Adventureland

My life has been this crazy adventure lately. I decided to visit the darker side of myself and it’s been a total roller coaster. I skipped classes for about a week and a half and did nothing but basically party and sleep. I’ve tried all kinds of things I never thought I would, and I can’t say that I regret it. I think experiencing new things just gives you more knowledge about the world and about yourself. I had a threesome with a married couple, I had a one-night stand with a dude (thus absolutely confirming my suspicion that I’m a lesbian and have ZERO interest in guys), and I realized that I want to marry my best friend Betty. It won’t be now or even next year, but someday I want to marry that girl. We’re not even together like that and we won’t be for a long time, if ever, because she’s leaving next year for the army and we don’t want to risk losing our friendship, but we’ve talked about “what if.” She is the younger version of me, almost an exact carbon copy, but we have just enough differences to make it interesting. We spend every weekend together and we will always be the original two: B&C. Even if we never go there, I know we will always be friends. Today I woke up and actually went to class. Now that I’ve lived on the edge for a bit I realize that I need to get back to my responsibilities. I can’t just allow my life to spiral completely out of control, because that’s not who I am. I’m a very responsible person usually and I need to take care of things so I can go somewhere in life. I have homework and stuff to catch up and exams to study for, but I firmly believe now that I’ll be okay. I can find the balance between the party life and the mature life, but it’s going to mean I have a lot less time to be online. I’m sorry I can’t be the blogger I used to be at the moment, but just know that I think about all of you every single day, especially those of you who I got really close to. Sammy and Christina… I love you guys, I think about you a lot and I hope that you’re okay. When I get a minute to spare I promise I will catch up on your blogs and comment, and I hope you don’t lose faith in me because of my absence. *hugs* I hope everyone is well and happy. Stay strong and beautiful lovelies.

Live & Learn: Never Do This

Last night was fuckin' wild... like Hangover Part 1 without the farm animals in the room. Two of my friends came over and we met up with some other friends and did a bunch of cocaine and smoked some loud, and then me and one of my friends took 1/4 an oxy. About an hour later all three of us took an E pill each. NEVER do this!!! The friend who just took the E and the coke without the oxy was fine, but me and Bree were up puking all fucking night. We ended up going to Waffle House at like 5 am cuz none of us could sleep (and we laid there for about 3 hours trying), and then when we got back we were only able to sleep for a few hours before we were all awake and wired again. Now we're bout to go hit up my homeboy to get some more shit. Haha. I'm so fucked this weekend. On the bright side, I'm losing weight again. :) I may update later today or tomorrow. *deuces*

Insanity: Table for One

Down, down, down I seem to fall, deeper into this pit of destruction I've been digging for myself. I can't pinpoint when exactly it started or if there's even a particular trigger that started it, but I haven't been this in touch with my inner demons since I was in middle school. That vile monster that's been sleeping inside me is growling and sniffing at the air, cracking an eye open and trying to take over. I've found myself completely wrapped up lately in not caring about life or what I'm doing with it. I carry out the motions out of habit, a routine I've taught myself to follow, but the part of my conscious that's really involved in living has been muted lately, put on the back burner to replaced by numbness. I've been drinking too much, smoking too much grass, therefore eating way too much, then chain smoking to stop myself from stuffing my face some more. I've also gotten back into using something else, a lovely powder that takes away my appetite. I don't know when I woke up and decided to be nothing again, and the disturbing part is that I'm only mildly concerned with this realization. I've been flirting with men again since my relationship failed, just for the hell of it. I really don't like men and I don't find them at all appealing, but I like the attention. It's hard to find female attention around here and my battered ego seeks out the first bit of gratification it can: men that stare at me longingly and try and convince me I'm interested, even though it never goes anywhere because I'm not. I love the attention, and I hate that I love it. I hate that I don't care about the things I should right now, but I love the freedom that lies in the absence of mind. When all is said and done, maybe I will come back from the brink, just as I did so many years ago, and maybe I will still remember who I am. Maybe I will remember that I'm more than a disordered, alcoholic, drug addict trapped in limbo; an endless inner battle. I will be more than this shell of a person someday. I will be stable and happy, and I will find a woman to love me and hold me and not judge me, and I will love who I am and where I'm at in my life. But that day is not today.

Rain, rain, go away...

Not much went according to plan today. I woke up after just a few hours of sleep, still half drunk, and struggled to get the big, boxy, heavy TV out of my room, down the stairs, and into the trunk of my car while it was raining. Then I went with my dad to get the new TV for my room. We got back and I hooked it up (it looks amazing) and then the plan was to go to my best friend's house to hang out, since we're both free for Labor Day and we don't get to see each other much anymore. Another friend of mine was supposed to meet up with us there, but all three of us were feeling sick when we woke up so it didn't happen. Brittany has a cold/flu thing, Katy thinks she ate something last night that wasn't cooked properly, and I've puked twice today from how much alcohol I consumed last night. I find it interesting that I didn't puke until almost 24 hours AFTER I drank said alcohol... I don't usually get sick at all from alcohol, but I think because I've been drinking for 3 days straight my body isn't sure how to handle it.

To give you an idea of how much I drank exactly...

Before midnight last night:
4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles
3oz 80 proof vodka

After midnight last night/this morning:
4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles
13oz 80 proof vodka

That means I drank 8 beers and 16oz of straight vodka in a matter of a few hours. Haha. No wonder I've been sick all day. Anyway, here's what I've had today:

4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles (572)
13oz 80 proof vodka (867)
16oz light cranberry juice (80)
Monster Lo-Carb energy drink (20)
Dill pickle spear (1)
Trident original gum (4)
6oz orange (78)
5.2oz broccoli (52)
3oz tomato (15)
Gerber baby food applesauce (50)
Gerber baby food peas (45)
Quaker white cheddar rice cake (45)
16 animal crackers (120)
2 slices of rye bread (160)
1 slice of pepperjack cheese (70)
4 slices of Land O' Frost ham (50)
1oz avocado (45)
1.2oz tomato (6)
1 1/2 tsp light mayonnaise (25)
1 tsp mustard (0)
Calories from alcohol: 1,519
Calories from everything else: 786
Total calories: 2,305 damnnn... that alcohol is a serious speed bump in my diet

Labor Day Drinking

So Labor Day drinking for me consists of Saturday, Sunday, AND Monday. lmao So far I have gotten my drink on without fail every afternoon after work. I don't have to work at all tomorrow or go to classes so it's gonna be an all out party day for me. I do have to go get a new TV, though, so I'll have to be sober long enough to do that in the morning. lol

Other than that I think I am back on track. I'm mentally ready for this and I will stick to it. I'm going to be thin, thin, thin. Think Mischa Barton on the O.C. She was gorgeous in that and I so want her hip bones.

I found myself thinking this and thought it was worth writing down:

I will be so light and thin
I’ll slip through your fingers
Like paper in the wind

@kes - You're totally right. September is going to be my month :)
@Christina - Absolutely. I am ready to turn over a new leaf. I miss you!
@Run - Lol coolness :) It's interesting how many people have similar names on here. August is definitely of the past and not worth dwelling on. I will do better this month.
@Weightless - Aw thank you. That's really sweet :) I definitely hope things get better and not worse.
@jackie - Thank you! I think I've already started losing a little since I've been cutting back on the bingeing. Only time will tell.
@Sam Lupin - *huggles back* I miss you so, so much!!! I'm glad the restricting is working for you. Good luck hun. You deserve to see a loss. Hopefully I will catch up with you sometime on MSN :)