I remember seeing the commercials years ago on TV, when they first came out. The only problem I’m thinking I will encounter is that I have a lip piercing, and I don’t know if that would get in the way or not… but I can’t take it out for two hours or it’ll close up. :/

@FatBitch (on Video Post) – I checked out the link and it was an interesting listen, though his voice kind of gets on my nerves. He speaks slowly and quietly, and kind of strangely. Still interesting. I’m doing a different kind of fast than him, though. I’m not using enemas or drinking veggie broth or anything – strictly water. Also, I think it’s INSANE that he paid like $300 for that shit! What?!? Nooooo thank you. lol Mostly I’ve just been sleepy and low on energy thus far… probably because I’m still in the detox phase. My body seems to be taking longer to get through it. Maybe I have a lot of toxins built up that need to come out? *shruggle*

@Christina (on Video Post) – I know! I’m so excited about how much I’m losing. I did some figuring today to find out how much I’ve lost so far on my fast. I was 172 the day before I started the fast and I was 162 yesterday morning. So that means I’ve lost 10lbs in 7 days!!! I really hope I can keep this up, but I know that’s an unrealistic hope. At some point during the fast my body is bound to slow down its consumption of fat a little bit and then my losses will be slower. I can always dream, though…
I’m glad you liked my first video post. I was nervous to see the reaction, but so far it’s been very positive. Thank you for the compliments. ^^ I just hope I can get my teeth to that pretty pearly white shade. It’s going to take some work, more than just brushing. I’m probably going to go to the dentist soon to get them cleaned and see what kind of whitening treatments they have available. If it’s too expensive I’ll have to try some store-bought stuff. I hear some of it really works.

@Hope to be thin (on Video Post) – I was always real, silly! lol But I know what you mean. :) I wish more people on here did video posts. It would definitely make everything come alive.

@A Girl with Tiny Intentions (on Video Post) – Yup. I’m 100% real. I am officially not some psycho robot. lol I hope they use my advice too. Today at work I checked up with them and they both said they ate a healthier breakfast than usual using the tips I gave them. I’m so proud! *beams* I hope they see some real progress.

@A Girl with Tiny Intentions (on Day 7 of 28) – Definitely messy, but I’d rather it be out than in. I had more of it to deal with when I got home and it was NOT pretty. I wonder how long it’s going to take before it’s all gone. :/ Yes, I agree. I appreciate compliments from people but when they start to nag and whisper their opinions it gets annoying and old, really fast.

@Sammy (on Day 7 of 28) – Aw, I appreciate your concern sweets. Don’t think I wasn’t tempted. At one point I was cutting the pizzas coming out of the oven and they just smelled heavenly. I had to take a step back and collect myself. Stuart Little is awesome! Such a cute little mouse ^^ I want one. lol Not for real, though, because real mice are not that cute and clean, and they definitely don’t talk. haha *hugs back* I hope today goes better as well. It’s looking like it’s going to be a very busy day…

@FatBitch (on Day 7 of 28) – I think what happened yesterday qualifies as the grossest thing I’ve ever done. I seriously had no control over my bodily functions and that freaks me out. Ick. You are most certainly welcome. I am more than willing to pass on what I’ve learned to anyone who’s interested in hearing it. I weighed 225lbs in high school and I’ve had my ups and downs since then, but it’s taught me a lot about what works and what doesn’t. The body is a strange, strange machine and so picky about what we do with it.

Day 7 of 28 (F*** my life!)

Warning: This post is going to contain a lot of profanity and TMI. If you have sensitive eyes you probably shouldn't read it, m'kay kiddies?

Today was a fucking shit sandwich, the runny, disgusting cowpie kind with giant steaming horse shit balls on top. It sucked. I woke up feeling crappy with no energy, so I left the house early to go to Walmart, where I picked up a few bottles of Vitamin Water Zero and Sobe Lifewater Zero because they have electrolytes. I checked the labels to make sure they didn't use aspartame and it turns out they both use all natural sweeteners and fruits. Yay! I'm officially part of the anti-aspartame revolution, which means no diet anything. That includes light nonfat yogurts, because they also use aspartame, which our bodies physically can't break down. I just don't think it's beneficial to load my body up with extra chemicals when it can't even process them, ya know?

Anyway, I took one of the Sobes out and opened it, planning to drink it slowly over the course of a few hours, but as soon as I tasted that natural fruit taste on my tongue, after only having plain water for a week, I lost it. That bitch was gone in under a minute - all 20 fl oz. I got a bit of a tummy ache after that, from drinking too much, too fast. Then I went into work, still feeling like a leech had drained all of the life force out of me, and it only spiraled downward from there. I'm quite fortunate that my day shift coworkers are very understanding and that two of them (one of them being the morning manager) know about my water fast and are supporting me. Instead of asking me to do anything strenuous in the store or go outside in the heat, I was allowed to just grab a chair from the dining room and sit in the delivery station hallway thingy.

I folded lots of boxes and answered the phones, all while sitting down. Woo! But I still didn't feel any better. In fact, every time I stood up or had to take a delivery I felt like I was going to pass out, puke, or both. By the afternoon it got so bad we actually stopped taking deliveries. They covered for me and started telling people we didn't have a driver in - awww! I love my day shift friends. Well, to move the story along, it turns out that my body has FINALLY decided to carry on with the full detox cycle. What happened to me today usually happens during the first few days, not on the seventh. It started in the morning when I suddenly felt the need to use the restroom, and I ended up ejecting this disgusting slime. Yeah... it was barf-worthy.

That happened another few times into the afternoon. Then, about an hour or so before I was supposed to go home, I used the restroom and when I was going to wash my hands I puked up watered down stomach bile into the sink. While puking uncontrollably, I felt like I was about to shit my pants with that slime stuff again, so I ran back to the stall and sat down stat. I ended up simultaneously shitting and puking, and since my ass was on the toilet seat, guess where the vomit went? All over the wall, the toilet paper dispenser, and the floor. It also got on my pants. Man, that was SO much fun to clean up! Not. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was so disgusted and exhausted that I went straight to bed and curled up into a little ball.

A little while later I heard my dad come home with groceries (I could tell because I could hear the rustling of plastic bags and the opening of cabinets in the kitchen). No doubt he's going to try and shove some of that food down my throat... meh. Shortly after that it began to rain. Not a little rain, but basically the Atlantic decided to fall out of the sky, and there's thunder too. I really don't like storms, and I'm one of those people that has irrational fears. When it's raining really bad like this I get really paranoid that the ground is going to turn to slush and that the buildings are going to sink down into it and the roads are going to crack open and the cars will fall in.

Like right now I'm going fucking ape shit worrying about whether my apartment building is going to sink into the ground, and whether or not the wood is going to get so wet that it splits and the walls collapse and I die. When driving in the rain the whole roads-opening-up thing hits me pretty hard, too. I get super jumpy and nervous. *sigh* I have so much to do tomorrow. I have to pay my car payment, go to CSU to pick up my parking pass and buy my textbooks, and then I have to pick up my best friend so we can both get our paychecks from Pizza Hut. Then we'll have to cash/deposit them and I told her I'd take her to the store since she needs some things and she doesn't have a car.

After that we're supposed to go to her sister's house and watch some movies, but I don't know how long I'm going to stay over there. For one, that already sounds like a really long day to me and if tomorrow is anything like today was... oh buddy. Two, her house is in the poorer side of town and there are lots of bugs - I HATE bugs. They freak me the fuck out. But they're my friends and that's all they can afford, and I don't want to be rude, so I will have to spend some time with them. It's hard for them to pick up and come over to my place because they'd have to bring all three babies with them. I think that's about all I have to talk about at the moment... *taps chin* Hmmm... what else?

I was 162 this morning and my size 12 pants are getting too big on me. I just bought them like two weeks ago, so that's pretty cool, although kind of a waste of money. :/ One benefit of going to Britt's tomorrow is that I can try on her size 10 pants. We wear the same brand of work pants so it'll be interesting to see if I can go down a size yet. Normally I wear really baggy clothes to work because our GM (General Manager) like refuses to give me smaller clothes, but today I wore a medium shirt with my loose 12 pants (cuz she doesn't come in on Mondays until after I leave ;P) and I got a hell of a reaction. A small note for my foreign viewers: UK sizes are 2 ahead of US and AU sizes are 4 ahead of US. So a US 10 is a UK 12 and an AU 14.

Nicky (one of our waitress - middle-aged African American woman) took one look at me and said, "You don't need to lose any more weight, baby doll. You're good just like that." Inwardly I scoffed and said, "Bullshit!" but outwardly I kept a neutral face. I weigh 162 pounds! I'm still overweight by 3lbs for my height. Ugh. She has a bigger fat roll than me, though, so I guess to her I'm thin. The other day one of the drivers, Mark, looked at me and asked, "Why are you losing weight again?" I was sort of taken aback by this and said, "Because I want to..."

Then we got into this whole big conversation about how most people find it hard to lose weight and how he doesn't think I'm fat and how he hopes I haven't stopped eating. That was sort of an uncomfortable conversation for me. I've had coworkers throw around suggestions like that around me and behind my back. Stuff like: she must not be eating, or, she's developing an eating disorder worrying about food like that. I guess I really need to work on hiding my eating habits - or lack thereof - a bit better. I so don't need that shit on top of everything else right now.

Okay, so that's it now, I promise. Sorry for the long post and ranting, lovelies. I hope you are all fabulous and reaching your goals! *blows kisses* Replies will come in my next post. I'm going to go watch Stuart Little now ^^ I got it in the mail today from Netflix. Ciao!

- Crash

Video post! :)

@kes - My stomach seems to be losing inches faster than my leg/ass area. I don't know why it won't just shrink the way I want it too. It sucks. I told my coworkers not to blame me, and that willpower is everything. It's true. If they want to do it they will. I gave them the information they need, and they can use it or not. *shruggle* I won't take the blame for their failures if they don't stick to it. I hope you are doing well. :)

@Sammy - Water fasts are definitely not the easiest thing in the world. My food addiction problem was the biggest hurdle honestly. I kept thinking about all the foods I wanted, and it's rough working in a food place. I also have my dad constantly trying to shove food at me, but I'm sticking with this. I will come out on the other end thinner and happier than I was before. It will be worth it.

Yeah I don't understand how they can be happy that way either. I ran their BMIs through a calculator when they were over and one was obese and the other was morbidly obese. Disgusting. Not just for the fact that they're big, but also for the strain it's putting on their bodies. I would like to live a long time and not put myself at risk for heart attacks and such. If they don't lose weight they're going to be on the same health pills as my dad when they get older, if they make it that long.

@missinsanity. - I don't mind at all :) I'm glad I'm entertaining. LMFAO at your mini conversation there. hahahaha That night I dreamed about sucking the juice out of the orange and trying to purge it back up, I woke up and I could've sworn I tasted orange. Fucking weird. We don't have oranges in the house, though. lol

Day 6 of 28 (long post & replies)

I dreamed about food again. A LOT of fucking food. I was an absolute, disgusting pig in my dream and I woke up panicked. I'm so relieved to know I didn't actually eat any of that. I felt so helpless in my sleep, but I'm in control when I'm awake. Damn subconscious. I took my measurements this morning and have posted them on the side bar. I lost a few inches so I'm proud of myself, but I'm really mad that my ass (and the part on the side of my legs that goes around to my ass) isn't getting ANY smaller! How can I expect to fit in cute jeans if I can't get them over my enormous backside? I want one of those cute, tiny asses that's just the right size to make two handfuls. Anyway, the scale said 164-something and then I peed again, so I weighed again and it said 163-something, but I don't know if I totally believe that. I think it was just all the water coming out. I'm sticking with 164 for now.

I have some coworkers coming over later today. They both want to join the Air Force to get away from Pizza Hut, but the AF has pretty strict weight requirements. You would never get through basic training if you're overweight - it's that intense, and every military branch we have is required to undergo basic (Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, etc.). Anyway, one of them needs to lose just under 100lbs and the other needs to lose just over 100lbs, just to be in the normal weight range. I am, believe it or not, one of the thinner people at PH. It's sad how many of them just let themselves go after they started working there. It's the food choices they make. *shakes head*

My point is, they're coming over because they asked for help in losing weight. I know a ton about healthy eating and exercise, even if I don't always personally use that knowledge. I've written up guides for both of them with nutrition and exercise tips and tricks, and I'll be walking them both through different steps they'll need to take on their journey to lose weight. I'm going to make them do this the healthy way. They don't know about my personal food issues and they don't need to be dragged down with me, so I'm keeping it legit. I just hope they will take my advice seriously and not give up on themselves, because willpower is the biggest key in losing weight. I hope they have it in massive amounts for how much they need to lose.

They're not interested in being thin at all. The only reason they want to lose weight at all is to join the AF, and they're only willing to lose the minimum they need to, so they can be at the top of the normal weight range and make it through basic. I don't understand that kind of thinking personally, but to each their own. I won't be able to do a video post today because it's Sunday, which means my dad is off work, and since he has NO social life he will be here all day in front of the TV. I hate having a roommate sometimes. I also need to take out my trash because there's a little pile of food in it now consisting of brussels sprouts, onions, and mushy cereal - my lovely little lies.

My dad commented AGAIN today on how much water I'm drinking. He was all: you know too much water can be toxic, right? NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK! It's not like he's been over my shoulder watching how much I drink, though, so how would he fucking know how much I've had to drink? Also, I use a water calculator to find out how much water is healthy for me on a daily basis. Also, I'm on a water fast, so I need to drink more than usual anyway. ALSO, it's more about how much you drink at one time. You can get away with drinking a LOT of water as long as you drink it gradually. I don't just sit there and chug a gallon at a time, jeez.

And who is he to think he can give me any kind of health advice? He weighs over 220lbs and sits on his ass all day doing nothing about it, and his health is terrible. His doctor told him he needs to lose weight for his heart health but does he listen? No. He'll act like he's going to change his eating habits for a little while, then he'll fall back into the same pattern and gain weight all over again. So he does not need to be telling me anything about my weight.

It's kind of a sensitive issue for me because in high school he used to tell me all the time that I needed to lose weight. He would say things like: You're going to get as big as a house. How the fuck can anyone think that's a helpful thing to say to a teenage girl? It didn't help me. It gave me self-esteem and confidence issues. It made me feel like an elephant. I blame him for a lot, I really do. He doesn't know how to talk to people without being offensive. He doesn't know how to express his opinions in a way that isn't hurtful to others, and I think part of that has rubbed off on me. I hate how harsh and blunt I can be sometimes, because I know it alienates me and makes some people not like me. I get it from him, and that fills me with resentment.

I'm sorry for all my ramblings. This turned out to be a much longer post than I expected. I'm going to shut up now and get back to watching Bones. If you left a comment on either of my last two posts then check below. I've replied to each of you individually. *scurries off*

@Hope to be thin - I do carry some relatively heavy things at my job, so that could explain why my height in the evening is much less than in the morning. All of the pressure on my spine could definitely squish it down. My throat is actually feeling much better this morning! :)

@Mia - I'm sure everything will work itself out eventually. If you guys had a strong friendship before it may be possible to get that back. It will just take time and effort on both of your parts.

@Nasimiyu - I know! Isn't it great?!? I love getting through my goals :D I'm hoping I will be around 150 at the end of my fast *crosses fingers* Sorry for the scare, I changed my URL because I got tired of this one. I guess I will just leave it be, though, since no one could find me. :/

@mlw - Sorry! Stupid blogger apparently doesn't know how to re-route people when you change your URL *grumble*

@FatBitch - I will do a vid post soon, I promise. :) Check out this post for more information on fasts: Water Fast. The links I provided there aren't only good for water fasts. They will also lead you to information on juice fasts. I think you will find the middle link particularly helpful. Good luck and let me know if you decide to do it!

@Gracereturnsslowly - Aww hun I'm sorry! I'm sure you will do better. You just have to really believe in yourself. Willpower is everything. Stay strong - I believe in you! I saw your picture post, by the way, and I think you look great. :)

@missinsanity. - Oy... yeah I hate them. I don't know how it's possible, but I guess we've just completely shattered the belief that you can only get them after eating. *shruggle* The body is a strange, strange machine sometimes... Video blog soon ^^

@Christina - I don't mind your ramblings. As witnessed above, I tend to ramble a lot too sometimes. :) Greek is freaking AMAZING! I thought when I first saw the TV ads, like when it first came out, that I would hate it. It took me a long time to actually give it a chance, and it turns I LOVE IT! :D I would definitely recommend giving it a watch.

My Blog Wasn't Removed

Sorry guys! I changed my URL briefly, hence the confusion. I didn't know it would say it was removed. I figured it would be smart enough to just redirect - go figure. Anyway, it's back to the original now. More updates later.

Hiccups, Acid Reflux, and Massive Rain

So... I've been hiccuping and having acid reflux all day. O.o I don't know how to explain this, because those two things usually only happen when you eat... On a positive note, I didn't dream about food at all last night and I didn't wake up drooling or trying to vomit something I didn't eat. Now for the shit fest: today sucked, massively. There was a torrential downpour and I had to work in it. I got soaked from head to toe somehow, even WITH an umbrella! Insane. And there was wind, too, so the rain got inside my car. >.< It's going to smell all damp the next time I get in it. Yuck. I had to stop by Walmart after work and replace my driver's side windshield wiper because the rubber was peeling off at both ends. I also picked up two more gallons of distilled water.

When I got home my dad asked me why I've been buying so much water lately, as if it's any of his f-ing business (his curiosity annoys me to no end sometimes). Cover story: the tap water tastes disgusting and you never change the water filter. What's so great about that is that it's not a lie. The tap water DOES taste gross and he like NEVER changes the water filter. I then microwaved a bowl of leftovers from the fridge and grabbed a cookie out of the cookie jar on the counter. I took them to my room and dumped them straight in the trash, but he won't know that. ^^

I don't actually know what I weigh at the moment but I will probably weigh later to find out. I can't seem to resist stepping on the scale. I'm watching more Bones at the moment and later, if I get tired of the marathon thing, I might switch to Greek or rewatch America's Next Top Model (if anything is thinspirational, it's ANTM). I am considering posting a video update soon. Is anyone interested in seeing one from me?

Damn fucking hiccups... *grumble, grumble*

Day 5 of 28

I woke up and remeasured my height and I got between 5'7 1/2" and 5'8" so I don't know what the hell my height is. I'm just going to call it 5'7" again. *shakes head* Fucking weird. I'm keeping my goal weight at 115 for now. Whatever. I'll figure it out when I get down there. Scale says 165.4 this morning. Woo! :) I felt some hunger pains last night, finally. I'm okay this morning, though, except my throat is KILLING me. I wish I didn't have a throat, because then it couldn't hurt like this. Also, I didn't know you could get hiccups without eating anything. O.o I've had them last night and then again this morning. It sucks. I will post some progress pics when I reach 160. Good luck to all of you lovelies! I hope today finds you well. xoxo

@On a mission! - I am so looking forward to the time off work so I can just laze around my apartment and relax. It's hard working in the evil sunshine with only water in my tummy. I absolutely adore Bones and I can't wait for season 6 to come out on DVD. Huge fan. :) Yeah, writing it down definitely helps me. The way you put it is just how I feel: it's a transference thing. If I write it down then the paper keeps it and my mind doesn't have to focus on it.

@mlw - Haha sorry! Don't look at it *covers your eyes*

@Christina - Thankies, and yeah I'm really looking forward to it. I love being lazy. lol I may also watch a little bit of Greek. I don't know if you've ever seen that show?

@A Girl with Tiny Intentions - Me toooo :/ My throat feels terrible. I don't know what's going on with it. I think we will rock out the teens together for sure. :) It just might take me more time to get there than you, since you have a head start on me. lol Aww... thanks. I hope I can inspire everyone to stick with their goals and succeed.

@missinsanity. - I've heard that before, but I had no idea how drastically it would fluctuate. It literally changed over an inch from last night to this morning. O.o Thank you, hun, I hope my throat feels better too. It's just being a pain right now.

166.4

Welcome new followers! So glad you could join me.

I got antsy and weighed myself when I got home from work. I waited a few hours until I peed (I drank a ton of water during the day). The scale said 166.4. I guess that means I'm only 1.4 lbs away from my next goal. Yay! :) On another note, I am apparently shorter than I thought. I stood against the wall and used a pencil to make a mark, and then I measured. Instead of being 5'7" I'm between 5'6" and 5'6.5" I can't really be that accurate with a pencil and a ruler, but I suspected I might not be 5'7" so I'll go with 5'6.5" for now. Maybe the next time I see a doc I'll ask them to measure my height. *shruggle* This means I will be decreasing my goal weight. I think 120 is a bit much anyway if I want to fit into those uber cute short shorts. I will make 115 my goal. I looked up the BMI for 5'6.5" and the healthy weight range is 116-157. I would say 110, but I don't know how it would look on me, because I've never been that small, except as a child. I guess I will find out when I get down to 115 if it's thin enough for me. My throat hurts now and I'm not sure why. The only thing going down it for the last 4 days has been distilled water. I feel like there's drainage in the back, though. Maybe I've caught a cold or something? :/ I'm just going to keep drinking more water and hope that it helps. I started reading Wasted a few hours ago. It's not what I expected, but it's not bad. I don't know if I'll end up finishing it (I have a really short attention span). I will update again tomorrow for day 5 and reply to individual comments. Good night ladies! I hope it finds you all well and successful. Stay strong and stick together. xoxo

- Crash

Today was a tad challenging

So most of you know, who've been reading my blog for a while anyway, that I work in a food place. I am constantly surrounded by the sight and smell of food I used to eat all the time, and it's driving me a little bit mad. lol I am proud to say, though, that today when I spilled honey bbq sauce on my fingers I washed it right off. Not one drop made it into my mouth. I started feeling a little rumbling in my tummy today, but it wasn't unbearable. I just drank some more water and refocused my mind on something else. I thought my energy had returned because I felt really well this morning, but by the time I got to work I felt awful. I was miserable all day and I felt faint every time I got out of my car. This is totally normal because you're not supposed to engage in strenuous activity on a water fast, and with my job I don't really have a choice. Also, it was really fucking hot outside today. We even got a heat alert that's good through 8 pm tonight. I work again tomorrow morning/afternoon and then I'm off Sunday. Then I work again Monday and then I'm off until Friday night. I decided to take a mini vacay next week and just stay home and relax, so I can reap the full benefits of my fast and not overwork my body.

I've made a list of foods on my phone that I want to eat, and I add to it every time I have a craving. I've decided that once I lose x number of lbs I will give myself a treat each week (after my fast is over of course), and slowly work my way through the list. I'll think of them as rewards - more incentive to succeed. I haven't decided what the weight increments for the rewards will be yet. Anyway, thus far my list includes: popcorn, steak, Starbucks, chocolate, cheeseburger, chips (some of you know them as crisps), french fries (aka chips to some of you), ice cream, pizza, Taco Bell, El Carizzo (best Mexican food in town), Great Wall (best Chinese food in town), Auntie Anne's (mouth-watering pretzels and pretzel creations). I know that seems like a lot, but I've just putting them down whenever I have a craving. I think it helps to get my mind off of them. I got three things in the mail today that I've been awaiting: Bones season 5 on DVD, Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, and a bottle of kelp pills by Nature's Way. I'm excited to watch some Bones and read that book, but I won't be able to start on the pills until after my fast is through. Part of the detox and cleansing process is having nothing but water in my system.

@Hope to be thin - Wow! 14 days is still an accomplishment! :) I'm so happy my weight is falling off. I just hope it keeps falling off. You're absolutely correct - fasting and exercising do NOT go together. I'm glad you're not going to attempt that. Exercise is very good for you, so I'm glad you seem to enjoy it so much. It will tone you up in no time and you'll feel loads better. If you start taking your measurements once a week I'm sure you will see a difference in the inches, regardless of whether the number on the scale changes a lot.

@Britni Marie - Please reconsider the exercise thing. It's not healthy to exercise when you're on a fast. You could end up getting hurt very easily. I have been keeping my physical activity to a minimum on the recommendation of every fasting website I've encountered. I don't have much choice when it comes to my job, but even then I try really hard not to strain myself. I put a chair down in front of the phone station so I could sit and take orders instead of standing and I asked one of the guys to lift the heavy trashcan into the dumpster. Please stay safe.

Day 4 of 28

Day 4 and still going strong. That's right girls, I'm still not hungry. I think I have some kind of Ghandi mojo going on here. Hahaha I love this! I love it, I love it, I love it! Also, 167 now. *dances around* I think I'm starting to get some of my energy back as well, which is great because I have to work today. Charlotte's web made me cry. :/ So sad. And my dashboard fixed itself after like ten minutes. Woo! If anyone wants to fast with me let me know. I'd love to have more fasting buddies!!! :D I had another food dream. I dreamed I was eating all different kinds of chicken - spicy chicken wings, orange chicken, general tso's chicken... I woke up literally drooling. I rarely ever drool in my sleep. Ugh. Stupid freakin' subconscious.

@Samzi - Yeah I haven't really stopped to smell my pee lately. haha Maybe I should start, though, because test strips sound either expensive or time-consuming. I think I'm too lazy to get that involved with it. lol
@kes - Must be... idk. lol I hope I can keep this up though because I'm loving it.
@Gracereturnsslowly - I think you have to really want it, and really be ready to do it. For me, the difficult part is all psychological. I think about food, I dream about food, and I miss food. The physical part is a breeze compared to what's in my head.
@Christina - Yay! Glad to have you back on board :) I hope you are doing well. We are all quite royally fucked in one way or another, yeah?
@Mia - Aw shucks... thanks ^^ *giggles*
@Hope to be thin - For me it's not easy on a mental level. The pain, instead of being in my stomach, is in my head, because I LOVE food in a kind of irrational way. I used to have a big problem with emotional eating, so it's like a comfort thing. Charlotte's Web is a children's story made into a movie. It's sad but lovely. It's a classic.
@Bella - My dreams have been crazier than usual since I started this fast, so I'm guessing the two are connected. I forgot to mention in the dream about the orange, I tried to purge it up after I ate it, but it wouldn't come up and I started freaking out. Then I woke up. lol
@More Than Me - Awesome! You'll have to let me know how it goes. We can be fasting buddies :D I'm hoping this process will be less stressful on my body than a severely restrictive diet. That's what I've read anyway. We'll see.

WTF Blogger?!?

So I had to switch Google accounts to check my college e-mail and when I signed back in, it says I'm not following any blogs! But I am! I even looked up some of the blogs I'm following and I saw my face right there under members. What.the.fuck? *kicks blogger for being stupid* I hope my dashboard fixes itself, because otherwise I'm going to have a difficult time keeping up with everyone. :/

I had another dream about food. It was a really crazy dream actually, that I won't go into detail about, but it ended with me desperately sucking all of the juice out of an orange. I woke up panicked and it took me a moment to realize we don't have any oranges in the house. lol Damn... my dreams are just really vivid.

I am now nearing the end of day 3 of my fast and I still haven't felt the god-awful gnawing in my gut. I'm not sure if I should be worried that I'm not experiencing severe hunger symptoms like everyone says I should be? I wonder if my body has gone into ketosis yet. I guess there's not really any way of knowing that for sure. Here's to hoping. *crosses fingers* Going to watch Charlotte's Web (the 2006 remake) now. I've never seen it but I hear it's sad.

@Samzi - Thanks!

@Christina - Sorry love :( I don't know what's going on with my body, but I can't exactly complain about it. lol. I wish you had my luck with it.

@Mia - Yay! And thanks :)

@Hope to be thin - Thankies. I'm glad I'm happy too right now. I hate being down in the dumps. Unfortunately that is a frequent state of being for me.

@kes - I missed hearing from you! :) Yeah, I don't really want to sit here for days trying to figure myself out either. It will come in time I suppose. Until then, we just have to make do with what we've got and hope for the best.

@On a mission! - You're right. It's a totally screwed up world. I once read something that said a lot of girls have ED minds and not ED bodies, and it's so true. I may not be underweight, but I definitely don't think about food normally. You're welcome :) I am always hear if you need an ear.

@A Girl with Tiny Intentions - It is definitely all very complicated. I don't think much of anything in this world fits into a perfect box. I think there are always a lot of variables to consider. I also want to be tiny and that's what I'm striving for, regardless if the way is conventional or not.

@Nasimiyu - That's interesting. I didn't know they were working on changing the criteria. I know currently it stands that you have to miss three consecutive periods to be anorexic, and I've never missed one. I'll be interested to see if they follow through with changing them. As of now I classify myself as EDNOS.

@Clear Girl - I agree that most of us probably are EDNOS. I think, because of the classification requirements, it is the most common out of the three. What's kind of sad is that not a lot of people even seem to know about EDNOS. A friend of mine who used to be anorexic, and still struggles with it today, didn't even know what it meant. I think if the media is going to shine a spotlight on eating disorders they should at least be more informative and educate on all the different types, not just the two everyone hears about.

Day 3 of 28

I still don't have hunger pains. Either my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do or I'm incredibly lucky. O.o Anyway, my scale says I'm down to 168. Woo hoo!

What do you do when someone tells you over and over again that you don't have an ED? Are they trying to convince themselves or are they trying to convince you? Or are they just ignorant to the fact that EDs don't come in a perfect little package that is easily definable? I don't think I'm anorexic and I know I'm not bulimic, but at the same time I know I have a problem. I can't just be normal about my weight. I tried to stop and think that maybe it would be okay if I were fat, except it's not, and it never will be. I can't imagine being stuck in this tub of lard for the rest of my life. I jiggle and I'm disgusting. I stopped eating regularly as a way to lose weight. Does that mean I'm not disordered? I'm not a doctor so I honestly can't answer that question. I know that I have a history of problems from cutting to depression, to a slight bipolar tendency. I used to be in therapy and on meds, but I quit going and quit taking them in high school. Is it really as cut and dry as me trying to lose weight, or is this just another coping mechanism for me? I'm struggling to figure it out, but it's giving me a headache.

I have a clear memory that pops out at me from 7th grade. It was lunch time and I was sitting in my Spanish teacher's empty classroom. I decided not to go to lunch that day and not to eat when I got home. When she asked why I wasn't at lunch and all I was eating was a packet of artificial sweetener, I remember I tried to justify it with some nonsense. Said I wasn't really hungry and I would eat later. It didn't last the next day, because my willpower wasn't nearly as strong then as it is now. Instead I turned to cutting back then, and it made me feel better. I got addicted to it and wrapped it around me like a blanket. Some would say I gave up one thing for another. Some would say I'm just a headcase. I think I'm just complicated and that I don't fit into an easily labeled box. I'm still trying to figure me out.

169.2

I can't believe I've broken 170! *does a little happy dance* It's the middle of the morning and I'm stuck in a strange limbo. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm freakin' excited about my weight, though. ^^ I don't have to work today so I'll just be lazing and relaxing around the apartment. Whew! No passing out in the hot sun for Ciara. lol Everything I've read on fasting has indicated that days 1-5 are the hardest, but so far I haven't had any trouble with hunger pains and such. I'm wondering if I'm going to get them at all, or if it's just a delayed reaction. If not, awesome. If so, I guess I'll deal with it. I can just chug, chug, chug on my distilled water.

On another note, I found this to be really hilarious. Someone posted this on a forum:

Twilight > Harry Potter

And someone responded with this:



Hahahahahahaha! That's so great :D I hate Twilight.

Day 2 of 28

Thank you for commenting on my last two posts: A Girl with Tiny Intentions, Kate, Sarah, mlw, Veetah, Hope to be thin, kes, Mia, Annie, On a mission!, and Christina

I have decided to keep taking my birth control pills to minimize the hormonal changes that would affect my cycle. Thus far they haven't had an adverse effect on my fast. Today went well. I kept thinking about food again, but I guess that's normal. I still haven't had any hunger pains, but I hear day three is the worst so I'm expecting them tomorrow. I will start carrying a bottle of smart water (for the electrolytes) with me to work along with my gallon of distilled water. I'm not currently taking anything for energy boosts, and I don't want to risk putting something in my system that could interrupt the fast.

I felt a little lightheaded when I was standing too long or walking outside in the heat, but it wasn't severe and it passed fairly quickly. I've read this is also to be expected in the first week. I think the hard part for me isn't the actual hunger itself, because it really hasn't been bothering me, but the cravings I get for the taste of food. I'll find myself thinking about that beefy melt burrito or that vanilla ice cream cone and it is a test of my willpower. Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep now, even though it's not yet 7 pm. I seem to be needing more rest now, which is understandable.

Thank you all for your lovely comments and support. Stay strong and stick together girls!