A Brief Update

I'm really sorry guys. I know I haven't updated in ages. I've just been in this weird sort of rut in my life. I've also been really busy with school and blah, blah, blah. I could come up with an endless list of excuses, but the simple truth is that I haven't felt worthy of even coming on here. I don't feel like I even deserve support because I've just been sabotaging my every effort to lose weight. I've been bingeing basically nonstop since I quit my water fast, and I've been smoking which makes me binge more, and the smoking also makes me not give one flying fuck about what I eat or how I look, or anything for that matter. I cease to care about my life or anything around me. It's a pleasant numb feeling to not give a fuck, but then I wake up in the morning and feel like such a horrible failure. At least I seem to be losing weight again. My body freaked out on me after the water fast and started packing on the pounds REALLY quickly, but it seems to have settled down now. I've started tracking everything I eat again, so that should be a help. As long as I can stay motivated and stop myself from being lazy, I might be able to pull my shit together. I just hope that happens soon. I'm sorry for being away and I apologize in advance if you don't hear from me in a while, but I will really try to kick myself in the ass and get a move on. :) Hopefully soon I will be back to my motivated, daily blog updating, rapid weight losing self.

Liberty Creek Cabernet Sauvignon

The way I've been eating since I got off my water fast has been appalling and disgusting. It doesn't help any that I've been drinking tons of wine and smoking, which always makes me eat. When I smoke (no, not cigarettes) I turn into a ravenous beast; a bottomless pit; a garbage disposal. I will literally eat through the contents of the cupboard and the fridge, even when I'm so full that it's physically uncomfortable to keep eating. So... I'm going to have to give up smoking again. It is just sabotaging my weight loss. I'm not even going to say what my scale said this morning, because it's just terrible and I don't want to think about it. I have a new plan, though, and it had better work. I've been taking laxatives and slowly crapping out all the junk I've been putting in my body for the last few days, but I think I have about another day of laxatives to go before it's all out (I really ate THAT MUCH). Until it's all out, I will not be eating solids, except for fruits. I will have a piece of fruit at each meal along with liquids and baby food. Anything between meals will have to be baby food (which surprisingly doesn't taste bad). I will weigh again when I feel it's all out and hopefully the number won't be so horrifying.

Sutter Home Sweet Red

Okay I ended up downing an entire bottle of red wine by myself (only a 750ml bottle) and I'm not even tipsy. Damn. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't built up my alcohol tolerance. It takes so much more to feel it now. I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight but she bailed. I guess I should have expected it from her, but I was hoping for the best. So I just smoked, ate, and drank alone. That sounds really depressing, I know, but I had fun anyway. I danced around my room and watched The OC, and texted some friends, so it's all good. Anyway, the last few days have been horrible food-wise. I really need to kick my ass for all the bingeing I did. I need to get back on track pronto, cuz I've already gained back several pounds. This is just unacceptable. I am going back to restricting immediately. The only saving grace is that I looked it up online and apparently the average 750ml bottle of red wine only has between 300-500 calories. That's way less than the amount of calories I used to drink in vodka on a daily basis. I have another full bottle in the fridge but I'm not opening it tonight. I will save that for another day. I also took some pictures in my new clothes. :D I only feel like posting one, so here ya go:

Just wanted to let you guys know...

I'm still alive and kicking. lol I haven't been around much the last few days but hopefully I'll be back to my regular blogging soon. The last few days have been a bit of a food disaster for me, but I'm hoping to be back on track tomorrow. :) I miss you all and I know I have a lot of comments to reply to, but for now I'm going to watch The OC and sip on my red wine.

So I broke my fast...

I went to the store around 11:30 last night and bought all kinds of fruit and veggies to break my fast with. When I got home I cut up the watermelon I bought and had a few slices around 1 am, along with some V8 juice. I had no idea that it would be so hard to eat so little food. I feel overstuffed from just a few slices. It's an uncomfortable feeling, but I guess it's better than puking up stomach acid all the time, which I did twice last night. I'm following the guidelines for breaking a fast presented here: http://www.allaboutfasting.com/breaking-a-fast.html I'm desperately hoping I don't gain all the weight back because that would be VERY frustrating after all of my hard work. I will update later today to let you guys know how it's going and to do some replies.

Day 16 of 28

My weight has done something strange and confusing. This morning I was 2 pounds heavier than yesterday, and this evening I was 2.6 pounds heavier. O.o I haven't eaten so I'm baffled. I may break my fast early tomorrow because I think it's getting to be a bit much with school. This afternoon I walked from the parking garage to my afternoon class all the way across campus only to find out it was canceled for the day, so I had to walk all the way back. I thought I was going to pass out. I'm also really tired of having dry mouth and nausea. I don't think I want to finish this as much as I thought when I started out. Sixteen days is pretty good, though, right? Thoughts, opinions, suggestions all welcome...

Day 15 of 28

I don't really have a lot of energy for blogging at the moment, or anything else really. I have so much work to do for my classes it's kind of unreal. I feel myself wanting to slip back into my old routine of laziness and procrastination, but I'm really trying not to. I wasn't prepared to be SO busy right away. I need to stay away from the online food articles and restaurant guides because reading them and looking at the pictures makes my mouth water. I have another 13 days to go still. I'm really hoping I can stick to it. On the up side, my nose stopped running earlier this week and my scale said 157.2 this morning. On the down side, I keep getting dry mouth constantly. I always wake up with it and when I talk I get it, and it makes my throat hurt. Maybe I'm not drinking enough water. I'll do some comments now and then it's back to studying. I grabbed a nap when I got home so I should be good for a while. Maybe I'll even have time to watch Winnie the Pooh afterward if I hurry my ass up.

@FatBitch - Yeah I love them, they're adorable. I lost all my tips at work that day and it just really upset me.

@mlw - I'm on day 15 of 28 of my water fast.

@Sam Lupin - Academic success demands that I be super organized, so I'm trying really hard to keep up with everything. I don't want to fall behind again. If you can't make time for me I understand. Just know that I miss my during-the-day chatting buddy. I generally try to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Eh, I don't want to look androgynous. I just want them not to be so damn heavy because it makes wearing certain kinds of clothes rather difficult. Good luck with all of the school work.

@Jen :) - I love pasta in a crazy way, but I know that it's one of the most fattening things to eat so I try to be good with it. I will probably have some in moderation after I end my fast.

@Mia - Thank you, and I totally understand. I won't rest until I'm thin. I just hope I can keep up with all of this damn reading. Ugh. There's so much of it.

@Christina - I hope all turns out well. It's an awful lot of reading and notes I have to get done in a short time. Staying motivated is a huge problem for me. I think it would be easier if I wasn't also working, but I need the extra money. I love pasta as well. It is one of my few food weaknesses, along with chicken. If the chicken and pasta are combined that's even better. lol

@Run - I know! I feel really accomplished, and now I only have 13 more days to go. I'm finding my textbook much more enjoyable than listening to the professor talking. He just bores me to death. I feel that way around pizza as well, particularly at work. I always feel like curling up in a little ball and dying when a fresh thin crust pepperoni comes out of the oven.

@jackie - Thanks hun. I have concentration issues too. I just really need to buckle down and get this taken care of. I've put it off for a while now.

Day 14 of 28 (First Day of Classes)

I’m just taking a quick break from textbook reading/note taking to update about my day. I’ve spent the last four or so hours doing that, so I’m ready for a break. Anyway, I had Biology this morning and Psychology this afternoon. I absolutely adore biology but the professor is like dry bread. I was way more interested by reading the textbook than listening to him talk. He didn’t really even cover the material in his lecture. He just rambled. Blah. That’s okay. I took VERY thorough notes from the book and made a study guide, so I’ll be fine. Psych on the other hand was pretty awesome. I can already tell I’m going to get along just fine with the teacher. She has a great sense of humor and doesn’t care if we bring our laptops to class as long as we don’t disrupt the learning environment. The only bad thing is the textbook… the first chapter is 35 pages and they just get longer after that. MEH!

I had a brief scare this morning where I thought someone had stolen my phone from the computer lab, but it turns out I just left it in my car like a big dummy. *rolls eyes* I ran all the way from class to the lab just to find out it wasn’t there, and then I was sweaty and out of breath and almost late for class. Urgh. I managed to go all day on just plain water. It feels good to be back on track again. Though, I have to say, I was nauseous nearly all day. There was a lot of walking around outside in the heat involved. I ended up leaving the campus after my first class and going to Walmart and then my apartment before going back (I have that much time between my Monday classes). Then I left my phone in my car again during Psych. I really wasn’t happy about that, but at least the class only took about half an hour because she only wanted to cover the syllabus. Normally it will last for an hour and fifteen.

When I got home my dad made spaghetti - my weakness. It was the kind with freshly cooked ground beef in the sauce and I about died. I had to take a plate to appease him and it's currently in my trash can, but I can smell it. *dies a little more inside* Sorry I've been absolute shit at commenting your blogs lately. I swear I'm reading them. I just haven't had the time/energy to really comment properly. I’m going to get to replies really quickly and then go back to my schoolwork, because I want to be ahead of the game. I do not want to fall behind because I desperately need to raise my GPA. It’s absolutely pitiful (I won’t even say what it is) from the semester I attended straight out of high school in Arizona. Let’s just say I dropped two classes, failed another, and barely passed the other, just to give you the broad picture. So I’m going to try and make straight A’s all this year so I can bring it up to something decent. All right, comments now. (:

Day 12 of 28:

@kes - I found out something interesting. Vitamin Water Zero isn't ACTUALLY 0 calories. I did some looking around and they're allowed to market it that way because of the sweetener they use, but it has something around 8 calories per bottle. That's not a lot, granted, but I think they should have to put that on the bottle instead of 0. It's probably for the best that you quit your job when you were pregnant if you were also going to school. That sounds way too stressful for someone who's prego. I definitely need at least one day a week to myself. I know I can't go like this for very long.

@Christina - Based on the amount of reading and notes I have to do from just my first two classes ALONE, there is no way I can handle working that much on top of it. I'm going to need all my time to stay on track.

@missinsanity. - I'm choosing not to sweat the Vitamin Water thing anymore. It happened and I probably needed the electrolyte boost. I just have that kind of personality where I freak out about stuff for a while if I think I've sabotaged myself. You start in September? Lucky duck.

@Sam Lupin - I totally didn't regain any of it, but I stuffed myself full of energy drinks/supplements that day so I made it through. Aw, I will make time for you. No worries. So I went down the baby food aisle at Walmart the other day. I was absolutely amazed by everything they had. lol Some of it looks really gross but I'm determined to try it anyway. Actually... you CAN sleep too much. *nods* If you oversleep it's just as bad for you as undersleeping. In fact, either under- or oversleeping can prevent weight loss. If am I thin before you, of course I will wait for you and still support you 100%.

@Run - You get daily nausea too? I hate it. It mostly happens when I walk around (especially if it's hot outside) but right now I'm sitting and my stomach is still turning unpleasantly. I'm just trying not to think about it. I am halfway through my 28 days now. Woo!

@Hope to be thin - If my energy doesn't come back then it doesn't. I'm just determined to see this through either way. I can deal with being a little slower. It's just the nausea I really can't stand. I hate that sick-to-your-stomach feeling. Right now I'm taking Biology, Psychology, World Regional Geography, US History to 1865, and Scuba diving class (which I'm really excited about - it starts in October). I'm going to end up working during school, but not as much as I was working before. I couldn't keep up with all of that.

@Nasimiyu - Yes indeed... every pound lost is cause to celebrate :) I try to have a cheerful outlook, but it's hard when I constantly feel like I'm going to puke. *sigh* Oh well. No pain, no gain.

Day 13 of 28:

@Mia - Thanks, and me too! lol

@Christina - Thanks, and yeah the hunger pains have receded to be replaced once again by nausea. I'm dealing, though.

@missinsanity. - You called me Crash... ;P No one else on here has done that yet, even though it's my nickname. I love the striped one too but I wanted it with black and dark blue instead of brown and white. It was even prettier in that combo, but they only had the blue in junior's XS and XL. I needed a M or L, so I ended up getting the brown in medium, which is basically an adult small I suppose. Junior's sizes run like a size smaller than women's sizes - I think.

@Annie - I would be a junior (year 3) if I'd stayed in when I went originally, but I decided it wasn't right for me at the time and I left to work for a few years. I'm really glad I did because I'm a lot more mature and prepared to commit to it now. So I am a freshman.

@kes - I have a hard time wearing shirts like those because my boobs are so heavy. I swear I almost injured my neck today wearing the halter top, just because of the weight strain on it from supporting my chest. It's still kind of ache-y.

@Nasimiyu - Oh I totally feel you on having huge hips. For me it's the hips/ass area that is the problem. It has lost the least inches so far I believe, and it's so annoying. I want it to just go away! I bought a pair of size 10 Jordache jeans today and they fit perfectly. *claps* I'm totally in love with them. It turns out my size junior 13 Lei jeans are actually a bit too big for me. I wish I hadn't listened to the lady in the dressing room. She told me I needed the 13 even though I wanted to try on the 11. I won't be taking her advice again, because that means I just wasted like $22.

@Sam Lupin - O.o Why is a size 10 bad? Here that's actually a good thing... lol It means I'm not overweight anymore. They were mean to me, yes, but that's not why I cried. I cried because I lost the ticket and money for one of my deliveries and had to pay for it out of pocket when I got back to the store, and it took all of my tips to do so. I lost $20 and it upset me pretty bad. Later when they were mean to be I just felt murderous. I could've just killed them all. Aw I love Biology. If you need any help with it let me know because I'm taking it also and I'm pretty good at it. :) I envy your 34B. If I was a 34B I could buy all the cute tops and bras and they would actually fit, instead of my boobs falling out of the top and sides. :/ They're simply too big for my liking at the moment. Thanks for commenting lovely! Hopefully we can chit chat sooooon.

Day 13 of 28 (Yesterday)

Day 13:

Okay so I totally didn’t have ANY time to post yesterday. I worked ten hours and then went shopping for some clothes, since I’m starting college today. I felt I deserved a little treat, and OMG I fit into a pair of size ten jeans!!! In junior’s sizes I’m an 11-13. I can hardly believe it. Anyway, yesterday was a fucking disaster. I ended up crying at work and feeling absolutely murderous. I’m so tired of that fucking bullshit. I can’t wait to leave. I also feel like I cheated myself again because I got through the day with a Vitamin Water, two Vitamin Water Zeros, a Monster Absolute Zero, and a 5-hour energy. At least I managed to keep going… On a brighter note, the scale said 158.2 yesterday morning. Awesome right? Anyway, I took some pictures of the cute new clothes I bought to show you guys. :)


(Lei jeans - junior size 13 - they're a bit loose on me)

(Same jeans - back view)

(This shirt makes me look tiny)

(I think this shirt is sooo cute, but it's still a bit tight on me - it's a junior's medium/7-9)


(I love this, but I'm going to have to figure out what to do with my boobs - they're kind of heavy, so the top won't stay up right)

(This dress also makes me look really thin (^.^)

(It's actually more of a mustard yellow color, but the camera made it orange)

(New strapless bra to wear with my blue and purple tube dress)

(These are actually a darker brown in person - US size 6 underwear - for those unfamiliar, underwear sizes are NOT the same as pant sizes)

(US size 6)

(US size 5 - these definitely don't fit yet but I love the color - something to work toward)

Day 14:

I made a terrible mistake. I feel like I royally fucked myself over. Before I went to sleep I puked bile again and my stomach was upset, and I caved and had two antacid soft chews, thinking that would be okay. I should have known better. I guess my body interpreted that as food because shortly thereafter my stomach started making a bunch of racket (like growling and digestive noises). Also, my hunger completely disappeared a few days ago. I’ve been just fine. But now it’s back with a vengeance. It’s really intense to the point where I can’t fucking sleep. I feel like crying. How could two little antacid chews do all this? Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!! It’s so unfair. After all my hard work I feel like I have to start the entire fucking process all over again. :( Someone shoot me? I will update later either between classes or after my second and last class of the day. I just have Biology and Psychology today and there is a few-hour break between them. I will also do replies later because I'm in no mood for them at the moment.

Day 12 of 28 (Tons of replies)

Oh what a day, what a day… I suppose it wasn’t too bad all things considered, but it wasn’t ideal either. There was more shit talked about me, but I’m kind of used to it now. I’m too tired to really bitch about it at the moment. I’ve just been so tired lately and I know it’s because I’m fasting, but I had hoped my energy would be back by now. *sigh* Tomorrow is my dreaded ten-hour shift and then Monday morning I start classes. I’m sure I will be exhausted for the next week. I told our GM she needs to find a new driver to cover Sundays because I just can’t handle going to school five days a week and working four days a week. I will have absolutely no time for myself, and I really need a day off of both school and work or I will go insane.

Scale said 159.2 this morning. I’m a tad disappointed that I didn’t lose more than 0.2lbs, but I’m hoping for better luck tomorrow. I feel like I cheated on my water fast today, although logically I know I didn’t really. I had a couple bottles of Vitamin Water Zero with electrolytes and a bottle of Sobe Lifewater Zero. I know that’s not technically plain water so I feel really guilty about it. As I told Sam earlier, I have a worrying mind. I tend to beat myself up over little things even when I know it’s not a big deal. I’ll be okay now that I’m at home, though. Nothing but distilled water for the rest of the night. I warmed up some leftover beans from the fridge for show and promptly dumped them in my trash can. I don’t think my dad suspects a thing.

I guess I’ll start on replies now because I have SO many to do. lol I guess I’ve been slacking again. I’ll be covering “I hate bad weather” and “Day 11 of 28.” If you commented on both posts you’ll need to keep scrolling to find your name twice, since I’m replying in order of arrival and separately for each post.

I hate bad weather:

@Christina – I am proud of myself, for sure. I’m happy that I’m finally in a normal weight range, but I won’t be ecstatic until I reach my goal. That doesn’t necessarily mean my goal weight, but at least my goal for the size of pants I want. If I fit well into that size before my goal weight then I will be satisfied. I’m aiming for a size 2 at the moment, because I have a broad bone structure and I’m not sure I could ever fit my hips into a 0. I find it unlikely. lol As for the milk, I will just have to wait and see. I’m leaving it unopened until after my fast, and then I will smell it to make sure it hasn’t gone bad. Since it’s closed I don’t think it will spoil, because the bacteria that causes milk to spoil supposedly only gets in there when it comes in contact with the air. That’s what I read anyway.

@Hope to be thin – I hate the cold and the heat. I’m super picky about the weather. I prefer a happy medium honestly, though if I HAD to choose I might choose the cold, just because I can wrap myself up in layers and layers of clothing and blankets. When it’s hot all I can do is sit in from of an air conditioner and hope to hell I don’t die. lol I figured out that two things were causing my nausea. One was whenever I was standing and walking around after drinking water, and two is whenever I drink my vitamin waters. I think my stomach may just be protesting having something other than straight water in it, since that’s what it’s gotten used to over the past twelve days.

@Sam Sam – I love animal crackers!!! (^.^) Ohhh I miss them. I shall buy some when I am off my fast. They’re not very high calorie either! Definitely going on my grocery list… Oh seals are adorable, but yeah totally covered in blubber. I would be offended too. Haha. But even worse than a seal… what if someone called me a hippo? O.o I would just die. I’m going to have to hunt for that baby herbal tea stuff. I never go into the baby food aisle at all so I don’t even know what’s other there. *sheepish* Oh don’t you worry, I got plentyyy of sleep last night. I slept a shit ton, probably more than I should have.

@Elly – Awesome! I look forward to having you around more, when you get back from Italy of course. :) I loved that post by the way, and thank you for the mention. It made me feel all fuzzy and shit. Yeahhh… I hate being ill. I just really hate it. Usually I would eat a nice big bowl of warm chicken noodle soup, but nope! Not allowed for another… *calculates in head* …16 days.

@FatBitch – This might sound really lame, but I’ve never even heard of fennel seeds before. I will look into it, though. :) Thank you for the tip. My stomach has been a lot better today. I was barely queasy at all and managed not to throw up.

Day 11 of 28 (Chest pain):

@mlw – I would never throw you out for calling her a bitter bitch, because that’s exactly what she is. lol I can’t think of any other reason for her to be so mean about it, because I’ve never been mean to her. And now she says she’s only eating once a day and she’s lost 5lbs so far (supposedly – I can’t tell). So who the hell is she to bother me about whether or not I’m eating? I mean… hello?!? Once a day is STILL starvation. At least my body is in ketosis so it’s not technically starving at the moment.

@Annie – Aw thanks :) Hopefully I can keep it up for another 16 days.

@FatBitch – I’ll have been there two years next January, and I’m planning to leave next February before my birthday. I’m really aiming for that two year marker, because it looks way better on a resume. My pains seemed to have passed so I’m going to stick with it. If anything serious happens and I NEED to break it then I will. I am just hoping for the best right now and I felt a lot better today. I only told two coworkers about my fast and neither of them have said anything. The rumors and speculation going around at the moment have been started simply from the fact that I’ve noticeably lost so much weight, and some people just can’t mind their own business. No one besides Missy and Malaika actually KNOW for a fact that I’m not eating. I don’t mind long comments at all. I enjoy them actually *hugs back*

@Sarah – Yeah I work at Pizza Hut, so the food there definitely isn’t of the healthy variety. My theory on all the bitchiness is that they’re all (for the most part) middle-aged, overweight, and never going anywhere with their lives. Most of them have been working there for a very long time now, and have no chance of doing other things. Then add to that the fact that I’ve lost so much weight and I’m starting college classes on Monday, and all the bitterness and jealousy comes to the surface. They know I’m going somewhere with my life and I’m sure that pisses them off to no end.

@Gracereturnsslowly – Aww that sounds awful I’m sorry. I personally don’t know how you handle not eating dairy products. I’m not going to lie, I love my dairy. Cottage cheese, milk, eggs, cheese… you name it, I eat it. I used to be a vegetarian for two years, though, when I was younger. My family absolutely hated it and made me start eating meat again. I tried to go back this past year, but I found that I couldn’t. I just love chicken too much now. I hate pork and I’m not particularly fond of fish, and I don’t really eat much beef (maybe an occasional steak), but I just LOVE chicken. I don’t know why. Oh she’s trying to lose weight now. She said she’s only eating one meal a day, so that’s still starvation, which means she has NO right to give me shit about whether or not I’m eating.

@Sammy – Lol go on then! :) I would love to see you reach the 140’s. I would just be so proud. I think with the new plan we talked about today you will do just fine. Just make sure you stay above 500 missy. *waggles finger playfully* Wow… when you say “my child” it’s just weird to me, cuz I’m older than you. *giggles* I love a good chick flick too. I hate being such a baby that I cry, but I love the movies. Vitamin Water Zero is this: Click Me. I personally enjoy that flavor but there are a lot of other flavors too. Awesome stuff. I also drink SmartWater: Click Me. Psssh… I think we might reach it at the same time. I don’t want to be thin before you. I want to be thin with you! lol

@Christina – Yeah, I know you’re right. It’s just hard when the majority of people are making snide comments to you. Have you ever noticed that bullies like to stick together? Well that is definitely the case, and Pizza Hut is full of them. I am trying my very best to be strong through this sometimes challenging process. Being able to come on here and talk to you guys helps a lot. Thanks for being here for me!

@Mia – Well that’s good. I hope you can stay away from purging, because the side effects are just awful (been there – part of my back molar crumbled off). I’m sure you will manage to keep it under control, as long as you don’t get too skinny like you said.

@Run – I’m in complete awe that you’ve fasted for 22 days so far. *admires* That’s just awesome. I’ve noticed the bitchy nurse thing! I deliver to the hospital down the street frequently and they are so rude. Also, every time I’ve visited the hospital because of a family member it seems like the nurse is really bitchy. I don’t get it. They’re supposed to be helping people, which means they should be nice to said people. Maybe they should consider having a stay at the hospital to get the sticks surgically removed from their asses.

@americaneagle – I inspire you? O.o Chica you are so tiny! You inspire ME! Lol It seems you have plenty of willpower. ^^ Wouldn’t that just be hilarious if she did gain a bunch of weight after being a bitch about my weight loss? That would serve her well. Aw yeah it was a great movie. The part where I started crying was when her dad bought them a house as a wedding gift. I was just like: omg that’s so sweet… *sobs* hahaha