We're gonna party like, like it's the end of the world...

I know I've pulled a disappearing act again... sorry. I've been pretty wrapped up in things offline lately. Last Friday I went to a party with one of my friends and got hammered. We played a drinking game called California Kings, which was complicated but fun. I didn't actually get drunk until later when I got back to my apartment, but I almost got suckered in to smoking weed laced with DMT. Luckily, I had a supportive friend with me and she helped talk me out of it (I would've felt absolutely shitty if I'd given in after all this time of being clean). I did, however, get so drunk at my apartment that I passed out in the middle of watching Bad Girls. Good times ;P

As far as my weight is concerned, I have no idea what it is at the moment because I've been too afraid to step on the scale lately. I've been a very bad girl in regards to my eating habits :/ Don't know what else to say about that really...

I'm at work right now slacking off and just figured I'd say hi, let everyone know that I'm still alive and kicking. LOL I think I'll be busy for most of the day writing on my fanfiction. I seem to have gotten some inspiration to continue, so wish me luck in getting a new chapter posted. :D

Take care everyone!

Update from earlier:

So I got home from work and I realized I had no more alcohol, and I don't get paid until tomorrow morning. Well, that's just unacceptable. You know you're an alcoholic when you raid your liquor shelf and pour all the dregs from the empty bottles into one glass. I had 19 different kinds of alcohol from 28 "empty" bottles and I managed to extract about 1/4 cup of hard liquor. I thought it would taste disgusting and possibly make me sick, but surprisingly it's probably the best drink I've ever had.

Ingredients:

Smirnoff regular vodka, Smirnoff watermelon vodka, Smirnoff blueberry vodka, Ruskova vodka, Grey Goose vodka, Jose Cuervo Especial tequila, Camarena Silver tequila, Captain Morgan Parrot Bay coconut, Captain Morgan Parrot Bay pineapple, Hiram Walker peach schnapps, Hiram Walker peppermint schnapps, Dekuyper watermelon pucker, Kinky liqeur, Crown Royal blended Canadian whiskey, Jagermeifter, Johnnie Walker Red Label blended scotch whiskey, McClelland's Highland single malt scotch whiskey, McClelland's Islay single malt scotch whiskey, Glenlivet single malt scotch whiskey

Alcoholism and Applebee's

So I have a problem with alcohol... I accept that, but I'm not willing to give it up yet. I can't go more than a week without a drink or I lose my fucking mind. We went to Applebee's yesterday and it destroyed my lovely calorie intake. *sigh* Oh well... starting over today. Anyone feel like learning Latin or Scottish Gaelic with me? I'm going to try and learn both. My plan is to be fluent in at least ten languages before I die, so I've still got a long time to make this happen. No harm in starting early, eh?

Water fast a no-go, at least for now

I made it 18 hours then caved. Urgh. In my defense, my dad kept going on and on about food *grumbles* However, I'm happy to say that I'm back to calorie restricting and I've been keeping track of everything in my little black book. Ir's a government holiday today, so no work. I'm just lounging in bed watching Wire in the Blood (Simone Lahbib - *drools*) and occasionally writing on my fanfiction. ^.^

One step forward, four steps back...

I fell off the wagon recently, big time. I won't even say how much I weigh right now, because it's too embarrassing, but seeing it on the scale was the kick in the ass I needed to start losing weight again. May 25th is officially the beginning of a new water fast for me, and I've jump-started it with a salt water flush. *crosses fingers* Here's to hoping I can stick with it... We'll see how it goes.

Back to 165!

I'm am officially back to 165.0lbs as of this morning. Woo! That means I'm 60lbs down from my highest weight and I've got 50 more to go to 115. I'm not sure if I want to get that low, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It was a great day at work. We were extremely slow so I spent most of the day reading Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare, which turned out to be an amazing book. I just finished it a few hours ago and I can't wait to read Clockwork Prince, the second in the series. I've put the hold request in with the library but it's on high demand, so it will probably be a while before I get my hands on it. Tomorrow I'm going to begin reading Eragon. I have it checked out already along with Brisingr, Eldest, and Inheritance. I've been meaning to read this series for years so I'm pretty excited about it. The downside to my day is that I realized this evening that I've lost my checkbook and I can't find it anywhere. The only thing I can guess is that it fell out of my purse at some point, so I'm hoping no one picks it up and starts writing checks in my name. I suppose I'll have to call the bank in the morning and notify them. Ugh. Why do these things keep happening to me? Is this punishment for last year? This is supposed to be my new year of having everything under control, but it seems like obstacles keep popping up everywhere I turn. I hate this. I hate not being in control and basically being slapped in the face when I'm trying to turn my life around. It's not just losing the checkbook. It's everything that keeps happening. I feel like I can't get a break, but this too shall pass. That's what I have to remember and try to stay positive. This too shall pass. *deep breaths* lol

Hell of a Friday

I got a lot of bad news on Friday so the day was completely hectic. The bank closed my checking account because of an overdraft and inactivity, so I had to use the last of my reserve money to clear that and open a new account, so I can get my checks from the government center direct deposited. I had to leave work to go to the bank, then go to the college to endorse my student loan check (which they FINALLY processed, even though they didn't tell me - I had to get the director of the financial aid dept on the phone to find out), and then I had to go back to work and up to Human Resources to change my direct deposit, and then I had to go home to change for my other job. When I got there I got into it with one of the waitresses I've known since I started. She got in my face and called me a drug addict and told me I'm not bipolar and all this bullshit. I've been diagnosed by more than one medical doctor and I've been to more than one therapist, and I'm completely clean off the drugs thank you very much. I got so pissed and lost it. It was an all-out screaming/cussing match in the parking lot. Then they tried to get me to go in and answer the phone, which is not a good idea when I'm pissed, so I clocked out and walked out. Last night was exactly two years to the day and tonight was supposed to be my last night there (I put in my notice two weeks ago), but I'm not going in tonight. Fuck that. On a happier note, I'm back down to 166.6 lbs. I'm losing weight by the day and I love it. I've gotten back into the habit of eating healthy foods and not drinking any kind of soda. I'll post my meals from the last two days below to give you guys an idea of how I eat now. Stay strong ladies :)

1/19/12 (168 lbs):
Breakfast:
- 7" inch banana (90) + 8oz fat free milk (80)
Lunch:
- 2 slices Sara Lee wheat bread (90) + 2 slices Land O' Lakes hickory smoked turkey breast (35) + 1 slice Sargento colby-jack cheese (70) + mustard (0)
Dinner:
- 2/3 cup steamed cut green beans (30)
- 3.2oz broiled salmon (80) + lemon juice (2)
- iced oatmeal cookie (65)
Snacks:
- 3.6oz orange slices (47)
- 3.2oz celery (13) + 2 tbsp light cream cheese (70)
- Fiber One snack bar (140)
Gum:
- 2 pieces Extra fruit sensations (10) + 1 piece Trident original (3)
Beverages:
- 8oz herbal tea (0) + 32oz water (0) + 32oz black coffee (0) + 8oz V8 juice (50)
Total: 885

1/20/12 (167.4 lbs):
Breakfast:
- Yoplait light very cherry (100) + 8oz fat free milk (80)
Lunch:
- 2 slices SL wheat bread (90) + 2 slices turkey (35) + 1 slice colby (70) + mustard (0)
Dinner:
- 3.3oz baked chicken breast (91)
- 2/3 cup steamed cut green beans (30)
- iced oatmeal cookie (65)
Snacks:
- 4.2oz orange slices (55)
- all-natural applesauce cup (50)
Beverages:
- 8oz herbal tea (0) + 16oz water (0) + 48oz black coffee (0) + 8oz V8 juice (50)
Total: 716

First Day at the Government Center

I started back at the Columbus Consolidated Government today and it was great. I get to keep my lunch and snacks in the fridge and make as much herbal tea and coffee as I want. I don't have the time to do that between classes so I'm loving it. The stress level isn't half as much as it is at Pizza Hut at I make a lot more money, so I think I made a good decision in leaving. Saturday night is my last night as a delivery driver, and this Friday makes two years there. Woo! :) I have my first quiz tomorrow in World History and I'm kind of excited because I absolutely love history. I think I'm going to ace it. I'm back to losing weight also so I'm happy with that, especially since my bipolar medication makes people gain weight. It did that with me at first so I have to do a lot to counteract it, but I've had success so far. I've been grilling, broiling, and baking fresh salmon and chicken breasts, and eating lots of fresh fruits and steamed veggies. It feels really good to be off of processed foods and soda again. I have more energy and I feel fuller longer. I appreciate all of you that have continued to follow this blog and comment. I love you all and hope you're doing well.

Sammy - He's not crazy, he just doesn't understand because he's never been through it personally. We're back on good terms again, and I think he's really trying to cut me some slack, which I appreciate. I finally got my hands on some Midol so that took care of my cramps and awful period moodiness, and I do eat yogurt regularly. :) Yoplait light is my favorite and I drink 8oz of fat free milk every morning. Thank you for your continued support. I don't know what I'd do without you and some of my other close friends on here. Expect comments from me soon. My schedule is just crazy right now so I don't have much time to read. *huggies* ♥

Christina - Yayyyy! I haven't heard from you in so long, and I know that's partly my fault for being away for so long. I'm glad to have you back, and I'm feeling much better. :) I have a really busy schedule now but I'll try and catch up on your blog when I can.

Rough Morning

I had a really bad morning today. I woke up feeling okay and then I got some bad news in the mail that set me off. It was a snowball effect from that moment on. My dad and I were going to do grocery shopping and I told him to leave me alone because I knew my temper was about to snap, but he doesn't know when to stop pushing my buttons. He kept saying, "You can choose to control it," and blah, blah, blah, but there's a reason I'm on medication. I was diagnosed with type 2 bipolar and anxiety disorder recently and I've been becoming increasingly volatile. The smallest things make me lose it and I went ape shit. He threatened to slap me and I threatened to slap him back if he tried it, so we left Walmart with nothing and I walked home. He said, "Get in the truck stupid," so I grabbed my purse, slammed the door, and walked the rest of the way home. When I got back I took some more of my medication and calmed down a bit, and I even tried to apologize, but he just kept pushing my buttons so I started screaming again. He just doesn't get it and it frustrates me to no end. I told him if he ever hit me I'd leave him black and blue, and he didn't seem to believe me, but I'm completely serious. I'll never let anyone hit me without consequences. So now I'm holed up in my room trying to calm down. It doesn't help that I started my period this morning and my doctor took me off birth control last month because of how much I smoke. She's worried I'll get a blood clot and have a stroke, but I've been on them for years now to control my hormones. This is my first period in years without birth control to regulate it, so my hormones and mood are all over the place, and I'm in an immense amount of pain. I got even more pissed when I went into the medicine isle at Walmart and they were completely out of Midol. That's the only other thing that helps me on my period, and I don't have any. But he just kept pushing my buttons. I'll probably go over to my best friend's house in a little while, after the episode of The Biggest Loser I'm watching is over. I don't know if that will help or not, because there are three babies and two puppies in that house, and all the crying and puppy whining might set me off again. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. The only good thing that happened today was that I asked Christie out again, and I missed her dearly. We're going to give it another go and I hope it works out this time. It ended last year because I became really unstable and called it off, but I want things to be different this time. I'm going to have to go back and see my doctor as soon as possible to let her know what's going on. I hope you've all had a much better day than me. Stay strong and beautiful. I love you guys :)

First Day of Classes

I changed my mind about doing the water fast this month, because my 21st birthday is right around the corner and I want to be able to go to a restaurant with my family to celebrate. Therefore, I will be starting it sometime in the middle of February after my birthday. I had my first day of classes today and so far I like most of them. My Biology professor is hilarious, my Spanish professor is really nice, my swimming for fitness instructor seems like a nice enough guy, and my History professor keeps me engaged in the lesson. The only class I don't like so far is Psychology, and not because of the subject, because my teacher is a drone and I couldn't stop myself from falling asleep within the first ten minutes. I'm so glad she'll be posting the lecture notes online so I can print and study them at home. There is absolutely no way I'll be able to stay awake in that class; she is SO BORING!!! On a happier note, I'm back down to 170. Wooo! :)

Sammy - Thirty days will be rough but I'm determined to do it. I'm very proud of myself for getting all of my shit together again, and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I have the support of my family and friends and I think that's really going to help me stay motivated, especially now that I've eliminated the negative influences in my life. I wish you all the best in fulfilling your resolutions, no matter how many there are. :) I'm glad to be back and I really missed you too! *huggles*

Gracereturnsslowly - Yayyyy! lol Yes I'm back, and thanks for the good luck hun

Nasimiyu - It is kind of fun, and better yet it motivates me to accomplish things when normally I might give up. Thankies. I plan to actually pass my classes this time and not drop them.

New Year's Resolution Game

Hey everyone! I've been gone for a while and a lot has happened in that time. I'm completely clean off of drugs, I'm re-enrolled in college classes, I got my old job back, and I restarted my 30-day water fast today. Last year I made it 17 days before I gave up. I'm hoping I have the inner strength and resolve to stick it out this time. My best friend came up with a new year's resolution game that she and I are playing along with her older sister. We had to write up a list of at least 75 things that we have to accomplish before the end of 2012. If we don't complete all 75 there's a punishment (running around a local park in our underwear) and if we complete more than 75 we get a reward (I'm thinking I'd like to go on a cruise in 2013). I'll probably make a separate page for the resolution list and post the complete list there. Wish me luck everyone! :) It feels good to be back.