We're gonna party like, like it's the end of the world...

I know I've pulled a disappearing act again... sorry. I've been pretty wrapped up in things offline lately. Last Friday I went to a party with one of my friends and got hammered. We played a drinking game called California Kings, which was complicated but fun. I didn't actually get drunk until later when I got back to my apartment, but I almost got suckered in to smoking weed laced with DMT. Luckily, I had a supportive friend with me and she helped talk me out of it (I would've felt absolutely shitty if I'd given in after all this time of being clean). I did, however, get so drunk at my apartment that I passed out in the middle of watching Bad Girls. Good times ;P

As far as my weight is concerned, I have no idea what it is at the moment because I've been too afraid to step on the scale lately. I've been a very bad girl in regards to my eating habits :/ Don't know what else to say about that really...

I'm at work right now slacking off and just figured I'd say hi, let everyone know that I'm still alive and kicking. LOL I think I'll be busy for most of the day writing on my fanfiction. I seem to have gotten some inspiration to continue, so wish me luck in getting a new chapter posted. :D

Take care everyone!

Update from earlier:

So I got home from work and I realized I had no more alcohol, and I don't get paid until tomorrow morning. Well, that's just unacceptable. You know you're an alcoholic when you raid your liquor shelf and pour all the dregs from the empty bottles into one glass. I had 19 different kinds of alcohol from 28 "empty" bottles and I managed to extract about 1/4 cup of hard liquor. I thought it would taste disgusting and possibly make me sick, but surprisingly it's probably the best drink I've ever had.

Ingredients:

Smirnoff regular vodka, Smirnoff watermelon vodka, Smirnoff blueberry vodka, Ruskova vodka, Grey Goose vodka, Jose Cuervo Especial tequila, Camarena Silver tequila, Captain Morgan Parrot Bay coconut, Captain Morgan Parrot Bay pineapple, Hiram Walker peach schnapps, Hiram Walker peppermint schnapps, Dekuyper watermelon pucker, Kinky liqeur, Crown Royal blended Canadian whiskey, Jagermeifter, Johnnie Walker Red Label blended scotch whiskey, McClelland's Highland single malt scotch whiskey, McClelland's Islay single malt scotch whiskey, Glenlivet single malt scotch whiskey

Alcoholism and Applebee's

So I have a problem with alcohol... I accept that, but I'm not willing to give it up yet. I can't go more than a week without a drink or I lose my fucking mind. We went to Applebee's yesterday and it destroyed my lovely calorie intake. *sigh* Oh well... starting over today. Anyone feel like learning Latin or Scottish Gaelic with me? I'm going to try and learn both. My plan is to be fluent in at least ten languages before I die, so I've still got a long time to make this happen. No harm in starting early, eh?

Water fast a no-go, at least for now

I made it 18 hours then caved. Urgh. In my defense, my dad kept going on and on about food *grumbles* However, I'm happy to say that I'm back to calorie restricting and I've been keeping track of everything in my little black book. Ir's a government holiday today, so no work. I'm just lounging in bed watching Wire in the Blood (Simone Lahbib - *drools*) and occasionally writing on my fanfiction. ^.^

One step forward, four steps back...

I fell off the wagon recently, big time. I won't even say how much I weigh right now, because it's too embarrassing, but seeing it on the scale was the kick in the ass I needed to start losing weight again. May 25th is officially the beginning of a new water fast for me, and I've jump-started it with a salt water flush. *crosses fingers* Here's to hoping I can stick with it... We'll see how it goes.

Back to 165!

I'm am officially back to 165.0lbs as of this morning. Woo! That means I'm 60lbs down from my highest weight and I've got 50 more to go to 115. I'm not sure if I want to get that low, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It was a great day at work. We were extremely slow so I spent most of the day reading Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare, which turned out to be an amazing book. I just finished it a few hours ago and I can't wait to read Clockwork Prince, the second in the series. I've put the hold request in with the library but it's on high demand, so it will probably be a while before I get my hands on it. Tomorrow I'm going to begin reading Eragon. I have it checked out already along with Brisingr, Eldest, and Inheritance. I've been meaning to read this series for years so I'm pretty excited about it. The downside to my day is that I realized this evening that I've lost my checkbook and I can't find it anywhere. The only thing I can guess is that it fell out of my purse at some point, so I'm hoping no one picks it up and starts writing checks in my name. I suppose I'll have to call the bank in the morning and notify them. Ugh. Why do these things keep happening to me? Is this punishment for last year? This is supposed to be my new year of having everything under control, but it seems like obstacles keep popping up everywhere I turn. I hate this. I hate not being in control and basically being slapped in the face when I'm trying to turn my life around. It's not just losing the checkbook. It's everything that keeps happening. I feel like I can't get a break, but this too shall pass. That's what I have to remember and try to stay positive. This too shall pass. *deep breaths* lol

Hell of a Friday

I got a lot of bad news on Friday so the day was completely hectic. The bank closed my checking account because of an overdraft and inactivity, so I had to use the last of my reserve money to clear that and open a new account, so I can get my checks from the government center direct deposited. I had to leave work to go to the bank, then go to the college to endorse my student loan check (which they FINALLY processed, even though they didn't tell me - I had to get the director of the financial aid dept on the phone to find out), and then I had to go back to work and up to Human Resources to change my direct deposit, and then I had to go home to change for my other job. When I got there I got into it with one of the waitresses I've known since I started. She got in my face and called me a drug addict and told me I'm not bipolar and all this bullshit. I've been diagnosed by more than one medical doctor and I've been to more than one therapist, and I'm completely clean off the drugs thank you very much. I got so pissed and lost it. It was an all-out screaming/cussing match in the parking lot. Then they tried to get me to go in and answer the phone, which is not a good idea when I'm pissed, so I clocked out and walked out. Last night was exactly two years to the day and tonight was supposed to be my last night there (I put in my notice two weeks ago), but I'm not going in tonight. Fuck that. On a happier note, I'm back down to 166.6 lbs. I'm losing weight by the day and I love it. I've gotten back into the habit of eating healthy foods and not drinking any kind of soda. I'll post my meals from the last two days below to give you guys an idea of how I eat now. Stay strong ladies :)

1/19/12 (168 lbs):
Breakfast:
- 7" inch banana (90) + 8oz fat free milk (80)
Lunch:
- 2 slices Sara Lee wheat bread (90) + 2 slices Land O' Lakes hickory smoked turkey breast (35) + 1 slice Sargento colby-jack cheese (70) + mustard (0)
Dinner:
- 2/3 cup steamed cut green beans (30)
- 3.2oz broiled salmon (80) + lemon juice (2)
- iced oatmeal cookie (65)
Snacks:
- 3.6oz orange slices (47)
- 3.2oz celery (13) + 2 tbsp light cream cheese (70)
- Fiber One snack bar (140)
Gum:
- 2 pieces Extra fruit sensations (10) + 1 piece Trident original (3)
Beverages:
- 8oz herbal tea (0) + 32oz water (0) + 32oz black coffee (0) + 8oz V8 juice (50)
Total: 885

1/20/12 (167.4 lbs):
Breakfast:
- Yoplait light very cherry (100) + 8oz fat free milk (80)
Lunch:
- 2 slices SL wheat bread (90) + 2 slices turkey (35) + 1 slice colby (70) + mustard (0)
Dinner:
- 3.3oz baked chicken breast (91)
- 2/3 cup steamed cut green beans (30)
- iced oatmeal cookie (65)
Snacks:
- 4.2oz orange slices (55)
- all-natural applesauce cup (50)
Beverages:
- 8oz herbal tea (0) + 16oz water (0) + 48oz black coffee (0) + 8oz V8 juice (50)
Total: 716

First Day at the Government Center

I started back at the Columbus Consolidated Government today and it was great. I get to keep my lunch and snacks in the fridge and make as much herbal tea and coffee as I want. I don't have the time to do that between classes so I'm loving it. The stress level isn't half as much as it is at Pizza Hut at I make a lot more money, so I think I made a good decision in leaving. Saturday night is my last night as a delivery driver, and this Friday makes two years there. Woo! :) I have my first quiz tomorrow in World History and I'm kind of excited because I absolutely love history. I think I'm going to ace it. I'm back to losing weight also so I'm happy with that, especially since my bipolar medication makes people gain weight. It did that with me at first so I have to do a lot to counteract it, but I've had success so far. I've been grilling, broiling, and baking fresh salmon and chicken breasts, and eating lots of fresh fruits and steamed veggies. It feels really good to be off of processed foods and soda again. I have more energy and I feel fuller longer. I appreciate all of you that have continued to follow this blog and comment. I love you all and hope you're doing well.

Sammy - He's not crazy, he just doesn't understand because he's never been through it personally. We're back on good terms again, and I think he's really trying to cut me some slack, which I appreciate. I finally got my hands on some Midol so that took care of my cramps and awful period moodiness, and I do eat yogurt regularly. :) Yoplait light is my favorite and I drink 8oz of fat free milk every morning. Thank you for your continued support. I don't know what I'd do without you and some of my other close friends on here. Expect comments from me soon. My schedule is just crazy right now so I don't have much time to read. *huggies* ♥

Christina - Yayyyy! I haven't heard from you in so long, and I know that's partly my fault for being away for so long. I'm glad to have you back, and I'm feeling much better. :) I have a really busy schedule now but I'll try and catch up on your blog when I can.

Rough Morning

I had a really bad morning today. I woke up feeling okay and then I got some bad news in the mail that set me off. It was a snowball effect from that moment on. My dad and I were going to do grocery shopping and I told him to leave me alone because I knew my temper was about to snap, but he doesn't know when to stop pushing my buttons. He kept saying, "You can choose to control it," and blah, blah, blah, but there's a reason I'm on medication. I was diagnosed with type 2 bipolar and anxiety disorder recently and I've been becoming increasingly volatile. The smallest things make me lose it and I went ape shit. He threatened to slap me and I threatened to slap him back if he tried it, so we left Walmart with nothing and I walked home. He said, "Get in the truck stupid," so I grabbed my purse, slammed the door, and walked the rest of the way home. When I got back I took some more of my medication and calmed down a bit, and I even tried to apologize, but he just kept pushing my buttons so I started screaming again. He just doesn't get it and it frustrates me to no end. I told him if he ever hit me I'd leave him black and blue, and he didn't seem to believe me, but I'm completely serious. I'll never let anyone hit me without consequences. So now I'm holed up in my room trying to calm down. It doesn't help that I started my period this morning and my doctor took me off birth control last month because of how much I smoke. She's worried I'll get a blood clot and have a stroke, but I've been on them for years now to control my hormones. This is my first period in years without birth control to regulate it, so my hormones and mood are all over the place, and I'm in an immense amount of pain. I got even more pissed when I went into the medicine isle at Walmart and they were completely out of Midol. That's the only other thing that helps me on my period, and I don't have any. But he just kept pushing my buttons. I'll probably go over to my best friend's house in a little while, after the episode of The Biggest Loser I'm watching is over. I don't know if that will help or not, because there are three babies and two puppies in that house, and all the crying and puppy whining might set me off again. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. The only good thing that happened today was that I asked Christie out again, and I missed her dearly. We're going to give it another go and I hope it works out this time. It ended last year because I became really unstable and called it off, but I want things to be different this time. I'm going to have to go back and see my doctor as soon as possible to let her know what's going on. I hope you've all had a much better day than me. Stay strong and beautiful. I love you guys :)

First Day of Classes

I changed my mind about doing the water fast this month, because my 21st birthday is right around the corner and I want to be able to go to a restaurant with my family to celebrate. Therefore, I will be starting it sometime in the middle of February after my birthday. I had my first day of classes today and so far I like most of them. My Biology professor is hilarious, my Spanish professor is really nice, my swimming for fitness instructor seems like a nice enough guy, and my History professor keeps me engaged in the lesson. The only class I don't like so far is Psychology, and not because of the subject, because my teacher is a drone and I couldn't stop myself from falling asleep within the first ten minutes. I'm so glad she'll be posting the lecture notes online so I can print and study them at home. There is absolutely no way I'll be able to stay awake in that class; she is SO BORING!!! On a happier note, I'm back down to 170. Wooo! :)

Sammy - Thirty days will be rough but I'm determined to do it. I'm very proud of myself for getting all of my shit together again, and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I have the support of my family and friends and I think that's really going to help me stay motivated, especially now that I've eliminated the negative influences in my life. I wish you all the best in fulfilling your resolutions, no matter how many there are. :) I'm glad to be back and I really missed you too! *huggles*

Gracereturnsslowly - Yayyyy! lol Yes I'm back, and thanks for the good luck hun

Nasimiyu - It is kind of fun, and better yet it motivates me to accomplish things when normally I might give up. Thankies. I plan to actually pass my classes this time and not drop them.

New Year's Resolution Game

Hey everyone! I've been gone for a while and a lot has happened in that time. I'm completely clean off of drugs, I'm re-enrolled in college classes, I got my old job back, and I restarted my 30-day water fast today. Last year I made it 17 days before I gave up. I'm hoping I have the inner strength and resolve to stick it out this time. My best friend came up with a new year's resolution game that she and I are playing along with her older sister. We had to write up a list of at least 75 things that we have to accomplish before the end of 2012. If we don't complete all 75 there's a punishment (running around a local park in our underwear) and if we complete more than 75 we get a reward (I'm thinking I'd like to go on a cruise in 2013). I'll probably make a separate page for the resolution list and post the complete list there. Wish me luck everyone! :) It feels good to be back.

What I've been up to since I've been gone... my longest post ever.

I’m having a much better day today than yesterday, though I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I’ll be doing that as soon as I’ve finished writing this. I’ve completely flipped my sleeping schedule so I’m generally asleep during the day and well into the afternoon, and then I’m up all night which suits me just fine. To let everyone know, this entry is going to be VERY lengthy and full of information, because I really just need to put it all down and clear my head. It’s a tangled up mess at the moment that needs to be sorted. That being said, I have a few interesting tales to tell from my absence on here.

I went to a Halloween party this past Saturday night that one of my good friends from high school hosted, and her fiancé invited me to join him in the AA group he’s been going to (court ordered for his third DUI). I’ve decided I’m going to take him up on the offer, possibly starting as soon as next Sunday. It’s once a week for an hour, completely free and anonymous, and I won’t be turned in or sent anywhere. It’ll be nice to have a group of people I can talk to who understand the things I’m going through. I thought it was only for alcoholics but Byron said that people go there to deal with drug addiction and family problems as well. I’m really nervous to go and blurt out my problems to strangers, but I need to make a change fast while I have the will to do it.

I know that if I keep at it much longer I’ll spiral completely down to Never-Never-Return-to-Sanity Land, and I really don’t want that to happen. I hit a point where I was begging every drug dealer I knew to find me meth and heroin because the cocaine wasn’t getting me high enough for my liking anymore, and I seriously considered injecting with a needle. I have since decided that would be a huge, potentially fatal mistake, and I won’t be doing it ever. I just refuse to take the risk. On one occasion I took a heroin-based ecstasy pill alone at night and had a really terrible trip. It made me tap into my innermost thoughts and feelings, a lot of which are filled with pain, so I spent hours crying nonstop. I even cried in front of my father and talked about my issues with my mother dying, which is something we rarely do. We don’t like to dwell on the pain, but I couldn’t block any of it out when I was on that stuff. It hit me like a concrete block in the face. I won’t be doing it again either. I had absolutely no control over my emotions and at one point in the early morning I nearly had a severe panic attack. It was no fun at all.

The weekend before last I drove up to Atlanta to go to Six Flags (an amusement park if you’re not familiar with it) with a group of my friends. We bought season passes as a group so we got an awesome discount and free parking for all of next year. I thought it was going to be a really great day, but my ride buddy flaked out and didn’t come, so I was the fifth wheel all day long. I had to stand alone and watch my friends be all cuddly with each other and it sucked. I hate that lonely feeling when you’re in a group of people with an odd number. Anyway, in the afternoon we decided to go out to my friend’s car to smoke some weed and have a few lines of coke, and as soon as we got to it we saw that he had a flat tire; completely flat, like skin on pavement. Even worse, he had absolutely no idea how to change the tire, nor did his girlfriend or my other two friends. Luckily, my father taught me how years ago.

We had to walk all the way back from the hotel where he’d parked to the parking inside Six Flags where I’d parked, because he didn’t have the right equipment to change it in his trunk. It felt so weird teaching a guy how to change a tire, and I did most of the work myself. Of course my uber high-maintenance girly friends didn’t offer to lift a finger, because they wouldn’t want to break a nail. They sat in my air conditioned car while DC and I sweated our asses off. I ended up with black palms and a huge scrape on my wrist (he broke my car jack and the car fell down and I barely got my hand out in time), but in the end we got his spare on proper and went back to the park. By then all of us were a bit irritated and tired from walking all day, so the last few hours were spent bickering about whether we wanted to stay or leave and which ride to wait in line for. We ended up wasting so much time walking around arguing that we didn’t ride anything else before we left. What a great day at the amusement park… not.

I broke my two-and-a-half-year voluntary celibacy earlier this month. I’m not too pleased with myself on that now, but it’s done and I can’t change it. It all started with an online dating profile I’d set up after my last serious girlfriend and I split up. I went on a bunch of dates with a bunch of really lame people who only wanted to get in my pants, and then one day I got a message from a girl who looked nice and seemed to be a decent, intelligent person, so I agreed to meet with her. It was only after that I found out she was married and she and her husband were looking for a threesome. At first I was very hesitant and said no, because men do nothing for me, but then my curiosity got the best of me since I’d never had a threesome before. Anyway, I ended up doing it and causing a huge fight between them. They have more fights than any couple I know and they’re both really jealous by nature, so my being there only created a problem.

Then in the following weeks I had sex with two more men. Both times I was completely wasted on drugs and alcohol, so the memories are more of a watercolor than a perfect portrait. After that I started hanging out with the married couple again and we decided to give dating a shot as a group, which I’ve actually done in the past (don’t know why I was stupid enough to make that mistake again). It was pleasant for about two days, and then all the fighting started up again between them and when they fight they get really cold and silent.

They literally wouldn’t speak at all and they’d ignore each other and me. I really hate being ignored. I’d rather have someone tell me what the problem is so I can fix it, but they both refused to communicate so that was the end of that. I won’t waste my time on anyone who won’t talk to me openly and honestly, because I’ve learned from personal experience that keeping secrets and bottling things up only leads to destruction in relationships. To be honest, though, I don’t think it would have worked anyway, because they’re legally married and my heart is still pinned to someone else. I’m going to try really hard to work things out with her because she means a hell of a lot to me. Since we split I’ve had her on my mind a lot. I still wear the ring from our matching set and keep pictures of her on my phone, because that’s the only way I can see her face right now.

We’ve actually started talking again and I’m really pleased because I think we’re on the right track now. We were both dealing with a ton of personal shit when we were together and I think the time apart gave us both space we needed. Unfortunately, I turned into a complete disaster in the meantime, and then my grandmother died and it kept going downhill from there. I’m slowly trying to climb back up and I’ve promised myself that I’m done with casual sex for good. It’s meaningless and does nothing for me, and I would much rather be with one person I’m in love with, even if that means waiting for a long time. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.

I’m determined that I will find my way back to the person I was before I fell in with the wrong crowd of people. Almost every single person I work with is on at least one illegal substance regularly and that’s where I picked it up, because I never touched hard drugs in high school. If my job piss tested at all then nearly everyone would be fired, including one of our shift managers. I actually used to buy my weed from her. Our general manager even used to be a huge stoner back in the day, which I found out last year when I decided to try and make pot brownies. I asked the regular weed smokers there about it and none of them knew so I took a shot in the dark and asked my GM. I was totally shocked when she actually gave me an answer and admitted to having made them a lot in the past.

Most of my coworkers are not bad people, just people who’ve had little education and rough lives. You don’t really need any qualifications to make a pizza, and I have friends who work in other restaurants around here and they’ve told me they’re all the same. Apparently the restaurant biz is the place to go if you’re a junkie. A lot of us used to socialize regularly outside of work simply for the fact that we all wanted to get high, but I won’t be going over to smoke with them anymore. I plan to quit working there in the very beginning of February, before my birthday, and get my job back in the elections department of our city government center. It’s a temporary position that will last through the election cycle next year, but it pays way more than I make right now. If I want to get that job, though, I’ll have to be completely clean because they do a drug test before they hire you and then randomly after that.

I’ve decided to try and not regret my varied/wild/insane experiences of this past month and just take them as life lessons learned. Even as depressed as I’ve been lately, I still have enough fire left in me to fight this because I’ve realized I don’t want to end up a thirty-year-old junkie living in a ghetto trailer park and living off welfare with six starving kids. I want a better life than that. I want to clean up my act, settle into a serious relationship, and get a career started. I’m not sure what it will be yet, but I have time to figure it out still. If I can get my passion for writing back I may try and make it as a novelist. If I get some proper vocal training I might even try for singing. I have a nice voice for mellow indie music like Ingrid Michaelson and Dido. It was suggested to me that I should try learning piano and singing in piano bars where that kind of music is popular. I honestly just can’t make up my mind at the moment. Two months ago I was convinced I wanted to be a marine biologist and study sharks up close and personal. I love all things dangerous and adrenaline-causing, and that certainly would be.

As I mentioned in my previous entry, I dropped all of my college classes recently for this semester. I wasn’t going to any of them because I couldn’t find the will to get out of bed at all for days at a time, weeks in a row. My mood swings have been getting gradually worse. I don’t know exactly what mental disorder classification I’m in at the moment, because I haven’t yet spoken to a proper psychiatrist. I’ve only spoken to my general physician about getting a referral to a therapist, and she put me on antidepressants and some anti-anxiety pills to calm me down. I tend to get wound up sometimes and have mini panic attacks. Thus far I’ve only had two really huge ones where I’ve started hyperventilating and had to breathe into a bag, so I’m counting my lucky stars on that and hope to keep it that way. I also fidget constantly and have an annoying habit of talking too much when my nerves go haywire.

The problem is that what she prescribed doesn’t seem to work for me. It made me really sleepy to the point where I couldn’t drive safely, so I had to call the whole weekend out of work, and it made me sick to my stomach, but it didn’t make me feel less anxious. I looked it up online and found out it’s a kind of tranquilizer used to treat mild cases of anxiety and insomnia, but that’s not what I want. I don’t need something to just knock me out, because I need to be awake and aware if I’m going to keep working, and besides I’ll still feel shitty when I wake up. I need something that will kick in fast enough to calm me down when I freak out, because my mood shifts aren’t subtle at all. They come out of nowhere with the smallest of triggers, and a lot of times I can’t pinpoint a specific cause or reason. I told my doctor I thought I might be bipolar and she doesn’t think I am, but that’s what it feels like. I feel like my entire day is a game of chance and I’m gambling with my sanity. Unfortunately doctors are really hesitant to prescribe the pills I need because of all the addiction potential. The thing I’ve found that works best to calm me quickly is Xanax, but it’s really, really hard to get a prescription for now.

I’m going back in a month to check in with my doctor and if the anti-anxiety meds she gave me still aren’t working then she’ll just have to switch me. I can’t afford to have random freak-outs at any given moment because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, so I need a near-instant off switch. On a lighter note, my dad and I are getting on much better. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that we used to fight a lot when I was growing up, and then we learned to be civil after I turned 18 but we rarely spoke. Now we actually sit in the same room and have conversations. I’ve made him watch a show I love called Bad Girls (British show about a women’s prison) and I know he only watches it to humor me but it gets us in the same room and talking.

I’ve also just potentially made a new friend. I actually met her in high school but we never became friends. I remember at one point in time she was good friends with my best friend at the time and I disliked her, though I can’t recall why for the life of me. It must have been some petty high school drama not worth remembering. Anyway, I had a bit of a fit last night and started cutting really badly. There was a lot of blood and I knew I needed to stop and not be alone, so I called the person I usually call in these instances. She took the approach that I need to learn to cope on my own and stop relying on her to calm me down, which I understand, but I really needed support and I’m a little hurt she didn’t give it to me.

She gave me Becca’s number instead and told me I should talk to her because we have very similar issues, which turned out to be a good thing. Becca came right over to my apartment in the middle of the morning to make sure I was okay and just listen. I spilled my problems and listened to hers, and I found out that we are, in fact, very alike. I described my mood swings and anxiety issues to her and she goes through the same thing. She takes mood stabilizers because antidepressants make her feel suicidal, which I’ve personally experienced. I’ve never been a suicidal person at all, even when I’m depressed, but as soon as I started taking this shit I got even more moody and unstable than before, and I felt like slitting my wrists. I just don’t think they agree with my body.

It wouldn’t be the first time my doctor prescribed the wrong thing to me. She’s done it before so now I’m wondering if I should switch physicians. The only issue is that I’m on my dad’s insurance so I have to pick from the list of available doctors covered by our plan, and she’s the only female physician on the list who’s taking new patients. I’ve only ever had a female doctor ever since I hit puberty and the thought of having a male one makes me very uncomfortable. If she can’t help me, though, I may just have to suck it up. I don’t want to come out worse than I went in.

I’m actually looking forward to this afternoon because Becca is supposed to come back over so we can talk more and watch movies and stuff. From the little time I spent with her I found out she’s actually a really nice person and I just never gave her a chance in high school. I think we’re definitely going to be good friends. As soon as she saw my massive movie collection she started going on about it. We like basically all of the same shows and she’s the only friend I have here who will actually sit down and watch The O.C. with me. If you’re not familiar, it’s an American high school/teen drama show. I don’t usually watch those types of shows because they annoy the shit out of me, but it’s definitely an exception. I’m super excited because I’ve been wanting to re-watch it for a while and I have the collector’s edition set.

Neither of us have anything to do most of the week since I dropped my classes and she’s on mental disorder/disability pay from the government, which means she’s not allowed to have a job. After I quit Pizza Hut, if I don’t decide to go back to the CCG, I might apply for it because she explained the process and told me that I would definitely qualify. I’m sure most of the people reading this have experienced some form of depression or a mental disorder of some sort (otherwise we all probably wouldn’t be on here) so I’m sure you can understand that holding down a job while taking serious prescription medicine is not an easy thing.

I am dreading the thought of going to work next weekend. I don’t know how I’m going to last until February. I suppose I’ll just have to force myself to go if I still feel this way next weekend, but I’m honestly hoping that these meds start improving my mood soon because otherwise I take it out on everyone around me unintentionally, and that’s a really bad thing if I want to keep my job. I already pissed a few people off by blowing up on them last week. I don’t mean to do it but sometimes I can’t control it. It’s a scary and overwhelming feeling to have so much anger and pain inside, and to try and hold it in when someone pisses me off and I just want to scream bloody murder, which happens frequently at my job. I’m not much of a people person to begin with and all I do there is deal with rude people. I feel like a ticking time bomb and as time passes I come closer to detonating, and I know that the drugs I’ve been doing only make it worse (especially the withdrawals), which is just another reason for me to give them up.

Even now I can feel the headache coming on as I’m writing this, so I’m going to wrap up this mini-novel, take some aspirin, and go to sleep. I’ll try and update more frequently and not be gone as long as I was before. If you’re still reading this I am absolutely astounded and have to give you kudos, and if you are I hope you’re in a much better place than I am emotionally, and if not then I hope that some of the things I said might bring you hope. Until next time… love you all and good morning/night (to my sweet girl on the other side of the world. I hope we have time to talk again later).

My life as of late. Content warning.

Life has been shit for me lately. You can party it up until you pass out, but when you wake up in the morning you’re just the same person as the day before. Since I last updated I’ve been on an insane roller coaster, literally and figuratively. I’ve dropped all my college classes, all but quit my job (I’m hardly there anymore), wasted most of my student loan money on drugs, done hard drugs that I won’t touch again (crack, heroin-based ecstasy, and meth-based ecstasy), begged my drug dealers to find me meth and heroin, drank until I puked in the middle of sex, slept with three men even though I don’t like men (I like the attention, even if it’s only momentary), dated a married couple as the third wheel (fucking miserable experience), and my grandmother died. My depression and anxiety have started acting up again so that I feel like a yo-yo all day long. One minute I’m relaxed and the next I could kill someone. Damn near punched a bloody hole in the wall I got so wound up. Went to my doc and got some antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills, which aren’t doing shit at the moment. I feel even worse than I did before. I’ve become a moody, psychotic bitch and I’m considering going to AA next month to try and stop using cocaine and slow down on the alcohol. I generally have a drink as soon as I wake up in the morning, and if I don’t get a dose of coke on a daily basis I get extremely irritable. I’ve also started cutting again, but more than just a few shallow lines on my hip. This time it’s my wrist and I’ve marked it up so bad the whole thing’s red. I filled half a shot glass with my own blood and chucked it straight down my throat, which has me convinced I’ve definitely gone round the bend a bit. I asked my doctor to get me a referral to a therapist because I know I need help, but I’m also scared. If I tell them about the drugs they’ll send me to rehab, which I can’t afford and insurance won't cover. If I tell them about my anorexia (I’ve stopped puking up completely) they’ll lock me in the Bradley Center (local mental institution). So when it comes down to it I’m really scared to go, even though I know I need to talk to someone and get my shit sorted. I feel like I’ve thrown my life down the toilet. I’m a miserable mess most of the time, but the one bright spot on my day was that my weight was down two pounds this morning from yesterday. I’ve barely eaten a thing in three days. I know that’s not a good thing, but the devil on my shoulder is cheering me on and telling me well done. I just want that passion for life that I used to have back, and I want an actual involved relationship with a woman that I care about. I have one in mind but she lives on the other side of the world. I don’t know if she’d even have me back now, but I think about her all the time. I’d love any kind of advice from anyone who has similar problems or past experiences, but no negative comments please. I already feel like shit without criticism from others. I've also updated my stats, goals, rewards, and measurements if you're curious. I did gain quite a bit recently but I'm back to losing now.

Adventureland

My life has been this crazy adventure lately. I decided to visit the darker side of myself and it’s been a total roller coaster. I skipped classes for about a week and a half and did nothing but basically party and sleep. I’ve tried all kinds of things I never thought I would, and I can’t say that I regret it. I think experiencing new things just gives you more knowledge about the world and about yourself. I had a threesome with a married couple, I had a one-night stand with a dude (thus absolutely confirming my suspicion that I’m a lesbian and have ZERO interest in guys), and I realized that I want to marry my best friend Betty. It won’t be now or even next year, but someday I want to marry that girl. We’re not even together like that and we won’t be for a long time, if ever, because she’s leaving next year for the army and we don’t want to risk losing our friendship, but we’ve talked about “what if.” She is the younger version of me, almost an exact carbon copy, but we have just enough differences to make it interesting. We spend every weekend together and we will always be the original two: B&C. Even if we never go there, I know we will always be friends. Today I woke up and actually went to class. Now that I’ve lived on the edge for a bit I realize that I need to get back to my responsibilities. I can’t just allow my life to spiral completely out of control, because that’s not who I am. I’m a very responsible person usually and I need to take care of things so I can go somewhere in life. I have homework and stuff to catch up and exams to study for, but I firmly believe now that I’ll be okay. I can find the balance between the party life and the mature life, but it’s going to mean I have a lot less time to be online. I’m sorry I can’t be the blogger I used to be at the moment, but just know that I think about all of you every single day, especially those of you who I got really close to. Sammy and Christina… I love you guys, I think about you a lot and I hope that you’re okay. When I get a minute to spare I promise I will catch up on your blogs and comment, and I hope you don’t lose faith in me because of my absence. *hugs* I hope everyone is well and happy. Stay strong and beautiful lovelies.

Live & Learn: Never Do This

Last night was fuckin' wild... like Hangover Part 1 without the farm animals in the room. Two of my friends came over and we met up with some other friends and did a bunch of cocaine and smoked some loud, and then me and one of my friends took 1/4 an oxy. About an hour later all three of us took an E pill each. NEVER do this!!! The friend who just took the E and the coke without the oxy was fine, but me and Bree were up puking all fucking night. We ended up going to Waffle House at like 5 am cuz none of us could sleep (and we laid there for about 3 hours trying), and then when we got back we were only able to sleep for a few hours before we were all awake and wired again. Now we're bout to go hit up my homeboy to get some more shit. Haha. I'm so fucked this weekend. On the bright side, I'm losing weight again. :) I may update later today or tomorrow. *deuces*

Insanity: Table for One

Down, down, down I seem to fall, deeper into this pit of destruction I've been digging for myself. I can't pinpoint when exactly it started or if there's even a particular trigger that started it, but I haven't been this in touch with my inner demons since I was in middle school. That vile monster that's been sleeping inside me is growling and sniffing at the air, cracking an eye open and trying to take over. I've found myself completely wrapped up lately in not caring about life or what I'm doing with it. I carry out the motions out of habit, a routine I've taught myself to follow, but the part of my conscious that's really involved in living has been muted lately, put on the back burner to replaced by numbness. I've been drinking too much, smoking too much grass, therefore eating way too much, then chain smoking to stop myself from stuffing my face some more. I've also gotten back into using something else, a lovely powder that takes away my appetite. I don't know when I woke up and decided to be nothing again, and the disturbing part is that I'm only mildly concerned with this realization. I've been flirting with men again since my relationship failed, just for the hell of it. I really don't like men and I don't find them at all appealing, but I like the attention. It's hard to find female attention around here and my battered ego seeks out the first bit of gratification it can: men that stare at me longingly and try and convince me I'm interested, even though it never goes anywhere because I'm not. I love the attention, and I hate that I love it. I hate that I don't care about the things I should right now, but I love the freedom that lies in the absence of mind. When all is said and done, maybe I will come back from the brink, just as I did so many years ago, and maybe I will still remember who I am. Maybe I will remember that I'm more than a disordered, alcoholic, drug addict trapped in limbo; an endless inner battle. I will be more than this shell of a person someday. I will be stable and happy, and I will find a woman to love me and hold me and not judge me, and I will love who I am and where I'm at in my life. But that day is not today.

Rain, rain, go away...

Not much went according to plan today. I woke up after just a few hours of sleep, still half drunk, and struggled to get the big, boxy, heavy TV out of my room, down the stairs, and into the trunk of my car while it was raining. Then I went with my dad to get the new TV for my room. We got back and I hooked it up (it looks amazing) and then the plan was to go to my best friend's house to hang out, since we're both free for Labor Day and we don't get to see each other much anymore. Another friend of mine was supposed to meet up with us there, but all three of us were feeling sick when we woke up so it didn't happen. Brittany has a cold/flu thing, Katy thinks she ate something last night that wasn't cooked properly, and I've puked twice today from how much alcohol I consumed last night. I find it interesting that I didn't puke until almost 24 hours AFTER I drank said alcohol... I don't usually get sick at all from alcohol, but I think because I've been drinking for 3 days straight my body isn't sure how to handle it.

To give you an idea of how much I drank exactly...

Before midnight last night:
4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles
3oz 80 proof vodka

After midnight last night/this morning:
4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles
13oz 80 proof vodka

That means I drank 8 beers and 16oz of straight vodka in a matter of a few hours. Haha. No wonder I've been sick all day. Anyway, here's what I've had today:

4 Miller High Life 12oz bottles (572)
13oz 80 proof vodka (867)
16oz light cranberry juice (80)
Monster Lo-Carb energy drink (20)
Dill pickle spear (1)
Trident original gum (4)
6oz orange (78)
5.2oz broccoli (52)
3oz tomato (15)
Gerber baby food applesauce (50)
Gerber baby food peas (45)
Quaker white cheddar rice cake (45)
16 animal crackers (120)
2 slices of rye bread (160)
1 slice of pepperjack cheese (70)
4 slices of Land O' Frost ham (50)
1oz avocado (45)
1.2oz tomato (6)
1 1/2 tsp light mayonnaise (25)
1 tsp mustard (0)
Calories from alcohol: 1,519
Calories from everything else: 786
Total calories: 2,305 damnnn... that alcohol is a serious speed bump in my diet

Labor Day Drinking

So Labor Day drinking for me consists of Saturday, Sunday, AND Monday. lmao So far I have gotten my drink on without fail every afternoon after work. I don't have to work at all tomorrow or go to classes so it's gonna be an all out party day for me. I do have to go get a new TV, though, so I'll have to be sober long enough to do that in the morning. lol

Other than that I think I am back on track. I'm mentally ready for this and I will stick to it. I'm going to be thin, thin, thin. Think Mischa Barton on the O.C. She was gorgeous in that and I so want her hip bones.

I found myself thinking this and thought it was worth writing down:

I will be so light and thin
I’ll slip through your fingers
Like paper in the wind

@kes - You're totally right. September is going to be my month :)
@Christina - Absolutely. I am ready to turn over a new leaf. I miss you!
@Run - Lol coolness :) It's interesting how many people have similar names on here. August is definitely of the past and not worth dwelling on. I will do better this month.
@Weightless - Aw thank you. That's really sweet :) I definitely hope things get better and not worse.
@jackie - Thank you! I think I've already started losing a little since I've been cutting back on the bingeing. Only time will tell.
@Sam Lupin - *huggles back* I miss you so, so much!!! I'm glad the restricting is working for you. Good luck hun. You deserve to see a loss. Hopefully I will catch up with you sometime on MSN :)

A Brief Update

I'm really sorry guys. I know I haven't updated in ages. I've just been in this weird sort of rut in my life. I've also been really busy with school and blah, blah, blah. I could come up with an endless list of excuses, but the simple truth is that I haven't felt worthy of even coming on here. I don't feel like I even deserve support because I've just been sabotaging my every effort to lose weight. I've been bingeing basically nonstop since I quit my water fast, and I've been smoking which makes me binge more, and the smoking also makes me not give one flying fuck about what I eat or how I look, or anything for that matter. I cease to care about my life or anything around me. It's a pleasant numb feeling to not give a fuck, but then I wake up in the morning and feel like such a horrible failure. At least I seem to be losing weight again. My body freaked out on me after the water fast and started packing on the pounds REALLY quickly, but it seems to have settled down now. I've started tracking everything I eat again, so that should be a help. As long as I can stay motivated and stop myself from being lazy, I might be able to pull my shit together. I just hope that happens soon. I'm sorry for being away and I apologize in advance if you don't hear from me in a while, but I will really try to kick myself in the ass and get a move on. :) Hopefully soon I will be back to my motivated, daily blog updating, rapid weight losing self.

Liberty Creek Cabernet Sauvignon

The way I've been eating since I got off my water fast has been appalling and disgusting. It doesn't help any that I've been drinking tons of wine and smoking, which always makes me eat. When I smoke (no, not cigarettes) I turn into a ravenous beast; a bottomless pit; a garbage disposal. I will literally eat through the contents of the cupboard and the fridge, even when I'm so full that it's physically uncomfortable to keep eating. So... I'm going to have to give up smoking again. It is just sabotaging my weight loss. I'm not even going to say what my scale said this morning, because it's just terrible and I don't want to think about it. I have a new plan, though, and it had better work. I've been taking laxatives and slowly crapping out all the junk I've been putting in my body for the last few days, but I think I have about another day of laxatives to go before it's all out (I really ate THAT MUCH). Until it's all out, I will not be eating solids, except for fruits. I will have a piece of fruit at each meal along with liquids and baby food. Anything between meals will have to be baby food (which surprisingly doesn't taste bad). I will weigh again when I feel it's all out and hopefully the number won't be so horrifying.

Sutter Home Sweet Red

Okay I ended up downing an entire bottle of red wine by myself (only a 750ml bottle) and I'm not even tipsy. Damn. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't built up my alcohol tolerance. It takes so much more to feel it now. I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight but she bailed. I guess I should have expected it from her, but I was hoping for the best. So I just smoked, ate, and drank alone. That sounds really depressing, I know, but I had fun anyway. I danced around my room and watched The OC, and texted some friends, so it's all good. Anyway, the last few days have been horrible food-wise. I really need to kick my ass for all the bingeing I did. I need to get back on track pronto, cuz I've already gained back several pounds. This is just unacceptable. I am going back to restricting immediately. The only saving grace is that I looked it up online and apparently the average 750ml bottle of red wine only has between 300-500 calories. That's way less than the amount of calories I used to drink in vodka on a daily basis. I have another full bottle in the fridge but I'm not opening it tonight. I will save that for another day. I also took some pictures in my new clothes. :D I only feel like posting one, so here ya go: