Water fast a no-go, at least for now

I made it 18 hours then caved. Urgh. In my defense, my dad kept going on and on about food *grumbles* However, I'm happy to say that I'm back to calorie restricting and I've been keeping track of everything in my little black book. Ir's a government holiday today, so no work. I'm just lounging in bed watching Wire in the Blood (Simone Lahbib - *drools*) and occasionally writing on my fanfiction. ^.^

One step forward, four steps back...

I fell off the wagon recently, big time. I won't even say how much I weigh right now, because it's too embarrassing, but seeing it on the scale was the kick in the ass I needed to start losing weight again. May 25th is officially the beginning of a new water fast for me, and I've jump-started it with a salt water flush. *crosses fingers* Here's to hoping I can stick with it... We'll see how it goes.

Back to 165!

I'm am officially back to 165.0lbs as of this morning. Woo! That means I'm 60lbs down from my highest weight and I've got 50 more to go to 115. I'm not sure if I want to get that low, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It was a great day at work. We were extremely slow so I spent most of the day reading Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare, which turned out to be an amazing book. I just finished it a few hours ago and I can't wait to read Clockwork Prince, the second in the series. I've put the hold request in with the library but it's on high demand, so it will probably be a while before I get my hands on it. Tomorrow I'm going to begin reading Eragon. I have it checked out already along with Brisingr, Eldest, and Inheritance. I've been meaning to read this series for years so I'm pretty excited about it. The downside to my day is that I realized this evening that I've lost my checkbook and I can't find it anywhere. The only thing I can guess is that it fell out of my purse at some point, so I'm hoping no one picks it up and starts writing checks in my name. I suppose I'll have to call the bank in the morning and notify them. Ugh. Why do these things keep happening to me? Is this punishment for last year? This is supposed to be my new year of having everything under control, but it seems like obstacles keep popping up everywhere I turn. I hate this. I hate not being in control and basically being slapped in the face when I'm trying to turn my life around. It's not just losing the checkbook. It's everything that keeps happening. I feel like I can't get a break, but this too shall pass. That's what I have to remember and try to stay positive. This too shall pass. *deep breaths* lol

Hell of a Friday

I got a lot of bad news on Friday so the day was completely hectic. The bank closed my checking account because of an overdraft and inactivity, so I had to use the last of my reserve money to clear that and open a new account, so I can get my checks from the government center direct deposited. I had to leave work to go to the bank, then go to the college to endorse my student loan check (which they FINALLY processed, even though they didn't tell me - I had to get the director of the financial aid dept on the phone to find out), and then I had to go back to work and up to Human Resources to change my direct deposit, and then I had to go home to change for my other job. When I got there I got into it with one of the waitresses I've known since I started. She got in my face and called me a drug addict and told me I'm not bipolar and all this bullshit. I've been diagnosed by more than one medical doctor and I've been to more than one therapist, and I'm completely clean off the drugs thank you very much. I got so pissed and lost it. It was an all-out screaming/cussing match in the parking lot. Then they tried to get me to go in and answer the phone, which is not a good idea when I'm pissed, so I clocked out and walked out. Last night was exactly two years to the day and tonight was supposed to be my last night there (I put in my notice two weeks ago), but I'm not going in tonight. Fuck that. On a happier note, I'm back down to 166.6 lbs. I'm losing weight by the day and I love it. I've gotten back into the habit of eating healthy foods and not drinking any kind of soda. I'll post my meals from the last two days below to give you guys an idea of how I eat now. Stay strong ladies :)

1/19/12 (168 lbs):
Breakfast:
- 7" inch banana (90) + 8oz fat free milk (80)
Lunch:
- 2 slices Sara Lee wheat bread (90) + 2 slices Land O' Lakes hickory smoked turkey breast (35) + 1 slice Sargento colby-jack cheese (70) + mustard (0)
Dinner:
- 2/3 cup steamed cut green beans (30)
- 3.2oz broiled salmon (80) + lemon juice (2)
- iced oatmeal cookie (65)
Snacks:
- 3.6oz orange slices (47)
- 3.2oz celery (13) + 2 tbsp light cream cheese (70)
- Fiber One snack bar (140)
Gum:
- 2 pieces Extra fruit sensations (10) + 1 piece Trident original (3)
Beverages:
- 8oz herbal tea (0) + 32oz water (0) + 32oz black coffee (0) + 8oz V8 juice (50)
Total: 885

1/20/12 (167.4 lbs):
Breakfast:
- Yoplait light very cherry (100) + 8oz fat free milk (80)
Lunch:
- 2 slices SL wheat bread (90) + 2 slices turkey (35) + 1 slice colby (70) + mustard (0)
Dinner:
- 3.3oz baked chicken breast (91)
- 2/3 cup steamed cut green beans (30)
- iced oatmeal cookie (65)
Snacks:
- 4.2oz orange slices (55)
- all-natural applesauce cup (50)
Beverages:
- 8oz herbal tea (0) + 16oz water (0) + 48oz black coffee (0) + 8oz V8 juice (50)
Total: 716

First Day at the Government Center

I started back at the Columbus Consolidated Government today and it was great. I get to keep my lunch and snacks in the fridge and make as much herbal tea and coffee as I want. I don't have the time to do that between classes so I'm loving it. The stress level isn't half as much as it is at Pizza Hut at I make a lot more money, so I think I made a good decision in leaving. Saturday night is my last night as a delivery driver, and this Friday makes two years there. Woo! :) I have my first quiz tomorrow in World History and I'm kind of excited because I absolutely love history. I think I'm going to ace it. I'm back to losing weight also so I'm happy with that, especially since my bipolar medication makes people gain weight. It did that with me at first so I have to do a lot to counteract it, but I've had success so far. I've been grilling, broiling, and baking fresh salmon and chicken breasts, and eating lots of fresh fruits and steamed veggies. It feels really good to be off of processed foods and soda again. I have more energy and I feel fuller longer. I appreciate all of you that have continued to follow this blog and comment. I love you all and hope you're doing well.

Sammy - He's not crazy, he just doesn't understand because he's never been through it personally. We're back on good terms again, and I think he's really trying to cut me some slack, which I appreciate. I finally got my hands on some Midol so that took care of my cramps and awful period moodiness, and I do eat yogurt regularly. :) Yoplait light is my favorite and I drink 8oz of fat free milk every morning. Thank you for your continued support. I don't know what I'd do without you and some of my other close friends on here. Expect comments from me soon. My schedule is just crazy right now so I don't have much time to read. *huggies* ♥

Christina - Yayyyy! I haven't heard from you in so long, and I know that's partly my fault for being away for so long. I'm glad to have you back, and I'm feeling much better. :) I have a really busy schedule now but I'll try and catch up on your blog when I can.

Rough Morning

I had a really bad morning today. I woke up feeling okay and then I got some bad news in the mail that set me off. It was a snowball effect from that moment on. My dad and I were going to do grocery shopping and I told him to leave me alone because I knew my temper was about to snap, but he doesn't know when to stop pushing my buttons. He kept saying, "You can choose to control it," and blah, blah, blah, but there's a reason I'm on medication. I was diagnosed with type 2 bipolar and anxiety disorder recently and I've been becoming increasingly volatile. The smallest things make me lose it and I went ape shit. He threatened to slap me and I threatened to slap him back if he tried it, so we left Walmart with nothing and I walked home. He said, "Get in the truck stupid," so I grabbed my purse, slammed the door, and walked the rest of the way home. When I got back I took some more of my medication and calmed down a bit, and I even tried to apologize, but he just kept pushing my buttons so I started screaming again. He just doesn't get it and it frustrates me to no end. I told him if he ever hit me I'd leave him black and blue, and he didn't seem to believe me, but I'm completely serious. I'll never let anyone hit me without consequences. So now I'm holed up in my room trying to calm down. It doesn't help that I started my period this morning and my doctor took me off birth control last month because of how much I smoke. She's worried I'll get a blood clot and have a stroke, but I've been on them for years now to control my hormones. This is my first period in years without birth control to regulate it, so my hormones and mood are all over the place, and I'm in an immense amount of pain. I got even more pissed when I went into the medicine isle at Walmart and they were completely out of Midol. That's the only other thing that helps me on my period, and I don't have any. But he just kept pushing my buttons. I'll probably go over to my best friend's house in a little while, after the episode of The Biggest Loser I'm watching is over. I don't know if that will help or not, because there are three babies and two puppies in that house, and all the crying and puppy whining might set me off again. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. The only good thing that happened today was that I asked Christie out again, and I missed her dearly. We're going to give it another go and I hope it works out this time. It ended last year because I became really unstable and called it off, but I want things to be different this time. I'm going to have to go back and see my doctor as soon as possible to let her know what's going on. I hope you've all had a much better day than me. Stay strong and beautiful. I love you guys :)

First Day of Classes

I changed my mind about doing the water fast this month, because my 21st birthday is right around the corner and I want to be able to go to a restaurant with my family to celebrate. Therefore, I will be starting it sometime in the middle of February after my birthday. I had my first day of classes today and so far I like most of them. My Biology professor is hilarious, my Spanish professor is really nice, my swimming for fitness instructor seems like a nice enough guy, and my History professor keeps me engaged in the lesson. The only class I don't like so far is Psychology, and not because of the subject, because my teacher is a drone and I couldn't stop myself from falling asleep within the first ten minutes. I'm so glad she'll be posting the lecture notes online so I can print and study them at home. There is absolutely no way I'll be able to stay awake in that class; she is SO BORING!!! On a happier note, I'm back down to 170. Wooo! :)

Sammy - Thirty days will be rough but I'm determined to do it. I'm very proud of myself for getting all of my shit together again, and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I have the support of my family and friends and I think that's really going to help me stay motivated, especially now that I've eliminated the negative influences in my life. I wish you all the best in fulfilling your resolutions, no matter how many there are. :) I'm glad to be back and I really missed you too! *huggles*

Gracereturnsslowly - Yayyyy! lol Yes I'm back, and thanks for the good luck hun

Nasimiyu - It is kind of fun, and better yet it motivates me to accomplish things when normally I might give up. Thankies. I plan to actually pass my classes this time and not drop them.

New Year's Resolution Game

Hey everyone! I've been gone for a while and a lot has happened in that time. I'm completely clean off of drugs, I'm re-enrolled in college classes, I got my old job back, and I restarted my 30-day water fast today. Last year I made it 17 days before I gave up. I'm hoping I have the inner strength and resolve to stick it out this time. My best friend came up with a new year's resolution game that she and I are playing along with her older sister. We had to write up a list of at least 75 things that we have to accomplish before the end of 2012. If we don't complete all 75 there's a punishment (running around a local park in our underwear) and if we complete more than 75 we get a reward (I'm thinking I'd like to go on a cruise in 2013). I'll probably make a separate page for the resolution list and post the complete list there. Wish me luck everyone! :) It feels good to be back.

What I've been up to since I've been gone... my longest post ever.

I’m having a much better day today than yesterday, though I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I’ll be doing that as soon as I’ve finished writing this. I’ve completely flipped my sleeping schedule so I’m generally asleep during the day and well into the afternoon, and then I’m up all night which suits me just fine. To let everyone know, this entry is going to be VERY lengthy and full of information, because I really just need to put it all down and clear my head. It’s a tangled up mess at the moment that needs to be sorted. That being said, I have a few interesting tales to tell from my absence on here.

I went to a Halloween party this past Saturday night that one of my good friends from high school hosted, and her fiancé invited me to join him in the AA group he’s been going to (court ordered for his third DUI). I’ve decided I’m going to take him up on the offer, possibly starting as soon as next Sunday. It’s once a week for an hour, completely free and anonymous, and I won’t be turned in or sent anywhere. It’ll be nice to have a group of people I can talk to who understand the things I’m going through. I thought it was only for alcoholics but Byron said that people go there to deal with drug addiction and family problems as well. I’m really nervous to go and blurt out my problems to strangers, but I need to make a change fast while I have the will to do it.

I know that if I keep at it much longer I’ll spiral completely down to Never-Never-Return-to-Sanity Land, and I really don’t want that to happen. I hit a point where I was begging every drug dealer I knew to find me meth and heroin because the cocaine wasn’t getting me high enough for my liking anymore, and I seriously considered injecting with a needle. I have since decided that would be a huge, potentially fatal mistake, and I won’t be doing it ever. I just refuse to take the risk. On one occasion I took a heroin-based ecstasy pill alone at night and had a really terrible trip. It made me tap into my innermost thoughts and feelings, a lot of which are filled with pain, so I spent hours crying nonstop. I even cried in front of my father and talked about my issues with my mother dying, which is something we rarely do. We don’t like to dwell on the pain, but I couldn’t block any of it out when I was on that stuff. It hit me like a concrete block in the face. I won’t be doing it again either. I had absolutely no control over my emotions and at one point in the early morning I nearly had a severe panic attack. It was no fun at all.

The weekend before last I drove up to Atlanta to go to Six Flags (an amusement park if you’re not familiar with it) with a group of my friends. We bought season passes as a group so we got an awesome discount and free parking for all of next year. I thought it was going to be a really great day, but my ride buddy flaked out and didn’t come, so I was the fifth wheel all day long. I had to stand alone and watch my friends be all cuddly with each other and it sucked. I hate that lonely feeling when you’re in a group of people with an odd number. Anyway, in the afternoon we decided to go out to my friend’s car to smoke some weed and have a few lines of coke, and as soon as we got to it we saw that he had a flat tire; completely flat, like skin on pavement. Even worse, he had absolutely no idea how to change the tire, nor did his girlfriend or my other two friends. Luckily, my father taught me how years ago.

We had to walk all the way back from the hotel where he’d parked to the parking inside Six Flags where I’d parked, because he didn’t have the right equipment to change it in his trunk. It felt so weird teaching a guy how to change a tire, and I did most of the work myself. Of course my uber high-maintenance girly friends didn’t offer to lift a finger, because they wouldn’t want to break a nail. They sat in my air conditioned car while DC and I sweated our asses off. I ended up with black palms and a huge scrape on my wrist (he broke my car jack and the car fell down and I barely got my hand out in time), but in the end we got his spare on proper and went back to the park. By then all of us were a bit irritated and tired from walking all day, so the last few hours were spent bickering about whether we wanted to stay or leave and which ride to wait in line for. We ended up wasting so much time walking around arguing that we didn’t ride anything else before we left. What a great day at the amusement park… not.

I broke my two-and-a-half-year voluntary celibacy earlier this month. I’m not too pleased with myself on that now, but it’s done and I can’t change it. It all started with an online dating profile I’d set up after my last serious girlfriend and I split up. I went on a bunch of dates with a bunch of really lame people who only wanted to get in my pants, and then one day I got a message from a girl who looked nice and seemed to be a decent, intelligent person, so I agreed to meet with her. It was only after that I found out she was married and she and her husband were looking for a threesome. At first I was very hesitant and said no, because men do nothing for me, but then my curiosity got the best of me since I’d never had a threesome before. Anyway, I ended up doing it and causing a huge fight between them. They have more fights than any couple I know and they’re both really jealous by nature, so my being there only created a problem.

Then in the following weeks I had sex with two more men. Both times I was completely wasted on drugs and alcohol, so the memories are more of a watercolor than a perfect portrait. After that I started hanging out with the married couple again and we decided to give dating a shot as a group, which I’ve actually done in the past (don’t know why I was stupid enough to make that mistake again). It was pleasant for about two days, and then all the fighting started up again between them and when they fight they get really cold and silent.

They literally wouldn’t speak at all and they’d ignore each other and me. I really hate being ignored. I’d rather have someone tell me what the problem is so I can fix it, but they both refused to communicate so that was the end of that. I won’t waste my time on anyone who won’t talk to me openly and honestly, because I’ve learned from personal experience that keeping secrets and bottling things up only leads to destruction in relationships. To be honest, though, I don’t think it would have worked anyway, because they’re legally married and my heart is still pinned to someone else. I’m going to try really hard to work things out with her because she means a hell of a lot to me. Since we split I’ve had her on my mind a lot. I still wear the ring from our matching set and keep pictures of her on my phone, because that’s the only way I can see her face right now.

We’ve actually started talking again and I’m really pleased because I think we’re on the right track now. We were both dealing with a ton of personal shit when we were together and I think the time apart gave us both space we needed. Unfortunately, I turned into a complete disaster in the meantime, and then my grandmother died and it kept going downhill from there. I’m slowly trying to climb back up and I’ve promised myself that I’m done with casual sex for good. It’s meaningless and does nothing for me, and I would much rather be with one person I’m in love with, even if that means waiting for a long time. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.

I’m determined that I will find my way back to the person I was before I fell in with the wrong crowd of people. Almost every single person I work with is on at least one illegal substance regularly and that’s where I picked it up, because I never touched hard drugs in high school. If my job piss tested at all then nearly everyone would be fired, including one of our shift managers. I actually used to buy my weed from her. Our general manager even used to be a huge stoner back in the day, which I found out last year when I decided to try and make pot brownies. I asked the regular weed smokers there about it and none of them knew so I took a shot in the dark and asked my GM. I was totally shocked when she actually gave me an answer and admitted to having made them a lot in the past.

Most of my coworkers are not bad people, just people who’ve had little education and rough lives. You don’t really need any qualifications to make a pizza, and I have friends who work in other restaurants around here and they’ve told me they’re all the same. Apparently the restaurant biz is the place to go if you’re a junkie. A lot of us used to socialize regularly outside of work simply for the fact that we all wanted to get high, but I won’t be going over to smoke with them anymore. I plan to quit working there in the very beginning of February, before my birthday, and get my job back in the elections department of our city government center. It’s a temporary position that will last through the election cycle next year, but it pays way more than I make right now. If I want to get that job, though, I’ll have to be completely clean because they do a drug test before they hire you and then randomly after that.

I’ve decided to try and not regret my varied/wild/insane experiences of this past month and just take them as life lessons learned. Even as depressed as I’ve been lately, I still have enough fire left in me to fight this because I’ve realized I don’t want to end up a thirty-year-old junkie living in a ghetto trailer park and living off welfare with six starving kids. I want a better life than that. I want to clean up my act, settle into a serious relationship, and get a career started. I’m not sure what it will be yet, but I have time to figure it out still. If I can get my passion for writing back I may try and make it as a novelist. If I get some proper vocal training I might even try for singing. I have a nice voice for mellow indie music like Ingrid Michaelson and Dido. It was suggested to me that I should try learning piano and singing in piano bars where that kind of music is popular. I honestly just can’t make up my mind at the moment. Two months ago I was convinced I wanted to be a marine biologist and study sharks up close and personal. I love all things dangerous and adrenaline-causing, and that certainly would be.

As I mentioned in my previous entry, I dropped all of my college classes recently for this semester. I wasn’t going to any of them because I couldn’t find the will to get out of bed at all for days at a time, weeks in a row. My mood swings have been getting gradually worse. I don’t know exactly what mental disorder classification I’m in at the moment, because I haven’t yet spoken to a proper psychiatrist. I’ve only spoken to my general physician about getting a referral to a therapist, and she put me on antidepressants and some anti-anxiety pills to calm me down. I tend to get wound up sometimes and have mini panic attacks. Thus far I’ve only had two really huge ones where I’ve started hyperventilating and had to breathe into a bag, so I’m counting my lucky stars on that and hope to keep it that way. I also fidget constantly and have an annoying habit of talking too much when my nerves go haywire.

The problem is that what she prescribed doesn’t seem to work for me. It made me really sleepy to the point where I couldn’t drive safely, so I had to call the whole weekend out of work, and it made me sick to my stomach, but it didn’t make me feel less anxious. I looked it up online and found out it’s a kind of tranquilizer used to treat mild cases of anxiety and insomnia, but that’s not what I want. I don’t need something to just knock me out, because I need to be awake and aware if I’m going to keep working, and besides I’ll still feel shitty when I wake up. I need something that will kick in fast enough to calm me down when I freak out, because my mood shifts aren’t subtle at all. They come out of nowhere with the smallest of triggers, and a lot of times I can’t pinpoint a specific cause or reason. I told my doctor I thought I might be bipolar and she doesn’t think I am, but that’s what it feels like. I feel like my entire day is a game of chance and I’m gambling with my sanity. Unfortunately doctors are really hesitant to prescribe the pills I need because of all the addiction potential. The thing I’ve found that works best to calm me quickly is Xanax, but it’s really, really hard to get a prescription for now.

I’m going back in a month to check in with my doctor and if the anti-anxiety meds she gave me still aren’t working then she’ll just have to switch me. I can’t afford to have random freak-outs at any given moment because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, so I need a near-instant off switch. On a lighter note, my dad and I are getting on much better. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that we used to fight a lot when I was growing up, and then we learned to be civil after I turned 18 but we rarely spoke. Now we actually sit in the same room and have conversations. I’ve made him watch a show I love called Bad Girls (British show about a women’s prison) and I know he only watches it to humor me but it gets us in the same room and talking.

I’ve also just potentially made a new friend. I actually met her in high school but we never became friends. I remember at one point in time she was good friends with my best friend at the time and I disliked her, though I can’t recall why for the life of me. It must have been some petty high school drama not worth remembering. Anyway, I had a bit of a fit last night and started cutting really badly. There was a lot of blood and I knew I needed to stop and not be alone, so I called the person I usually call in these instances. She took the approach that I need to learn to cope on my own and stop relying on her to calm me down, which I understand, but I really needed support and I’m a little hurt she didn’t give it to me.

She gave me Becca’s number instead and told me I should talk to her because we have very similar issues, which turned out to be a good thing. Becca came right over to my apartment in the middle of the morning to make sure I was okay and just listen. I spilled my problems and listened to hers, and I found out that we are, in fact, very alike. I described my mood swings and anxiety issues to her and she goes through the same thing. She takes mood stabilizers because antidepressants make her feel suicidal, which I’ve personally experienced. I’ve never been a suicidal person at all, even when I’m depressed, but as soon as I started taking this shit I got even more moody and unstable than before, and I felt like slitting my wrists. I just don’t think they agree with my body.

It wouldn’t be the first time my doctor prescribed the wrong thing to me. She’s done it before so now I’m wondering if I should switch physicians. The only issue is that I’m on my dad’s insurance so I have to pick from the list of available doctors covered by our plan, and she’s the only female physician on the list who’s taking new patients. I’ve only ever had a female doctor ever since I hit puberty and the thought of having a male one makes me very uncomfortable. If she can’t help me, though, I may just have to suck it up. I don’t want to come out worse than I went in.

I’m actually looking forward to this afternoon because Becca is supposed to come back over so we can talk more and watch movies and stuff. From the little time I spent with her I found out she’s actually a really nice person and I just never gave her a chance in high school. I think we’re definitely going to be good friends. As soon as she saw my massive movie collection she started going on about it. We like basically all of the same shows and she’s the only friend I have here who will actually sit down and watch The O.C. with me. If you’re not familiar, it’s an American high school/teen drama show. I don’t usually watch those types of shows because they annoy the shit out of me, but it’s definitely an exception. I’m super excited because I’ve been wanting to re-watch it for a while and I have the collector’s edition set.

Neither of us have anything to do most of the week since I dropped my classes and she’s on mental disorder/disability pay from the government, which means she’s not allowed to have a job. After I quit Pizza Hut, if I don’t decide to go back to the CCG, I might apply for it because she explained the process and told me that I would definitely qualify. I’m sure most of the people reading this have experienced some form of depression or a mental disorder of some sort (otherwise we all probably wouldn’t be on here) so I’m sure you can understand that holding down a job while taking serious prescription medicine is not an easy thing.

I am dreading the thought of going to work next weekend. I don’t know how I’m going to last until February. I suppose I’ll just have to force myself to go if I still feel this way next weekend, but I’m honestly hoping that these meds start improving my mood soon because otherwise I take it out on everyone around me unintentionally, and that’s a really bad thing if I want to keep my job. I already pissed a few people off by blowing up on them last week. I don’t mean to do it but sometimes I can’t control it. It’s a scary and overwhelming feeling to have so much anger and pain inside, and to try and hold it in when someone pisses me off and I just want to scream bloody murder, which happens frequently at my job. I’m not much of a people person to begin with and all I do there is deal with rude people. I feel like a ticking time bomb and as time passes I come closer to detonating, and I know that the drugs I’ve been doing only make it worse (especially the withdrawals), which is just another reason for me to give them up.

Even now I can feel the headache coming on as I’m writing this, so I’m going to wrap up this mini-novel, take some aspirin, and go to sleep. I’ll try and update more frequently and not be gone as long as I was before. If you’re still reading this I am absolutely astounded and have to give you kudos, and if you are I hope you’re in a much better place than I am emotionally, and if not then I hope that some of the things I said might bring you hope. Until next time… love you all and good morning/night (to my sweet girl on the other side of the world. I hope we have time to talk again later).

My life as of late. Content warning.

Life has been shit for me lately. You can party it up until you pass out, but when you wake up in the morning you’re just the same person as the day before. Since I last updated I’ve been on an insane roller coaster, literally and figuratively. I’ve dropped all my college classes, all but quit my job (I’m hardly there anymore), wasted most of my student loan money on drugs, done hard drugs that I won’t touch again (crack, heroin-based ecstasy, and meth-based ecstasy), begged my drug dealers to find me meth and heroin, drank until I puked in the middle of sex, slept with three men even though I don’t like men (I like the attention, even if it’s only momentary), dated a married couple as the third wheel (fucking miserable experience), and my grandmother died. My depression and anxiety have started acting up again so that I feel like a yo-yo all day long. One minute I’m relaxed and the next I could kill someone. Damn near punched a bloody hole in the wall I got so wound up. Went to my doc and got some antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills, which aren’t doing shit at the moment. I feel even worse than I did before. I’ve become a moody, psychotic bitch and I’m considering going to AA next month to try and stop using cocaine and slow down on the alcohol. I generally have a drink as soon as I wake up in the morning, and if I don’t get a dose of coke on a daily basis I get extremely irritable. I’ve also started cutting again, but more than just a few shallow lines on my hip. This time it’s my wrist and I’ve marked it up so bad the whole thing’s red. I filled half a shot glass with my own blood and chucked it straight down my throat, which has me convinced I’ve definitely gone round the bend a bit. I asked my doctor to get me a referral to a therapist because I know I need help, but I’m also scared. If I tell them about the drugs they’ll send me to rehab, which I can’t afford and insurance won't cover. If I tell them about my anorexia (I’ve stopped puking up completely) they’ll lock me in the Bradley Center (local mental institution). So when it comes down to it I’m really scared to go, even though I know I need to talk to someone and get my shit sorted. I feel like I’ve thrown my life down the toilet. I’m a miserable mess most of the time, but the one bright spot on my day was that my weight was down two pounds this morning from yesterday. I’ve barely eaten a thing in three days. I know that’s not a good thing, but the devil on my shoulder is cheering me on and telling me well done. I just want that passion for life that I used to have back, and I want an actual involved relationship with a woman that I care about. I have one in mind but she lives on the other side of the world. I don’t know if she’d even have me back now, but I think about her all the time. I’d love any kind of advice from anyone who has similar problems or past experiences, but no negative comments please. I already feel like shit without criticism from others. I've also updated my stats, goals, rewards, and measurements if you're curious. I did gain quite a bit recently but I'm back to losing now.